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Author Topic: ํYou're my love, not lust  (Read 1276 times)

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Offline Wolface

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ํYou're my love, not lust
« on: December 17, 2009, 07:28:14 PM »
After hard works at school and lots of agony and ecstasy. (which makes me not able to post here for a long while)

I at last have time to visit and post here once again 'w'

This is my third English poem I ever wrote in my whole life. So, if anyone have any suggestions, please suggest and/or comment for me.

={ You're my love, not lust }=

some say high
some say low
some say lust
but love's my show
I don't care the others
I don't care what they say
Wasn't it just us?
Just one word you say
You know... You are the world
without you I'll just decay

ps. sorry for foul grammars and punctuations.
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Offline Asia Kali Yusufzai

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Re: ํYou're my love, not lust
« Reply #1 on: December 18, 2009, 08:52:47 AM »
I like the brevity of it, and actually I do think it would work better if you take out the middle four lines. It keeps a heavy high rhythm that works well with the rhymes.
Good job.
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Offline Wolface

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Re: ํYou're my love, not lust
« Reply #2 on: December 18, 2009, 01:10:20 PM »
Thanks a lot Bunny  :3

but by "the middle four lines" did you meant these lines?

"but love's my show
I don't care the others
I don't care what they say
Wasn't it just us?"

If so, It'll be

"some say high
some say low
some say lust
just one word you say
You know... You are the world
without you I'll just decay"

right?

ps. I barely have any knowledge about English poems  :P
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Offline Asia Kali Yusufzai

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Re: ํYou're my love, not lust
« Reply #3 on: December 18, 2009, 05:04:37 PM »
actually... only take away the top two of that middle four.

so it'll be

some say high
some say low
some say lust
I don't care what they say
Wasn't it just us?
just one word you say
You know... You are the world
without you I'll just decay

It needs a bit of fixing to get the rhythm to work, but i think it's better this way. but then that's just my opinion.
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"Parents always think kids are wasting their youth, and always have done [so] down through the millennia," says Tom Forsyth of RAD Game Tools. "'That Ug, always holding things. His front paws will develop in funny ways. Why can't he walk on all fours like normal proto-hominids?' And so, whatever the kids spend the most time doing, that's always what parents think is a waste of time, and what is corrupting their lives. It doesn't matter what that is. If all they did was homework, parents would be worrying that their kids aren't becoming well-rounded people. And, in fact, parents do this - enrolling math nerds in karate classes and the like. There is no way to win - parental paranoia ensures that kids are always doing the wrong thing."


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Offline Wolface

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Re: ํYou're my love, not lust
« Reply #4 on: December 19, 2009, 04:58:52 AM »
and again, Thank you very much Bunny   :)
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