Welcome to my life Alex
I got regular beaten, bullied until I coulnd't take it anymore, abused for some sick reason, physically punished and all of that delicious childhood.
And now they all want to act like nothing happened and everything is fine + we are a happy family.
I've never experienced kindness, there is no trust in people all because I've seen what people really are.
You know what my biggest fear is? It's not the dark, it's not the monsters, it's not death, it's that I will become like my dad
I know the feeling. Not my dad though, my stepfather. Although my biological father is one mentally sick person, the police arrested him the day after my mother married him. She divorced him very quickly once she learned what he did. She had the chance to abort me, but she chose not to, thankfully.
However, my stepfather was no step-up. He owns apartment buildings, so I can see why she accepted his help. But he has been nothing but abusive and derogatory to me. I wouldn't eat an orange without picking the seeds out, so he used my head as a punching bag before slamming me repeatedly into the table . The driveway wasn't shoveled wide enough, so he threw the shovel at me like it was a spear. At every opportunity, he'd re-enforce how 'useless and worthless' I was and how I'd 'never amount to nothing'. To him, all of my friends were just there to use me. Of course, this is when my mother isn't around due to work. And he'd make me help him out in his apartment buildings.
I will never know why he hates me. Quite honestly, I've grown beyond the point of caring and that's where my fear comes in. That I don't care. That I do snap when I get pushed far enough. Here I am in my mid-thirties and I want to be a father. To give a child the kind of love and support I never received as a child. I feel secure enough that I will never be like my stepfather and certainly nothing like my biological father, but I keep that fear in the back of my head to keep me on course. A warning of what could be if I let myself slip.