Frost's poetry (if you wanna call it that)

[Frost]

Here's abit of my poetry, i will warn you they may sound a bit dark.

Why I Fight
cold wind rising to the north
enimies from the east
I'm tiered of fighting
they care not in the least

The world view

the temp's dropping
all light's choked out
the darkness is rising
a child's scream rings out

I do not fear
nor do I fret
but i do grow curious
of how dark it can get

Parrallel earth

Where did the joy go
the times of infantile laughter
I think they died with my inner child
never to be thought of forever after

How I miss the days i wasted away
trying to grow up too fast
to redo it all
might make the ice thaw
and change the could have been to past.

plz citicize me, tell me how terrible i am ^^

[Moongaze]

Ok.  I'm not going to hammer you.  Just not me...

Anywho...  It wasn't bad.  But overall it was a bit awkward to me.  I'm having a bit of touble understanding what's going on here...  The narrators conflict seems to be man vs. self which is good.   Correct me if I'm wrong...  The fighting that's going on, it's all internal right?  If your focus is the narrators inner conflict try and keep his surroundings local.  I didn't understand the point of view shift.  The rhyme scheme before parallel earth is a bit obvious.  Also, your transitions could be a little smoother towards the end.  It was a toss up between too wordy, and not wordy enough.

Any questions? 

[vancouversarah]

"Why I Fight" doesn't explain why you fight. It seems like there is a stanza missing.

In "Parrallel earth" the line "and change the could have been to past." is unclear to me. I think that you're trying to express that you want let go of past desires for something different in the future, however that doesn't seem to jive with the overall theme of the poem.

Short, to the point and dark. Keep it coming!

[Frost]

In why I fight,  I kinda meant for it to be self explanatory, meaning that there going keep going whether or not you are able to retaliate

In Parallel earth, i was saying how I wish to start again ,change some of my choices, maybe making me a better less dark individual. I'll have more in a day or two ^^

[Asia Kali Yusufzai]

Yeah this has some interesting ideas worth expanding and developing, but the rhyme scheme is clumsy, obvious and occasionally forced particularly near the start.

Things aren't massively clear but can certainly be discerned, though some lines kind of throw me off, like "make the ice thaw", it just doesnt seem to fit.

also, spelling mistakes.

but yeah it's got good strong ideas and a generally cohesive rhythm to it.