-The 3rd Colony- A struggle for Truth- Kitt's growing novel ^^

[KittKat chunky~]

Ookay, while i was away in Slovakia (And during the time ive been back) I've spent quite a bit of time on planning this story.... I have written some more, gone back and edited and re-edited, but mostly it has been planning for the overall storyline...

Anyway... Yes, a story line... Ive got a much better one planned out now, which only required some minor tweaking and stuff throughout what ive written...


So, update tiem... This section, in a state of re-writing... Hope you enjoy 

Chapter 3: Overturned Stones

Jareth stood silently, watching the flickering numbers scroll past as the elevator plunged into the depths of Ruszáyev. Rather close beside him, stood a young Merchant-caste trader. The boy, for he barely looked sixteen, was fidgeting restlessly, tapping his foot on the steel floor as the elevator continued on its humming drop.

Jareth turned slightly, to take a proper look at him. His uniform was similar to the kind Julie wore, though lacking the elegant blue-trim, and his dark hair had been cut brutally short. Thin beads of perspiration ran down his forehead, as he held tightly to a sheaf of papers.

 “First day on the job, kid?” The trader looked up and nodded, clutching the wad of paper to his chest. Jareth leant against the elevator wall, shoving a hand deep into the pocket of his overalls “Running errands down to the lower levels?” The trader nodded again, a silence awkwardly filling the cramped space between them.

The flickering display above the door started to slow down, cycling past level -5600 as the elevator continued to drop further into the underground city. Jareth glanced up at it and then back to the trader; clearing his throat he reached a hand out to him. The trader hesitated, looking down at it as if Jareth was proffering him a live snake. After a pause and moment of rustling, the Trader transferred the papers to one hand and shook Jareth’s in return. Jareth nodded as he released the Trader’s sweaty palm “Chief Jareth... If you need any help finding your way, don’t hesitate to ask.”

With a hasty nod of the head in return, the Trader looked back up at the elevator display. It was flicking through the -5800’s, and a slight swooping sensation in Jareth’s stomach told him they were slowing down rapidly. He cleared his throat again, awkwardly tapping a finger on his belt “So... Mind telling me your name, kid?”

The Trader looked back to Jareth, mumbling “Ivan, Sir.” Jareth nodded, discreetly taking a closer look at the stack of papers that Ivan clutched so tightly. Emblazoned across the topmost page was an official-looking heading, followed by an illegible series of barcodes and figures: ‘J.K Dealership Request-URGENT’. Jareth ran a hand across his unshaven chin as he read, turning it into a casual scratch at his neck at the last minute. He looked quickly up again, meeting Ivan’s light blue eyes and nodded “Good name.”

The display finally stopped, accompanied by a slight shudder underfoot. Level -6000 flashed vividly on the screen as a tinny voice chimed in “Welcome to Engineer bay #32, level minus 6000 of the upper sector. Have a productive day, citizens...” The door slid open with a hiss, and the trader stepped out hurriedly, leaving Jareth alone in the elevator. He sighed, watching Ivan hesitantly walk left, towards the canteens.




Jareth remained, leaning against the brushed-steel elevator wall. He smirked to himself, watching the spot where the young trader had stood. “Citizen Jareth, could you please vacate the elevator... The Regime is sure you have great work to attend to!” The elevator had chimed in again, shattering Jareth’s silent contemplation. Heaving a sigh he stepped out into the empty corridor beyond, just in time to see Ivan stop beside a sprawling map of the lower sector.

 The diagram was vast, stretching the length of one corridor wall-panel, and seemingly made to be as obscure and complex as possible. A maze of colour coded corridors, access shafts and elevators was printed onto a sturdy pane of off-white plastic, lit up from behind by florescent light. Ivan traced a route with his finger down one green line, branching off into a yellow sub-line, before joining a thick red line.

There were three red corridors, that all lead to a central column of elevator shafts. If viewed from a distance as Jareth could see now, the lower sector looked like a huge spoked wheel, with all the lines eventually congregating at one innermost circle. Apparently satisfied with the path he had chosen, Ivan stepped away from the map and started back down the corridor. He knocked into Jareth, despite the wideness of the corridor, mumbling a distracted apology as he went.

Jareth couldn’t help but smile in amusement, as he watched Ivan dodge haphazardly between two engineers. He shook his head, muttering “We’ve all been there...” He started to walk the opposite way to Ivan, but stopped abruptly, looking down. A single sheet of paper lay alone on the cold steel floor, the same bold heading staring up at him. He looked back up, but Ivan had already disappeared. Running a hand through his still tangled hair, Jareth groaned under his breath “Bugger it, stupid conscience.” With that he snatched the paper up, and started to run.





Okay, hopefully that is better than what it was before.... As always with my work, it needs all the little bumps and problems ironed out.... SO on to Editing!
As always, comments, feedback, critique, even just saying 'Woot, awesome story' is really helpfull 

Oh, and I'm gonna be posting up any areas that had a major edit/tweaking... In all honesty so many little changes have been made throughout, that i cant show them all, so i'l just put up any important ones 

[Asia Kali Yusufzai]

Honestly, I think you should focus on getting the story finished first, then go back and tweak it like crazy. That's what I do... anyway as for the story, it's a lot better than it was before, and there are some nice little touches  (like the way he sneaked a look at the papers.) Honestly there's not much that jumped out at me as bad form, except for that last two words of dialogue, "stupid conscience." It doesn't need to be said.

[KittKat chunky~]

Thanks for the advice Asia, especially about focusing on finishing rather than dithering about with details (shows just how easily distracted i am  )

Well i'm glad it works better than before, and that not much jumped out as being badly written or incorrect... So yeah, I'l post up the next section whenever i can...

[KittKat chunky~]

Oookay.... Imha post this up now, before i fall asleep *yawn*  next instalment of mah novel...



A wave of warmth and laughter washed over Jareth, as he stepped into the engineers’ mess hall. The overcrowded room was filled with miscellaneous pieces of furniture, several large tables occupied the centre, and even a pair of steel-framed bunk-beds had been pushed up against one wall. Every available space was occupied by an engineer, and both bunks were crowded with men and women.

Jareth strode through the mass of people, replying to the occasional waves and salutes. Walking up to one of the less crowded tables, Jareth was met with a hearty cheer by the engineers sat around it. Several dog-eared cards were thrown down onto the table before him, as he pulled up a seat. The dealer, a ruddy-faced man, greeted Jareth with a wide grin “Where have you been? I told the guys to wait up for you... but you know how they are with waiting, when it comes to a game of Red Diamonds!” He laughed, and everyone around the table joined in.

Jareth sighed, already palming the octagonal cards and reached for a glass of clear liquid “Oh, just delivering memos. A Chief’s paperwork is never done, it seems...” He knocked back half the glass, and grimaced “...Then some merchant-caste kid went and dropped some important papers. I spent half an hour trying to find him.” He leant back in his seat, drawing a card from the deck.

The dealer laughed again “Oh Jareth. You do have a soft spot for the young ones don’t you! If it had been me...” He leant in across the table, as if about to confide a deep secret “...I would have just dumped the papers in the nearest incinerator chute. Ask him to file that!” The engineers around the table snorted with laughter, all except Jareth.

The dealer continued, throwing down a card onto the pile in the centre “Oh I jest Jareth. But for instance, just the other day I was talking to a friend of mine. When that young thing you have an eye for, Tanaka, was brought up in our conversation...” A tense silence swept round the table, as the dealer paused to re-fill his glass from a tall bottle of opaque green-glass. He continued, as the engineer to the left of Jareth drew a card and then placed down two pairs from his hand “...From what I was told, she’s a right beauty!” He laughed again, wiping a tear from his flushed cheek. This time however, he was the only one laughing at the table.

Jareth scowled, clenching his cards tightly “Is that so? Well you can tell that friend of yours, he’s deeply mistaken.” Jareth threw all his cards down, tersely draining the rest of his drink “Full diamonds, this round goes to me gents.”



"Yup... Not much to say here.. Continuing the story, more exciting stuff to come though (I actually have written several more pages, but i always make sure to keep ahead with what i've written, compared to what i've posted... makes me feel like im ahead of schedule and doing well  )

[Asia Kali Yusufzai]

I don't really get this bit. It's kinda hard to follow.

Why does Jareth get so upset? Why is everyone so tense?
Also, I can't place the voice of the dealer guy. I expect him to be a bit more working class and then he comes out with "I jest". Also,

From what I was told, she’s a right beauty

What is that supposed to mean? I don't understand.

Oh yeah, and hold back on the exclamation points.

but you know how they are with waiting, when it comes to a game of Red Diamonds!

This bit almost felt a bit panto to me.

I mean, there's not much technically wrong with the writing... this is all more subjective stuff. More about my own opinion of this particular section. I'm just a bit lost with it

[KittKat chunky~]

Y'see, this is why it really helps posting here and having someone else read my work through... Though at the time I may understand what ive written, that doesnt mean other people will 

Okay, I'l see what I can do about clearing any problems up....

[x]

I like this part. It attempts to pencil in character subconscious.   Good job. I'm going to dissect yours like I do mine...if you don't want me to do this much technicality I'll stop, but it's not me trying to be mean. It's just all the little things I would check on if it were my writing. Overall and plot-wise, this bit is solid.

A wave of warmth and laughter washed over Jareth, as he stepped into the engineers’ mess hall.

No comma needed...

but you know how they are with waiting, when it comes to a game of Red Diamonds!”

I personally would either leave out the comma or choose one or the other. Either:
"you know how they are with waiting" OR "you know how they are when it comes it a game of Red Diamonds!"

This time however, he was the only one laughing at the table.

The phrase 'the table' is used too often. By the time the game starts up, the reader gets that Jareth is at a table. It's tempting to constantly want to establish place so you can ensure that your readers definitely for sure know where they are, but it is also a good thing to avoid. Just leave 'at the table' out.

“Is that so? Well you can tell that friend of yours, he’s deeply mistaken.”

Though I get he's upset that he's being picked on, this is almost like saying Jareth doesn't think Tanaka is pretty. Unless 'she's a right beauty' means something else, it's like the dealer saying: "she's really hot!" and then Jareth saying: "No way. You're wrong." So......he thinks she's ugly? I don't know...it's just that that part confused me a little. Then again, he could be saying that to something totally different that was 'implied,' but, I got confused so I don't know.

[KittKat chunky~]

I'm going to dissect yours like I do mine...if you don't want me to do this much technicality I'll stop, but it's not me trying to be mean. It's just all the little things I would check on if it were my writing. Overall and plot-wise, this bit is solid.

Please, go ahead!     It really helps to have experienced writers help this much   


I understand how that last part could be confusing, so that is definitely needed to be fixed. I'l make other changes to to the other parts you noted, and again thank you 

[x]

Anytime.  Sorry I took a bazillion years to get to it though  :'( ....

[KittKat chunky~]

Jareth strode through the mass of people, replying to the occasional waves and salutes. Walking up to one of the less crowded tables, he was met with a hearty cheer by the engineers sat around it. Several dog-eared cards were thrown down onto the table before him, as he pulled up a seat. The dealer, a ruddy-faced man, greeted Jareth with a wide grin “Where have you been? I told the guys to wait up for you, but you know how they are when it comes to a game of red diamonds!” He laughed, and everyone around the table joined in with another round of jovial applause and cheering.

Jareth sighed, already palming the octagonal cards and reached for a glass of clear liquid “Just delivering memos. A Chief’s paperwork is never done, it seems...” He knocked back half the glass, and grimaced “...Then some merchant-caste kid went and dropped some important papers. I spent half an hour trying to find him.” He leant back in his seat, drawing a card from the deck.

The dealer laughed again “Oh Jareth. You do have a soft spot for the young ones don’t you. If it had been me...” He leant in across the table, as if about to confide a deep secret “...I would have just dumped the papers in the nearest incinerator chute. Ask him to file that!” The engineers snorted with laughter, all except Jareth.

Throwing a card onto the pile in the centre, the dealer continued “Oh I’m just messin’ with you Jareth. But for instance, just the other day I was talking to a friend of mine. When that young thing you have an eye for, Tanaka, was brought up in our conversation...” A tense silence swept through the group, as every engineer looked furtively between the dealer and Jareth, bated breath waiting.

The dealer drained his glass in one burning gulp, grinning slyly “...From what I was told, she’s quite the pretty one... And if you hadn’t already got ‘er all to yourself, I would’ve given her some very private training myself, if you’re catching my drift here Jareth!” He laughed again, wiping a tear from his flushed cheek. This time however, he was the only one laughing.

Jareth scowled at the dealer, clenching his cards tightly “Is that so?” He tapped the edge of the cards against the steel tabletop, glowering “I never really thought any better of you, but it still disgusts me...” With that he threw all his cards down at once, tersely draining the rest of his drink “Full diamonds, this round goes to me gents.”


Any better?  I tried clarifying some parts, and further developing characters and their intentions  (including the somewhat pervy Dealer    )  Still not sure if this is finished, but hopefully its at least better than what it was...

Quote
but you know how they are with waiting, when it comes to a game of Red Diamonds!

This bit almost felt a bit panto to me

A reckoned both the Dealer and the surrounding Engineers are already pretty sloshed from the shots theyre downing... I tried to imply this by having the dealer as 'ruddy-faced' and the 'jovial applause and cheering'... Hopefully it makes more sense now that i've made some changes... hopefully 

[Asia Kali Yusufzai]

Well it's certainly a lot clearer, but could use a bit more scene setting, more description, more atmosphere and imagery.

also  noted down some other things:

Several dog-eared cards were thrown down onto the table before him, as he pulled up a seat.

you can get rid of "on the table before him." we already can guess where cadrs would be thrown down.

seems...” He knocked back half the glass, and grimaced “...Then

these elipses arent needed

bated breath waiting

dont need "waiting"

I never really thought any better of you, but it still disgusts me...

now you're over explaining perhaps.

It is better though, but I guess the improvement in one area highlights the faults in others, particularly atmosphere.

[KittKat chunky~]

Its like an onion!  Peel back one layer and it reveals another whole layer of problems! 

Not to worry, just requires more patience, time and correction... I shall get this section done properly!  *shakes fist in suitably heroic way*   

[x]

I agree. It is better. 

There's no real bones to pick with you, but I do suggest that you don't spend too long revising and revising one part. It is better to revise until it makes sense to you, then move on until you've finished the entire novel. If you spend too long on technical details in the rough draft, you'll get lost in them and miss the big picture...the plot.

[KittKat chunky~]

Nyah!  Its so hard striking that balance, between not revising and checking enough, and perhaps like you said taking too long on trying to sort one section  >.<


Anyway... I'm reasonably happy with the section as it is... I'l come back to it later, but for now it works enough to continue the story without being detrimental...

[Asia Kali Yusufzai]

Generally, I either do no rewrites, or just one rewrite per chapter until I've finished the novel.