EratisLupus0's poems

[Ho'ne Diheart]

I am a man,
But I don't feel like one,
I don't feel like I belong.
I don't want to participate in man's greed,
Always hungery for more.
As I look beyond the forest lines,
I see a pack, a pack of wolves.
Hunting, playing, running, each one of them belonged in the pack.
Oh, How i envied them.
I too wish the desired to hunt, play, run with them,
with a sense of belonging.
But alas I am Man.
No i am a WOLF.
I belong with them.
I too will hunt, play, run with them.
For I am Wolf

[Ho'ne Diheart]

Beautiful women are disgusted as they walk by,
For I am not the perfect image in their eye.
My black messy hair does not appeal to them.
My unshaved scarred face does not seduce them.
To them, I am just a ugly beast.
If only they can see the real me.
*sigh*
I guess after all, I'm just a beast looking for his beauty.

[Asia Kali Yusufzai]

Nice poem, rather well paced.

Though little idea here is that maybe you could reveal the ugliness slowly, so people wonder why the women are so mean.

oh yeah and dont put *sigh* in a poem... please

[Vee Katame: His Wolfy]

Please keep your work in a single thread.
I have merged your two poem threads into one. If you write more, please post them in this thread.

[Ho'ne Diheart]

thanks and sorry about that!

[Vee Katame: His Wolfy]

No problem.

[Ho'ne Diheart]

 i forgot I didn't want to go full out on the detail and i was also listing out the major flaws of my physical look but as I said thank you for your critique thank you

[Asia Kali Yusufzai]

you dont need full on physical details, you just need to convey the fact in a way that will be artistic and impacting. Revealing slowly is one way of doing it, you may have other ideas.

also, for your "I'm a man" poem, re-read it, fix spelling mistakes (they can kill the best of poems) and nobody says "yonder" so there's no real reason to use it, oh and you tend to say the same word in two different ways, like wish and desire.
but despite it's problems, it's a great idea, and can really work well, so good job.

[Ho'ne Diheart]

well i couldn't think of anything at the time but yea i can understand what your saying

Post Merge: November 23, 2009, 04:22:51 AMUnessercery:
Love is veiwed as the most WONDERFUL thing,
But in the end love bring nothing but pain and misery.
No matter what, love manage to hurt people in many ways.
wether it is the death of a love one
Or the breaking of your love one,
Love will always find a way to hurt you.
Yes, we yearn for it,
But, why do we yearn for it?
Why do we search for love, when in the end we only get hurt.
Like the siren, it suduces you.
Promising comfort and pleasure.
Only in the end our vesseles crash in ther terrible cliffs.
Love is truely the perfect posion,
For we can not survive without it, nor do we need it.
Love is really unessecery.

[Asia Kali Yusufzai]

lots of spelling mistakes (including spelling unnecessary wrong twice), also feels more like a speech than a poem, but that's not too much of a bad thing.

It does have good ideas and good movement though. It moves well and a little bit of rewriting would go leaps and bounds for it.

[Ho'ne Diheart]

Thank you I didn't notice I had couple of  mistakes. I wrote this long time ago. By the way do you teach english or something?

[Asia Kali Yusufzai]

I'm in the middle of my second year of a Creative Writing degree.
And I like to dish out my opinions...

[Ho'ne Diheart]

That's cool. How you make it so that it won't sound like a speech

Post Merge: November 26, 2009, 09:18:36 AMOn a full moon:
As the hour grows closer and closer,
I grow more anxietous and anxietous.
With my face covered with sweat,
I am about to turn into something, as some people say, monsterous.
But for me, it's the most wonderful thing ever.
To take off the persona I am force to wear,
To run freely in the night's air.
That is only when the time comes...
DONG...DONG...DONG....DONG...
As if I was on a timer,
I can feel myself change.
I tremble with excitment!
As my hair grows,
As my teeth and nails sharpen,
As my senses hightens!
Too bad I can't stay like this for long,
Only lasting til the morning.
For I must wait for the next full moon.

[Asia Kali Yusufzai]

feel the rhythm of it. get a feel of what its like to speak aloud. if you can get people into a rhythm, you can twist it and play with it to manipulate peoples responses.