The Furry Forums would like to place cookies on your computer to help us make this website better. To find out more about the cookies, see our privacy notice.
To accept the cookie click here, or please login or register.

Author Topic: Path To Dawn: A story that started as a comic.  (Read 1188 times)

0 Members and 0 Guests are viewing this topic.

Offline Kodachi Devil

  • Foxy Fox
  • ****
  • awards This user has been a forum member for over 10 years Top 100 Topic Starter
  • Posts: 441
  • Gender: Male
  • Bunbun! Bunbun! Yes I am!
    • Awards
  • Species: Squirrel
  • Coloring: Brown Fur, BBrown Hair.
  • Height: 5'11"
  • Weight: 119 lbs.
  • Build: Medium
Path To Dawn: A story that started as a comic.
« on: August 27, 2010, 10:19:42 PM »
Okay this is exactly as it says. I mainly have written this so that way I can have a relatively set-in-stone plotline, and not keep re-drawing parts of my comic. (im like super-OCD when it comes to my comics, and I have this mentality that 'if its not perfect , then everyone must think it's garbage' for some weird reason.)
So here it is! Also, I'm working on multiple stories, because I get too frustrated if I work on just one at a time. I'd like to credit my close friend neon (Houka, on here) for allowing me to use chibisuke. I really appreciate it ^-^
Oh and I also thank him for letting me use Keth, too! cause keth is awesome in every way

Prologue: Demon World.
 The year is 2030. About 18 years ago, a mysterious portal opened up high in the skies above Japan. In-fact it was so high up and so large that neighboring countries could see it clearly. Investigations were opened up but nobody could figure out the reason this portal was even there, or what it could do. Nobody could cross through it. Many theories rose up. Some said it was a sign of the apocalypse, others claimed government conspiracies, some said aliens, some said spirits, some said it was an ultimate attack from terrorists, that they had obtained some new type of bio-weapon to kill us all. Then, one day, about 5 months after the portal opened, a man with large dark wings descended, and demanded a private conference with the Prime Minister of Japan. From there, this 'private conversation' went to the united nations headquarters. In an international press-conference, officials revealed that 'denizens of another world' had contacted them, and wished to establish a co-existence that would supposedly benefit both of them. It was revealed that this world was called the Demon World, and with 'Demon Technology' pathways between worlds were opened up, and the world's began to co-exist. Many people were against this however, but that this point, there wasn't much that could be done without causing a war. In the long run, the economy's of both worlds improved over time, but some people still weren't happy about this (some people can never be satisfied, am I right?)
Now, in 2030, a massive demon-human school has been opened, called "Silver Mana Academy". The academy accepts students of all ages, and teaches anything from Math to Magic. The two principals that run the school are 17-year old werewolf prince, Amasuke (Ammy), and 1000 year old tiny dragon, Chibisuke.

Students from all over both worlds attend this school.
This story begins centering on a group of friends, and the many new students, friends, and enemies, that they meet during their time at silver mana academy.

And if you haven't guessed by now, there are a lot of different demon races.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I have like two chapters planned out, haha. So I'll post em on different posts.




Post Merge: August 27, 2010, 11:18:57 PM
Okay this chapter is really an introductory chapter, we meet the group of main characters, ranging from a technological genius to an anthropomorphic wolf, to a half-werewolf, to a couple of twins whose gender I can't quite discern, but for story purposes they are males. (looooong story, if you saw the actual pictures you'd understand. Quite frankly I don't know how I even came up with them)
And Meiyu City is a fictional city in the human world, by the way.
Chapter One: The First Day.
--------------------------------
He stood about 4 feet tall, pretty short for a boy his age. He had blonde hair, and wolf ears, perked up on top of his head. He had normal ears too, but those were covered by his hair, which was neatly combed to one side. He wore a jacket a bit too short for him, with a black shirt underneath, and blue jeans with black and white Nike sneakers. His ocean-blue eyes were opened wide as he looked at the massive building in front of him. He was completely enveloped in it's beautiful architecture, too engulfed in viewing it to notice the pestering of his half-cousin, Gin.

Gin was a dark-skinned boy, with light blonde hair. He wore a yellow cap through which his short black horns poked through. He also wore a Chinese-style cream colored outfit that was decorated with flower petals. His devil-tail flickered in the air angrily as he poked his cousin, Kyo.

"Kyo! Come on stop ogling a building, and let's check out the girls!" he said as he gave Kyo a quick whack on the back of his head, bringing him back to reality.

"Huh? Oh yeah, hahah. It's just this buildings really beautiful. Okay cuz, let's go in!" Kyo said as a smile appeared on his face and he entered the enormous building.
"You know, I'm kind of glad we ditched Ichi" said Kyo as they walked. "By now she would have been beating up on the both of us..."
"Shush!" said Gin. "You never know when my psycho of a sister is watching"

"Psycho, you say?" came a voice that was startlingly familiar from behind them.
"......Well speak o the devil!" said Kyo. "It's cousin Ichi!" He turned around slowly, faking a happy expression on his face. Gin turned around as well.

The girl that was in front of them was in fact Gin's sister Ichi. She looked almost like Gin, except her hair was very long, her horns were larger, and obviously, she was a girl, although one could mistake a pretty-boy like Gin for being a girl as well.

Her eyes suddenly flashed with anger as she sent a fist flying directly into Kyo's stomach, several students stopping to watch.
"I am NOT a psycho! HOW DARE YOU INSULT ME!" she said. "NEXT TIME IT'LL BE A KICK!" she screamed, before marching off to go who-knows-where.

Ichi was strange like that. She always popped up in unexpected places and then swiftly went somewhere else, though nobody really knew where. Kyo was clutching his stomach, but standing fairly straight now, as he turned to Gin.

"Before you ask, I'm already feeling better. Besides, I think I have a sure-fire way to evade Ichi's attacks now" said Kyo, with a devilish grin on his face.

"Hmm....is it not talking about her?" asked Gin.

"It was you that called her a psycho" replied Kyo. "And it most certainly is not. The idea is to GLIDE! You wanna hear how I'm sure this theory will work?"

"No not really" said Gin, curtly.

Gin and Kyo started walking to their designated homeroom, as Kyo babbled about his gliding technique, and Gin tuned him out by remembering an old comedy show he had seen. It was from before he was born. He repeated the joke to himself.

"Yeah, book people are smart, because they re-release the book when it's made into a movie, and they slap a picture of the actor on the cover. So all the stupid people go to the book and buy it, like with fight club. 'Ooh brad pitt's in this book..........nope.......so far just words. Fight Club the first rule of you should have been don't be a book!' And then that guy fights that book. And in the end, it turns out that that guy IS that book'"  he giggled a bit as he repeated the joke, and entered the classroom. He looked up to see another familiar face in the room.

A girl with long brown hair was sitting on a desk, swinging her legs back and forth as she waved at Gin and Kyo, eyes closed, smiling slyly at them. She was wearing a Red suit, that had a sparkling sheen to it that made her look slightly glittery, and like someone out of a lady gaga video. The suit was complete with Red dress shoes. In fact she looked more like a teacher. But just from looking at her face, Gin could tell it was Selena Allen, the certified 16-year-old technical genius of Meiyu City.

"Hey hey hey" she said. "I haven't seen you two boys in a while!"

"That's probably because you've been spending all your time with Eeeeeeeeeeeriiicccc" Kyo said tauntingly.
Eric Faulding was a boy that looked like he should be a scientist, but not a nerdy-looking scientist. He was a good-looking boy with short brown hair, and round glasses that made his eyes seem more attractive than they would without glasses. He always dressed like some sort of lab assistant, though, but somehow girls were inexplicably attracted to the boy, and were extremely jealous since he was already 'Taken'. However, no one dared try to harass the genius Selena. She would send them flying away with a blast from her hand-held tornado gun in an instant!

"Hey! Eric and I have a beautiful relationship, and you two boys are just jealous that you can't get a guy like him!" she said, smirking.

"Uhm, we're straight" said Kyo and Gin in unison.

"Yes, they all are at one point" said Selena, as she started laughing at her own joke.

"Oh shuuuuuuuut upppppppp!" came a loud voice from the back of the room.

The group turned around to see the source of the voice. Looking up from the comfortable resting space of his desk was an anthropomorphic wolf. He had white fur, and silver hair. He had piercings in both his ears, and was dressed completely in black.
"Can't a guy get some sleep? I mean what did you think I came to this school for?" he asked angrily.

"Oh hey Ky" said Selena. "Didn't notice you there. Hmm, Kyo shall I piss him off more?"
"Please don't" said Kyo.
"Too late!" said Selena. "So, how was your nap, Ky Frederick Kodachi?"

He suddenly jumped up from his chair and pointed a finger at her.
"Don't freaking CALL ME THAT!!!!" he shouted at her.
Selena just laughed, and the door to the classroom opened as two young........people, entered the room. One had pink hair and one had blue hair, in the same style. They were dressed in identical jesterish costumes, with oversized sleeved that dragged along the ground. The two were obviously identical twins. They looked exactly alike, and not just in the way they dressed. They had big round blue eyes, that would make any girl want to cuddle them in an instant, and tiny little mouths that were always in a curious smile.

"Shota alert" said Ky as he saw them enter the room.
"Oh hi, Marik and Kiram" said Gin, smiling and shaking each of their hands at the same time. "How was your vacation in Italy?"
"It was great!" The boys replied in unison.
"The beautiful rivers!" said Kiram.
"And the beautiful people!" said Marik.

They walked in the room and shook hands with Selena, and the three of them got to talking about some inventions Selena was supposed to make for them that would 'let them jump super-duper high'.

The final two additions to this group were two nekos that entered the room holding hands.
They were both boys. One had medium-length brown hair, with pink stripes in it. He was wearing a cute sea-green shirt and blue jeans, and a pair of fashionable looking sneakers. He had a pink bow tied to his tail as it flickered back and forth happily in a hypnotic rythem. His ears flickered back and forth. The other bow had blonde hair, and his black neko ears really stood out. His tail didn't sway at all. He was wearing a blue, long-sleeved shirt with a black music note on it, and black jeans.  His eyes were green, and they absolutely lit up when he saw all the familiar faces in the room.

"Keth! Kero!" shouted Kyo. "My favorite yaoi cats!"

Kero, the brown-haired one blushed a little and waves politely at Kyo. "Hi Kyo!"

Keth laughed at Kyo's little joke and went up and hugged him, letting go of kero's hand. "Ah, bro, it's been a long time!"

"wait wait wait!" said Ky. "You two are brothers?"

Kyo turned to Ky. "No but we've known each other for so long and grown so close we're like brothers!"
"Mhm, I'm going back to sleep" said Ky as he set his head on the desk and closed his eyes, before muttering "I hate this stupid enhanced hearing crap"

Keth stopped hugging Kyo, and the both of them, along with Kero and Gin, started talking about some of their experiences over the summer.

Suddenly, a large plume of smoke erupted in the room, and a couple students started coughing. When the smoke cleared, a blue haired boy, with blue eyes, who was also wearing an all blue outfit, waved at the class. "Hey there, I'm your principal! You can call me headmaster Ammy, if you wish!" he said, jumping up and down. "Oh yeah I have a special surprise for you all! We have a transfer student from Mother Russia!"

"Sir, you were never born in Russia, so I don't think you can call it 'Mother Russia'" said Selena.
"I-I'll call it whatever I want!" said Ammy, tears welling up in his eyes.
"H-HEY DONT CRY!" she said, jumping up and down frantically.
"Yeah yeah I'm fine!" said Ammy, instantly stopping the crying. He motioned for someone to enter the door, and in walked a small, anthropomorphic cat, about Kyo's height. He had golden fur and brown hair, and looked at the group, grinning.
"Hi there. I'm Salem Moon! I'm only half-russian, on my other side. The other half is English, on my dad's side. And in case you're wondering, yes in the demon world my dad was from an english speaking country. It's a pleasure to meet you all, and I hope we have a TERRIFIC year together!" he said, and started running around the room looking at various objects.

"sir, why did you only introduce him?" asked Selena.
"Because I absolutely LOVE the Russian Language" said Ammy, smiling. "Oh and your other headmaster's out sick today, so DONT BOTHER HIM!"

"Uhm.....how can we bother him if he's out sick?" asked Kyo.

"Well he's not really out, he's just laying in his office being a lazy dragon, which to him qualifies as being sick" said Ammy.

"A case of DELAYED MAY SICKNESS!" exclaimed marik and kiram.

"Yeah that" said Ammy, and another smoke blast appeared, as a large list popped up. "These are your dorms, have fun looking at the list. Now I have to go wake up that Chibisuke and yell at him"

And with that, a large blast of smoke appeared and Ammy dissapared from the room, leaving the students to look at the list.
« Last Edit: August 27, 2010, 11:19:23 PM by Kodachi Devil »
I'm a devil, but I'm not bad most of the time. Okay I'm only bad some of the time. Okay maybe I'm bad all of the time. ;D

I heart Girls Generation! <3

Offline Asia Kali Yusufzai

  • Unique Unicorn
  • **********
  • awards This user has been a forum member for over 10 years Top 100 Poster Top 50 Topic Starter This user has donated to the forum.
  • Posts: 2742
  • Gender: Male
    • Steam
    • Fur Affinity
    • DeviantArt
    • Awards
  • Species: Rabbit
  • Coloring: Hot Pink
  • Height: 5'9
  • Weight: 9 stone
  • Build: GORGEOUS
  • Reference: [link]
Re: Path To Dawn: A story that started as a comic.
« Reply #1 on: August 30, 2010, 11:16:39 PM »
Okay, there's promise here. Your writing isn't bad, if a bit robotic, and you have to be careful of throwing in too many characters all at once when you dont really need to. There's pace to this, but maybe a tad too much? it seems hyperactive. But some people like that. Anyway, since nothing has actually happened story wise, I'll reserve judgement and I would like to see how things go along. Also, here are the notes I made while reading:




First off, only put a prologue in if you honestly think you can't say this stuff through the story. Secondly, the demon world? I mean... that's a PR nightmare for the demons. How can you keep peace between humans and self proclaimed demons? Why don't they call themselves something else?
Don't explain things to us outside of the story. Your writing needs to explain that stuff on its own.

Ocean blue eyes? bit of a cliché? no?

Gin turned around as well.
no need to say it

There's not much poetry to your language. The way you say things is very matter of fact, point by point. Try to feel the emotion you want to give as you write it. The emotion is what's important.

The idea is to GLIDE!
Why don't you tell us what "gliding" entails?

Fight Club the first rule of you should have been don't be a book!'
confusing sentence... also is there a reason for that whole long joke to be told?

and entered the classroom. He looked up to see another familiar face in the room
Surely they should all be familiar faces. It's a classroom.

eyes closed, smiling slyly at them.
Why is she acting "sly" and why are her eyes closed? She doesn't seem sly when she speaks, and shouldn't she be looking at who she's waving at?

But just from looking at her face, Gin could tell it was Selena Allen
Well it's a familiar face, so if he couldn't tell, that would be weird.

somehow girls were inexplicably attracted to the boy,
Well, you just said he was good-looking with glasses-induced pretty eyes

The two were obviously identical twins. They looked exactly alike, and not just in the way they dressed.
That's what identical twins means. There's no need to explain it.

it flickered back and forth happily in a hypnotic rythem. His ears flickered back and forth
Dont use the same description in consequtive sentences... in fact try not to use the same words in consecutive sentences at all.

all the familiar faces in the room
stop saying familiar faces

"Hi there. I'm Salem Moon! I'm only half-russian, on my other side. The other half is English, on my dad's side. And in case you're wondering, yes in the demon world my dad was from an english speaking country. It's a pleasure to meet you all, and I hope we have a TERRIFIC year together!" he said, and started running around the room looking at various objects.
okay, three things here:
1: Salem Moon sounds awfully like Sailor Moon, and with such incredibly strong stereotypical anime vibes coming from this, are you sure that's wise?
2: They speak human languages in the demon world?
3: why is he just randomnly running around the classroom? Why is he running at all?





All in all though, keep working, keep building it and I would like to read more.
"Parents always think kids are wasting their youth, and always have done [so] down through the millennia," says Tom Forsyth of RAD Game Tools. "'That Ug, always holding things. His front paws will develop in funny ways. Why can't he walk on all fours like normal proto-hominids?' And so, whatever the kids spend the most time doing, that's always what parents think is a waste of time, and what is corrupting their lives. It doesn't matter what that is. If all they did was homework, parents would be worrying that their kids aren't becoming well-rounded people. And, in fact, parents do this - enrolling math nerds in karate classes and the like. There is no way to win - parental paranoia ensures that kids are always doing the wrong thing."


Puncia's Foundraising Project

Offline Kodachi Devil

  • Foxy Fox
  • ****
  • awards This user has been a forum member for over 10 years Top 100 Topic Starter
  • Posts: 441
  • Gender: Male
  • Bunbun! Bunbun! Yes I am!
    • Awards
  • Species: Squirrel
  • Coloring: Brown Fur, BBrown Hair.
  • Height: 5'11&quot;
  • Weight: 119 lbs.
  • Build: Medium
Re: Path To Dawn: A story that started as a comic.
« Reply #2 on: August 31, 2010, 07:38:13 PM »
*immediately begins re-writing the entire first chapter*

When did you become a literary genius, asia? ^-^

Cause seriously I never would have noticed that so uhm...yeah. THANK YOU SO MUCH~
I'm a devil, but I'm not bad most of the time. Okay I'm only bad some of the time. Okay maybe I'm bad all of the time. ;D

I heart Girls Generation! <3

Offline Asia Kali Yusufzai

  • Unique Unicorn
  • **********
  • awards This user has been a forum member for over 10 years Top 100 Poster Top 50 Topic Starter This user has donated to the forum.
  • Posts: 2742
  • Gender: Male
    • Steam
    • Fur Affinity
    • DeviantArt
    • Awards
  • Species: Rabbit
  • Coloring: Hot Pink
  • Height: 5'9
  • Weight: 9 stone
  • Build: GORGEOUS
  • Reference: [link]
Re: Path To Dawn: A story that started as a comic.
« Reply #3 on: August 31, 2010, 09:06:35 PM »
The benefits of a university education.

I'm glad to be of service :)
"Parents always think kids are wasting their youth, and always have done [so] down through the millennia," says Tom Forsyth of RAD Game Tools. "'That Ug, always holding things. His front paws will develop in funny ways. Why can't he walk on all fours like normal proto-hominids?' And so, whatever the kids spend the most time doing, that's always what parents think is a waste of time, and what is corrupting their lives. It doesn't matter what that is. If all they did was homework, parents would be worrying that their kids aren't becoming well-rounded people. And, in fact, parents do this - enrolling math nerds in karate classes and the like. There is no way to win - parental paranoia ensures that kids are always doing the wrong thing."


Puncia's Foundraising Project

Offline Kodachi Devil

  • Foxy Fox
  • ****
  • awards This user has been a forum member for over 10 years Top 100 Topic Starter
  • Posts: 441
  • Gender: Male
  • Bunbun! Bunbun! Yes I am!
    • Awards
  • Species: Squirrel
  • Coloring: Brown Fur, BBrown Hair.
  • Height: 5'11&quot;
  • Weight: 119 lbs.
  • Build: Medium
Re: Path To Dawn: A story that started as a comic.
« Reply #4 on: August 31, 2010, 10:44:02 PM »
oh. the demons thing....yikes.....

Okay
A) I didn't want to call them demons. But my brain aws so totally wrecked after thinking of a different name, and i couldn't think of a different name, so that totally sucked

B) because there was no different name i could think of.......*doom* I used that. WHICH SUCKS.....

*rewrites the rewrite again*
I'm a devil, but I'm not bad most of the time. Okay I'm only bad some of the time. Okay maybe I'm bad all of the time. ;D

I heart Girls Generation! <3

 

Powered by EzPortal