Just broke up with my boyfriend of over one year and it's not going well

[Azulupei]

You're going to need a lot of background on this story. But... here goes.

We had met on an LGBT forum a long time ago. We became friends and eventually said we liked each other. Everything was great. for a few months. But... he fell into deep, dark depression eight months ago. I did everything I could to help him out of it, and eventually, I did. But the depression stayed. On top of that, he became suicidal and only came to me when he was upset. He didn't trust anyone else except for me. Anything that went wrong would make him upset and cling tightly to me for support and comfort. I barely even noticed while it was happening, but he needed to talk to me 24/7. From when we both woke up, we would start texting until we both got on Skype to video call. I'm in college, and he took up every available second out of my day.

I understand exactly how his mind works, and I could go on for a long time about that. But in essence, he's still a child. He never matured after he came out to himself. When he figured it out, he wanted to kill himself, and he was only twelve years old. He lost his childhood then and there and still clings to his child-like mentality in an effort to get it back. He has all the good qualities of a kid (in my opinion) like playfulness, acting cute, and just wanting to have fun. But it also includes the temper tantrums, dependency on me for everything, and clinginess.

I broke up with him two nights ago and he's still trying to get me to talk to him. I laid out I couldn't deal with his depression and suicidal thoughts anymore. That I couldn't keep talking to him all day every day. I need space to focus on school and my friends who really only got to see me at dinner. He keeps texting or calling my phone (can't block the number) and I'm trying to ignore what he says. I feel so guilty for what I did to him, but at the same time I realize that it's best for both of us. For him to learn independence and for me to do what needs to be done at this point in my life.

But what I need a little help on is how to be okay with splitting up. He was a wreck with me, and I bet he's eve worse now. I do feel a little guilty for doing this to him, but at the same time, I know it had to be done. Any thoughts?

[Cheza]

This might sound pretty cruel, but in my opinion you've done the right thing...

It's almost always impossible for a "mere mortal" to try and fix another person unless the other person want to be fixed. (I've been in a similar situation and it only made me feel bad because I kept feeling like I failed him when the whole issue was that he didn't want to be fixed.. He just wanted the "awww, poor wittle darling *hugggsssss*" and other kinds of comfort..) I take it he never went to see a psychologist or did anything else to try and fix himself?

If you haven't already, and if you still want to try and help him, try telling him that he should leave you alone and (in case you want him to, come back once he has managed to) go somewhere to get help with his depression.. Explain how this whole thing makes you feel once and for all.

You probably couldn't have fixed him yourself, so don't feel bad about that. All that's left to do now is to hope that he can pull himself together enough to go get help...
Don't let this trouble you too much since there was most likely nothing that could have been done to save it, and it was a really destructive relationship. Chances are there is someone else out there who isn't a wreck waiting for someone like you...

[Twilight Rose]

I had a similar problem with my first boyfriend. He was extremely depressed and bordering on suicidal. He was lashing out at all of his online friends (big technogeek, they comprised most of his friends), and refused to apologize when I told him to. It ultimately took such a toll on me that I broke up with him. Like yours, he wouldn't stop texting and calling me. I basically didn't answer him at all for weeks once I realized he was going to keep trying to get me back. His issues got worse... Much worse. However, after a while, since he stopped relying on me, he fixed HIMSELF, and is now better than ever, and happier than he's ever been.


I say you did the right thing. Bear it; he should stop soon. And who knows, maybe someday down the line you'll hear that he's doing really well.

[Azulupei]

I hope you guys are right. It's so hard to not reply to him. He keeps threatening suicide and it scares me a lot..

[Twilight Rose]

If he worries you too much, you can always send in an anonymous tip that he's threatening to kill himself. Not really sure how all that works, but I'm pretty sure there are ways.

[Drakos]

From what I gather you've pretty much done everything you can other than call the police and let them know he's threatening his life which, if it's true, I'd do just so he doesn't hurt himself.


Anyways, I can understand that you are feeling guilty about what happened, and it's normal. I can tell you that this is true because I've been through a similar relationship myself. Sometimes you need to step back and take time for yourself, as selfish as that sounds. As I said in another thread in these boards, a relationship should never be a one-way street. It should be about what both of you want and need, not just him. Although he has needs, so do you. So don't feel guilty for having needs that make it difficult or impossible to satisfy all of his because it's not all about him as harsh as it sounds.


I'm not saying ignore him completely, but also realize that you need to balance his and your life equally for it to work. And if you can't, it won't work that well probably...anyways I hope I was able to help you out here. You can always message me if you need someone to talk to, though. Have a good one .

[NautilusWolf]

Honestly, I was forced to grow up early in my life. My parents got a divorce when I was 10, and things fell apart from there. I lost my dog, my house (which was POORLY maintained), I developed OCD from it, I was verbally/psychologically abused by my mom's (now ex) boyfriend, my dad should have died (the doctor said he shouldn't even be alive) from alcohol poisoning, and I moved from Ohio to Louisiana with my now 3 year sober father. There's more to it, but that's the gist. He will have to learn the hard way as I have. It sucks, I won't polish it up. But if he wants to be happy in life, he has to fix himself. Nobody made me better, I did. I didn't get to have my teenage years so far. I'm enlisting in the Navy next year. Moral is, you can't control other people. He will fix himself when he's ready. Give him time, and just a bit of friendly support. Not all day, but a text here and there. When he's ready, he'll kick off the training wheels and ride by himself.