Anyone Like My Poetry?

[WolfCubLorent]

-Another World-
01/25/10 “They Pay With Blood”
By: Lorent K. Cub
The suffering will kill, the suffering will kill. Every **censor** life screaming, foot prints in the sand come for you. BREAK! Talk to me, walking slowly, you can take it on alone. Locked up you can finally see, the reality is mastering me. Sucking up life, carrying those through who are weak the shadows. Uncontroling those destinies that twist and bend, evil demons from hell to your soul they send for. Touch this door that falls everyday, suffering is there with light to guide the way. Holding truth beneath my sadness, I release the creatures of black along with darkness at there whim to wield any way and every way they want and can. The suffering will kill, send forth through your door and watch as there blood whilst spill over you and the ground you walk on. The cradle filled with hate brings no peace to this world only misery to there name and becomes there fate. RISE! I lost to them, the god that never cared or protected all that I believed to be real. Walk into punishment and all that was set aside, I see that nothing will be still, only he never gave a shit about me. Someone to break inside, the someone that casts no life nor any shadow to hold together his feelings but can decide. Watch this suffering shatter through my body, walk into the unknown in the soul of your self…
Heed my dreams my friend, heed my dreams my friend for they will become your nightmare. No light left behind to help the weak, him and his saitan look for blood and angels is what it seeks. Cooled into the depths of no relief, take a hand only to find what dark side of the heart which is corrupt can do. STRICKEN! Terror with thrill that confides love, strike through judgment and be ridden of crimes and sins. The end with thunder riding it’s back, captor the souls, being taken to the grave do they suffer. Raise your hand up high, feel their hatred rain this time and their battle cry…
Seek out the voices, across these fields with darkness that never dies…
So do they make more screams, force out power with black clouds that rain, rain tears of pain…
Run through the enemies, will die those fiends, their destinies in our hands, take their souls and cry…
Mercenaries of torture and never resting evil, into the black hole, feel the dead crawl…
Hear the pain, see the despair in their faces, destroy their fates into the dark world of hell taken over…
Burning flesh to melting liquid, again insane with nothing, no emotions remain…
The suffering will kill, break rise stricken through hell, they pay with their blood……

[Asia Kali Yusufzai]

Kind of clumsy but some ideas in there. Though the language let it down.
"Uncontrolling" doesnt work as a word

Touch this door that falls everyday

sounds strange in a bad way. It creates an image of it just falling down cus it's not connected to the wall. It lessens the menace

there blood whilst spill over you

whilst doesnt work in that sentence, and generally there's no good reason to use whilst in a sentence.

clouds that rain, rain tears of pain…

it may sound a bit punchy but it's quite a lazy rhyme and a cliché

again insane with nothing

what does that mean?


but yeah generally again I'm not a fan but other people will be., it's not badly written, I've seen way worse in degree level creative writing. So this is good in its way