I'm tired of how my family treats me.
Sure, I've messed up a lot when compared to my siblings, but I'm also trying to change.
But my parents just won't accept that -they- had quite a big part to play in why things went they way they did (if you spend 99% of your free time drunk, child protection services ARE going to get involved sooner or later, despite if you manage to hold your job or not. It's still alcohol abuse if it causes the people around you to suffer, even if you yourself find there to be "nothing wrong" because "BUT MUH JOB. I STILL KEEP MY JOB. I CAN DO WHATEVER I WANT IN MY SPARE TIME!". Can't really argue with that, except for that your spare time also included looking after three kids.), nor do they ever acknowledge my improvements or attempts at correcting/undoing all the damage caused by the mistakes that were made, instead constantly bringing them up and clearly reminding me that I'm little more than a scapegoat to them by now.
And after getting diagnosed with a few things, my grandparents are convinced that I'm retarded (even having said so out loud where I could hear it), despite me having the best grades/school results out of all my siblings. They're also extremely false towards me, making it really annoying everytime I'm guilt-tripped into visiting them.
"But why do you still keep them around? Just stop interacting with them?", people might ask.
It's not like I haven't tried. There's been tons of fighting and arguing between me and especially my mom, to the point where she unfriended me on FB (oh no, the horror!) and declared she only have two children.
(And while that doesn't bother me too much, the actual fighting is extremely stressful and draining, especially once everything has been said and done, and I'M the one who have to apologize for being a worthless waste of space despite me not even being the one starting the fighting. My mother is, of course, completely flawless, and therefore she doesn't have to apologize for anything, meaning that all the fighting is essentially just added to my seemingly ever-growing pile of faults. Not to mention how she also likes to keep terrorizing me long AFTER she's said she's never going to speak to me again. It's a lot easier to just keep things at a manageable level of dysfunctional, even if it means going "Yes, I'm worthless, useless and everything is my fault" whenever I'm told to.)
But at the end of the day, my current situation is really unstable and unpredictable. I have no local friends, nor any too stable source of income.
If anything were to happen that make it impossible for me to continue living here, I'd have nowhere to turn other than returning back to my home town.
Sure, even that would be a really bad thing, but at least it would mean not living under a bridge.
The only thing I can do is to keep trying to get things sorted out, to the point where I could make my situation more secure, and eventually reaching a point of complete independence.
But it's just so hard to try and keep going when it feels like "everyone" around me is doing everything they can in order to drag me down.
Topic: Rants: Everyday Venting (Read 219678 times)