Jokes!!!!!

[MrRazot]

what do you call a man with a shovel?
Dug

[anoni]

What do you call a blind dear?
No eye deer
What do you call a blind deer with no legs?
Still no eye dear

[MrRazot]

what do you call a man without a shovel?
dugless


what do you call a blind dear with no legs or genitalia?


still no *cough* eye dear

[anoni]

A Canadian, an American and an Australian were all tied up, lining up to be killed by a fire squad.

As the gunmen aimed at the Canadian, he had to think fast, so he shouted at the top of his voice.
AVALANCHE!
In the confusion of this, he managed to untie himself and escape.
The American saw what the Canadian did and as the gunmen lined up to kill him, he shouted
FLOOD!!
In the confusion of this, he managed to untie himself and escape.
The Australian saw what his two companions had done and as the gunmen lined up to shoot, he shouted
FIRE!!!
...and that was the end of the Australian

[MrRazot]

i heard that one but as a blonde joke...


two blondes walk into a bar
you would have thought one of them would have seen it

[anoni]

(Blonde joke time!)
In the women's bathroom at a nice restaurant there is a magical mirror, if you tell the truth in front of the mirror you get a wish but, if you lie, you disappear.

A brunette walks into the bathroom and, not knowing about the mirrors magic, goes in front of the mirror and says.
"I think I am the beautiful woman in the world!"
And POOF, she disappears.

A red head walks into the room, also no knowing about the mirror, and goes in front of the mirror and states
"I think I am the most successful woman in the world!"
And  POOF, she disappears.

A blonde woman walks into the bathroom, not knowing the magical mirror, and goes in front of the mirror and says.
"I think..."
And POOF she disappears.

[MrRazot]

blonde, ginger and a brunette are running away from a farmer for trespassing.
they run and hide in a barn and hide in some bales of hay

the farmer comes with his pitch fork and pokes where the brunette is
she goes "woof woof"
the farmer being slightly drunk, dismisses her as a dog


the farmer then goes to where the ginger is hiding and pokes with this fork
she goes "meow meow"
the farmer dismisses her as a cat


the farmer then starts poking where the blonde is
she goes "hay hay"

[anoni]

3 women are dangling off a cliff, a blonde holding onto the cliff edge, a brunette holding on to the blondes legs and a red head holding onto the brunettes legs.
 
 The blonde struggles, but alas she says, "I can't make it up, there's too much weight!"
 
 So the red head makes a speech, she says, "I am but one person, I have some aspirations to my life, sure, but if I let go and fall to my death, you two will survive. You two are great people, you have always been my friends and I would trust you with my very life, my very soul, I want you to live on. So I will drop, to save you both, to let the world continue, with the beautiful souls that you are"
 
 The speech was very touching, all the girls had tears in there eyes, the blonde thought it was so great she decided to clap...
 

[MrRazot]

blonde brunette and red head are lying in the grass looking at the stars


"i bet red heads were the first to colonize the world" said the red head
"i bet brunettes were the first to go into space" said the brunette
"it doesn't matter" said the blonde "blondes will be the first to go to the sun"
"how?"asked the blonde "the sun is too hot and you will melt"
"don't be silly" said the blonde "we will go at night time"

[anoni]

Ahh! haven't heard that one before

Three physics/maths jokes:
A neutron walks into a bar, the neutron buys a drink and asks "how much?". The bartender replies, "For you? no charge!"

Two atoms are talking why one atom says to the other, "I think I lost an electron!", the second atom asks "Are you sure?" the first atom says "I'm positive!"

i and pi are having an argument, i finally is fed up with pi so i says "GET RATIONAL!" and pi goes, "GET REAL!"

[MrRazot]

lol is it sad i get all of those jokes?


a dog walks into a bar
but he is shown out because animals aren't aloud in bars

[anoni]

Three people are captured by cannibals.

The cannibals tell each person that they must go into the forest and find at least 3 of the same fruit, then they must come back to face the second test!

The first person comes back with 3 apples, the cannibals go up to him and say "You must shove all those apples up your butt and if you make one sound we shall eat you."
The first person looks shocked and stunned, but he reluctantly accepts, he gets ready, "Ok, ok... one.... t-t-t-t-woo... AHHH!" with that he is mauled and eaten.

The second person comes back with 10 grapes, the cannibals go up to him and say "You must shove all those grapes up yoru butt and if you make one sound we shall eat you."
The second person looks smug, he goes "haha, ok, this should be easy... one... two... three... four... five... six... seven... eight... nin... nine? BAHHAHAHAHAHA!" with that he is mauled and eaten.

The two people meet in heaven and the first person asked "Why did you laugh?! you could of survived!" the second person says "I couldn't help it! I saw the other guy carrying pineapples!"

[MrRazot]

rofl


how do you help a hungry cannibal?
you give him a hand

[anoni]

Iron man... [Fe]male?

If you are what you eat... are cannibals the only real people?

[MrRazot]

you are what you eat?... pity i really enjoy almonds


why did the boy drop his icecream?
because he was hit by a bus