The Furry Forums would like to place cookies on your computer to help us make this website better. To find out more about the cookies, see our privacy notice.
To accept the cookie click here, or please login or register.

Author Topic: Colorado  (Read 42608 times)

0 Members and 0 Guests are viewing this topic.

Offline CormacCoyotecraft

  • Boisterous Bear
  • **
  • awards This user has been a forum member for over 10 years
  • Posts: 125
  • Gender: Male
  • Pic by KangaDrake
    • Awards
  • Species: Coyote.
  • Coloring: Grey with the occasional streak of brown on the muzzle and forearms
Re: Colorado
« Reply #60 on: March 26, 2011, 04:56:41 AM »
The whole thing is very staccatto, most of your paragraphs consist of only two or three sentences. This is good for building up suspense, i.e. when a character is being hunted by a monster, or a similar situation (like when we first see the protagonist experience the voice).

However, this also takes a lot away from the descriptive potential your story offers. For example, you have a good start on describing Vic, but the sleazy feel of the character would be greatly improved with more description, possibly an anecdote which would summarize his nature. Doing this latter would give the audience a "i've met someone like that before" feeling, which makes the story more real. You should do this for the other characters as well.

As for describing the setting, you also have a good start on this, but if you really want to personify a place (like the mansion itself) you should give it its own backstory. For example, when talking about the mansion at the end of your first entry, you could make mention again of the suicides which took place in the older generations of the family. The association of the house with these macabre deaths would enhance its creepy feeling.

Hope this helps!
« Last Edit: March 26, 2011, 05:06:19 AM by CormacCoyotecraft »

Offline

  • Unique Unicorn
  • **********
  • awards This user has been a forum member for over 10 years Top 100 Poster Top 50 Most Online Top 50 Topic Starter
  • Posts: 2642
  • Gender: Male
  • Arcane Terrain
    • Skype
    • Steam
    • Fur Affinity
    • Awards
  • Species: Foxaroo!
  • Coloring: white and orange
  • Height: 5'11''
  • Weight: 145
  • Build: skinny with little fat and muscle
  • Currently: Nothing lasts, but nothing is lost!
Re: Colorado
« Reply #61 on: March 31, 2011, 04:27:21 AM »
was in fort collins yesterday :3
  • Avatar by: Kipper
If you want beef then bring the ruckus


Offline CormacCoyotecraft

  • Boisterous Bear
  • **
  • awards This user has been a forum member for over 10 years
  • Posts: 125
  • Gender: Male
  • Pic by KangaDrake
    • Awards
  • Species: Coyote.
  • Coloring: Grey with the occasional streak of brown on the muzzle and forearms
Re: Colorado
« Reply #62 on: March 31, 2011, 05:22:50 AM »
Cool! What brought you here?

Offline

  • Unique Unicorn
  • **********
  • awards This user has been a forum member for over 10 years Top 100 Poster Top 50 Most Online Top 50 Topic Starter
  • Posts: 2642
  • Gender: Male
  • Arcane Terrain
    • Skype
    • Steam
    • Fur Affinity
    • Awards
  • Species: Foxaroo!
  • Coloring: white and orange
  • Height: 5'11''
  • Weight: 145
  • Build: skinny with little fat and muscle
  • Currently: Nothing lasts, but nothing is lost!
Re: Colorado
« Reply #63 on: March 31, 2011, 05:26:39 AM »
I was on a college tour, I may have passed right by you X3
  • Avatar by: Kipper
If you want beef then bring the ruckus


Offline CormacCoyotecraft

  • Boisterous Bear
  • **
  • awards This user has been a forum member for over 10 years
  • Posts: 125
  • Gender: Male
  • Pic by KangaDrake
    • Awards
  • Species: Coyote.
  • Coloring: Grey with the occasional streak of brown on the muzzle and forearms
Re: Colorado
« Reply #64 on: March 31, 2011, 05:30:03 AM »
You might have! Which college were you touring?

Offline

  • Unique Unicorn
  • **********
  • awards This user has been a forum member for over 10 years Top 100 Poster Top 50 Most Online Top 50 Topic Starter
  • Posts: 2642
  • Gender: Male
  • Arcane Terrain
    • Skype
    • Steam
    • Fur Affinity
    • Awards
  • Species: Foxaroo!
  • Coloring: white and orange
  • Height: 5'11''
  • Weight: 145
  • Build: skinny with little fat and muscle
  • Currently: Nothing lasts, but nothing is lost!
Re: Colorado
« Reply #65 on: March 31, 2011, 05:30:56 AM »
i was in the college of business, the student center, then we went to the rec center, then to like the tech center, etc.
i hope i have the grades
  • Avatar by: Kipper
If you want beef then bring the ruckus


Offline CormacCoyotecraft

  • Boisterous Bear
  • **
  • awards This user has been a forum member for over 10 years
  • Posts: 125
  • Gender: Male
  • Pic by KangaDrake
    • Awards
  • Species: Coyote.
  • Coloring: Grey with the occasional streak of brown on the muzzle and forearms
Re: Colorado
« Reply #66 on: March 31, 2011, 05:33:17 AM »
I'm sure you'll be fine. You going for a major in business? :?

Offline

  • Unique Unicorn
  • **********
  • awards This user has been a forum member for over 10 years Top 100 Poster Top 50 Most Online Top 50 Topic Starter
  • Posts: 2642
  • Gender: Male
  • Arcane Terrain
    • Skype
    • Steam
    • Fur Affinity
    • Awards
  • Species: Foxaroo!
  • Coloring: white and orange
  • Height: 5'11''
  • Weight: 145
  • Build: skinny with little fat and muscle
  • Currently: Nothing lasts, but nothing is lost!
Re: Colorado
« Reply #67 on: March 31, 2011, 05:34:37 AM »
nope, they just took us there.
i'm going for a major in English and a minor in Psychology
  • Avatar by: Kipper
If you want beef then bring the ruckus


Offline CormacCoyotecraft

  • Boisterous Bear
  • **
  • awards This user has been a forum member for over 10 years
  • Posts: 125
  • Gender: Male
  • Pic by KangaDrake
    • Awards
  • Species: Coyote.
  • Coloring: Grey with the occasional streak of brown on the muzzle and forearms
Re: Colorado
« Reply #68 on: March 31, 2011, 05:36:25 AM »
Really? I'm pursuing a minor in English B)

Offline

  • Unique Unicorn
  • **********
  • awards This user has been a forum member for over 10 years Top 100 Poster Top 50 Most Online Top 50 Topic Starter
  • Posts: 2642
  • Gender: Male
  • Arcane Terrain
    • Skype
    • Steam
    • Fur Affinity
    • Awards
  • Species: Foxaroo!
  • Coloring: white and orange
  • Height: 5'11''
  • Weight: 145
  • Build: skinny with little fat and muscle
  • Currently: Nothing lasts, but nothing is lost!
Re: Colorado
« Reply #69 on: March 31, 2011, 05:37:08 AM »
yup yup, i hope to attend CSU. if my grades don't suck X3
  • Avatar by: Kipper
If you want beef then bring the ruckus


Offline CormacCoyotecraft

  • Boisterous Bear
  • **
  • awards This user has been a forum member for over 10 years
  • Posts: 125
  • Gender: Male
  • Pic by KangaDrake
    • Awards
  • Species: Coyote.
  • Coloring: Grey with the occasional streak of brown on the muzzle and forearms
Re: Colorado
« Reply #70 on: March 31, 2011, 05:40:42 AM »
I'll be praying for ya X3 At least you're looking at multiple colleges. I only looked at two.

Offline

  • Unique Unicorn
  • **********
  • awards This user has been a forum member for over 10 years Top 100 Poster Top 50 Most Online Top 50 Topic Starter
  • Posts: 2642
  • Gender: Male
  • Arcane Terrain
    • Skype
    • Steam
    • Fur Affinity
    • Awards
  • Species: Foxaroo!
  • Coloring: white and orange
  • Height: 5'11''
  • Weight: 145
  • Build: skinny with little fat and muscle
  • Currently: Nothing lasts, but nothing is lost!
Re: Colorado
« Reply #71 on: March 31, 2011, 05:41:19 AM »
you guys have an awesome pool but the dorms are ehh...
  • Avatar by: Kipper
If you want beef then bring the ruckus


Offline CormacCoyotecraft

  • Boisterous Bear
  • **
  • awards This user has been a forum member for over 10 years
  • Posts: 125
  • Gender: Male
  • Pic by KangaDrake
    • Awards
  • Species: Coyote.
  • Coloring: Grey with the occasional streak of brown on the muzzle and forearms
Re: Colorado
« Reply #72 on: March 31, 2011, 05:45:05 AM »
I wouldn't know about the pool; I haven't been in the gym since my own pre-acceptance tour  XP.

Ah yes, the dorms, where your neighbors scream at their games all night and strange bearded men blast porn in the bathroom. They're an alright place to live, and they do a pretty decent job of matching up roommates. However, if I had to live in them for another semester, I'd go crazy.

Offline

  • Unique Unicorn
  • **********
  • awards This user has been a forum member for over 10 years Top 100 Poster Top 50 Most Online Top 50 Topic Starter
  • Posts: 2642
  • Gender: Male
  • Arcane Terrain
    • Skype
    • Steam
    • Fur Affinity
    • Awards
  • Species: Foxaroo!
  • Coloring: white and orange
  • Height: 5'11''
  • Weight: 145
  • Build: skinny with little fat and muscle
  • Currently: Nothing lasts, but nothing is lost!
Re: Colorado
« Reply #73 on: March 31, 2011, 05:46:53 AM »
still, if I get accepted, I'll be there when you're still there I think X3
  • Avatar by: Kipper
If you want beef then bring the ruckus


Offline CormacCoyotecraft

  • Boisterous Bear
  • **
  • awards This user has been a forum member for over 10 years
  • Posts: 125
  • Gender: Male
  • Pic by KangaDrake
    • Awards
  • Species: Coyote.
  • Coloring: Grey with the occasional streak of brown on the muzzle and forearms
Re: Colorado
« Reply #74 on: March 31, 2011, 05:49:06 AM »
Thats true!

 

Powered by EzPortal

anything