Leiton's Writing Madness

[Leiton]

. .

[Wobbyx]

I'm intrigued. Sounds lke a good story, but still, the main character needs a name...

[legolyle]

I liked it, I felt it was very well written. No lie.
so, I went through and corrected most of the stuff I found. I found a surprising amount of surface errors, and some not so obvious things, and then some other stuff I just felt like putting in/thought needed to be changed. (attached)
(remember, besides the surface errors I point out, these are my [usually wrong] opinions!)
overall though, here's my impression:

you are a good story teller
you have a good base story going on, it's good. Not boring. good cliffhanger.
the story DOES progress at a good pace
the characters are good
no names, but yeah, that can be fixed

I think, you should focus on using some more active descriptions and words at times. I found your descriptions good, but, you can bring your writing to life if you get accustomed to using very avid and active words. Alternatively, some writers don't do that so, up to you.
Additionally, if you can, reduce wordiness at times (I only *noticed* this once) by replacing several words with one or two if you can. It flows better then.

I also *noticed* at one point, you didn't use contractions-which is fine. But, sometimes I think they help the writing flow better when it is being read. But it is obviously not technically wrong. I've read that you're not supposed to use contractions in writing stories, but, plenty of mainstream authors do. I think it depends. Use your judgement

Honestly, overall, this story is very good, imo. First and foremost, is the strength of the story. It just works. I think a lot of people have trouble with making a good story. You have set up a good one so far as I can tell.
Then, writing the descriptions, and yet still making it all flow. You've done that well!


I liked it I'm looking forward to the second part actually

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[legolyle]

not a problem I actually made an error in the edit myself, which I just noticed
I replaced "slowing" with "slowly" when, both should be removed. Just an fyi xD

but yeah, surface errors are all I really found to be of issue. Which is easy to correct, so I found your writing overall strong
not that I'm the best judge of that stuff, but, y'know
yeah, focus on getting it all in, then edit it after you're all done xD

[legolyle]

So, Leiton, I loved this chapter. I found it more catching than the prolouge, it had more descriptiveness I feel

so overall, I found several repetitious elements (not beneficial ) and a couple things I felt were not necessary-some small talk/useless banter that I didn't feel added to the story, and sort of lost my interest. You can see it in the edit
it didn't *lose* my interest, it just sorta got me wondering when the next part was gonna come.

I also feel as if the transition between her sleeping and then fighting the demon was very sudden and abrupt. I think it would be ebtter to build up some dark images-for the impending fight, and THEN have the demon appear.

As well,  I felt the way the demon entered (as a block of purple mass) was not very scary, and I thought it was a gaurds' gun or something. Or at least that's how I saw it. If you made the mass dark black, and cloudy, using some vivid description showing how it "hit" her, thatd really get the reader interested!

remember, key is to keep the reader interested, too much description is bad, but describing lots of emotional or scary impact on the character interests the reader (so long as it isn't a monotonous amount of it). I think, you need more in the fight scene

I found the story interesting, I stayed focused, I was very interested! I really was! I found though, it was hard to imagine what all this darkness and the demon looked like at the end. It may be very beneficial to describe that more, or use more imagery. In a situation like this, where you are putting visual cues out there for the reader, aka: “tendril of darkness” etc, then you need to make sure the reader understands the image you want them to see. In this case I believe it important they see what you see. In this case, I *don’t* see what you see. So, think about how you want to describe this with imagery, come up with some new images, methods, whatever-and attempt that at some point. I think it would *significantly* improve the ‘fight’ scene.

So, overall, imagery!

you can see some of my comments in the attached edit
sorry I couldn't post it sooner
I'm really liking it though still man, it shows real promise. I'm actually interested in the story. I felt it progressed well other than a tad of useless banter.
looking forward to the NEXT part now xD


PS: I provide these in PDF, but, I realize, the PDF may not allow you to copy over highlights and such to word-so if you would like me to provide these in .doc format or anything, just let me know

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