I'm really starting to feel like I can't take care of myself.
When I'm together with someone or have some close friend I really care about, I try to look after myself better and make sure to "stay alive" for their sake.
I just don't feel like I'm worth caring about at all "for my own sake". I do stupid things, I become extremely anxious and volatile, my mood ends up going all over the place and nothing feels like it's got any point. I just feel like sleeping and sleeping and sleeping. But then I have nightmares instead. Then the whole "Can't sleep, nightmares will eat me" circle begins, which leads to me getting migraines, which makes everything feel even worse.
Currently, it feels like I could die and noone would notice or miss me.
My family considers me to be a failure and I don't really have any close friends anywhere anymore, and those few who do stick around are either getting paid for it (psychologists, social workers, etc) or after something else.
It's a very sad, lonely and depressing thought that I'm once again just a means to an end or a number on a paycheck.
And with no motivation to stay alive, it just makes things feel like even more of a reason to just disappear.
I'm so very tired of this all.
*Whinewhinerantrant*