The whole thing is very staccatto, most of your paragraphs consist of only two or three sentences. This is good for building up suspense, i.e. when a character is being hunted by a monster, or a similar situation (like when we first see the protagonist experience the voice).
However, this also takes a lot away from the descriptive potential your story offers. For example, you have a good start on describing Vic, but the sleazy feel of the character would be greatly improved with more description, possibly an anecdote which would summarize his nature. Doing this latter would give the audience a "i've met someone like that before" feeling, which makes the story more real. You should do this for the other characters as well.
As for describing the setting, you also have a good start on this, but if you really want to personify a place (like the mansion itself) you should give it its own backstory. For example, when talking about the mansion at the end of your first entry, you could make mention again of the suicides which took place in the older generations of the family. The association of the house with these macabre deaths would enhance its creepy feeling.
Hope this helps!
Topic: Colorado (Read 41523 times)