The Nightmare Birthday

[Lone-Wolf]

The Ross cautiously stalked amongst the ruins, seeing the battered remnants of his home. As he entered, the scene was horrific. His eyes watered up and he fell to his knees as the putrid stench of rotted human flesh forced it's way up his nostrils. He cautiously raised his eyes upwards, seeing his mother and father lying there decaying, they're slashed wrists oozing pus ridden viscous blood onto the floorboards. There were gaping holes where their innards should be and Ros realised where they went when he looked up, they're intestines strewn around the various lights on the ceiling acting as a sick parody of confetti. However, alone in the corner was the worst site of all, his little sister. Pure terror was etched onto her now eyeless face as the weapon used to strangle the very life out of her still lay around her neck, it read "Happy 7th Birthday Sally".


Whoa. Just needed to vent some stuff out of my system.

[Asia Kali Yusufzai]

Some nice imagery there, good ideas of the composition, but it can be written better. It's obviously a first draft thing, but "The Stranger" doesn't work unless it's a running theme. Why is this person a stranger in his own home?

also generally this sentence:

There were gaping holes where their innards should be and the Stranger realised where they went when he looked up

Does not work. boil it down, make it clear, make it concise.

But yeah, nice little image.

[Moongaze]

Not a bad idea.  The shock factor at the end was superb.  If I may quote a passage, "pus ridden viscous blood."  That seemed a bit awkward to me...  I didn't see exactly what you were going for with vicious...  Blood can't really be vicious...  I'm not sure what you meant.  You could have said, "Blood riddled with the taint of puss and the air reeked of vile intent."

Since it may be a first draft (if not bang up job.  Real good shock factor) I'm going to comment and critique constructively:

Use of mood and imagery is flawless.  I really like how you took the reader through every shocking detail up to the bitter end.  Use of transition words (however in this case) was great. 

COMMAS.  A few comma errors, if you want to PM me I can take the liberty of going through it and posting one with the errors in place and one with corrections.  I wouldn't worry about commas too much.  All they are meant to do is obstruct the flow of a sentence in the case of sentences that don't contain lists.

The protagonist is the stranger.  I found that a bit awkward but I'm not going to bother with that much because it's fine the way it is.  However, what I would have done was take it into the first person because there is only one point of view going on and that's the narrators point of view.  It kind of seemed like you were going in the third person.  Which, again.  There is no problem with that, it's perfectly fine the way it is.  It just came off a litte strange to me.

All in all a great work.  I loved every horrorfying moment.  Keep up the great work and I'll keep reading!

[Lone-Wolf]

Not a bad idea.  The shock factor at the end was superb.  If I may quote a passage, "pus ridden viscous blood."  That seemed a bit awkward to me...  I didn't see exactly what you were going for with vicious...  Blood can't really be vicious...  I'm not sure what you meant.  You could have said, "Blood riddled with the taint of puss and the air reeked of vile intent."

Since it may be a first draft (if not bang up job.  Real good shock factor) I'm going to comment and critique constructively:

Use of mood and imagery is flawless.  I really like how you took the reader through every shocking detail up to the bitter end.  Use of transition words (however in this case) was great. 

COMMAS.  A few comma errors, if you want to PM me I can take the liberty of going through it and posting one with the errors in place and one with corrections.  I wouldn't worry about commas too much.  All they are meant to do is obstruct the flow of a sentence in the case of sentences that don't contain lists.

The blood is actually "viscous" as in thick/coagulated and on the subject of the stranger, I'll probs change it to have my name instead thx for the constructibve critiscm  (and yes, this is a first draft)

The protagonist is the stranger.  I found that a bit awkward but I'm not going to bother with that much because it's fine the way it is.  However, what I would have done was take it into the first person because there is only one point of view going on and that's the narrators point of view.  It kind of seemed like you were going in the third person.  Which, again.  There is no problem with that, it's perfectly fine the way it is.  It just came off a litte strange to me.

All in all a great work.  I loved every horrorfying moment.  Keep up the great work and I'll keep reading!