My OTHER crap. :P

[Self-sain]

Sorry this thread needs to be put down

[Asia Kali Yusufzai]

Ok you need setting. You say they're in a cell but they're in the open air, and how can one "stand over" water? you mean lean over? I've no idea where they are, why they're there, what they're doing or what's going on. All i know is that they're next to a river and no-one's watching them. So there definitely needs to be explanation and clarification.

There is an idea hidden in there, I just dont know what it is because you're not telling me. The setting and the premise will allow me to put things into perspective and judge things fairly.

[Self-sain]

Ok I see so I need to add more settings details,  and the rest I decied ill add to as the stroy goes on

[vancouversarah]

I think the dialogue could use some work. The way the characters talk to each other is unnatural. For example, "Come we must set off [while] we still have a chance", could sound more natural if it was something like, "We have to go while we still have a chance".

There is a fantasy element evident here which may have made you think that your characters need to speak in a very formal, old fashioned way. Luckily, we don't need to write fantasy this way any more. Compare dialogue in something like A Wizard of Earthsea to the dialogue in Nine Princes in Amber (interestingly, these books were published only 2 years apart). The dialogue in Amber is far more natural than the stiff language of Wizard.

Think of how the people around you talk when writing dialogue. If your main character's best friend is hatching a brilliant escape plan, it would probably sound like your best friend hatching a plan. A caution on that tip though if you're writing sci fi or fantasy; avoid using contemporary slang. If your characters are prone to using slang you'll have to develop your own.

I know we've mentioned this before, but I will bring it up again because in this case it actually had a negative impact on comprehension; please edit your samples. Bad grammar, poor word choice and misused punctuation get in the way of getting to the actual meat of the story. It'd be great to just work on setting or dialogue without worrying about proofreading. If you're not sure what to edit for check out this list for editing essays which is easily adapted to short stories: http://grammar.about.com/od/correctingerrors/a/editchecklist.htm

At any rate, I'm almost hooked! I want to know who these people are and why they are prisoners/slaves/serfs/whatever it is that they turn out to be. And what sort of arcane powers are we talking about here? I'm looking forward to seeing a touched up and expanded version of this sample!

[Self-sain]

Thanks its greatly appreciated and the little information on the dialogue helps to I wouldn't of even of know that if it weren't for you

So ill try and have a revised version of the story up by today thanks for the help

[WolfCubLorent]

Well I agree with the setting details as well but the dialog is fine okay, some people actualy do talk like that, and personally I believe that it gives them charecters there own personality. Remember a charecters way of talking ahs to MATCH their personality, but you should also try to use more dialog too.....everything is imporatant, every little detail, eplaining every part of the story during seperate parts of it, and the charecters and their personality and looks is going back to detail but yeah good starting point.

[Asia Kali Yusufzai]

oh much much much better. Rich descriptions with only a few spelling errors. And there is a rather exciting swathe of subtlety to it all. Like you dont say who has imprisoned these people, because why would they mention something that's assumed knowledge in the imagined world. It kepeps things mysterious without seeming contrived.

One major error though, it appears that he gets forced into a little house... why is he forced into a little house, and then allowed to just walk out of it?

[vancouversarah]

Great editing job! I was much more drawn into the story this time. I'd like to see more; don't leave us hanging.

[Self-sain]

Well him being forced in isn't like him being forced in the house just confined it will be explained and I plan on adding more bit I'm a little busy >…< saway

[vancouversarah]

I plan on adding more bit I'm a little busy >…< saway

Don't ya just hate in when stuff like "responsibilities" and "real life" and "doing the laundry" get in the way of writing?

[Self-sain]

Actually I do

[Asia Kali Yusufzai]

the dialogue is a bit stronger and more believable, but still has some way to go. the characters are engaging but i think things need to get moving a bit