My mind going to the wrong areas

[Senjiku Ayakashi]

So lately ive been finding myself worked up, worried and unable to do anything without thinking of HER. She has these periods where she doesnt want to talk to anyone and it scare the crap out of me. My mind starts to wander, and comes up with: Is she cheating on me? Am i doing something wrong? Shes probably not cheating on you. . . But how would you know its a long distance relationship. Havent skyped in awhile huh. . . You poor piece of s***. Whatcha gonna do if she leaves you? Kill yourself, you're too much of a p**** to do that. Why dont you go lay down and cry yourself to sleep. You think itll work itself out tell that to lonely here.
  It just goes on and on until i feel horrible, can anyone help me out?

[Twilight Rose]

Aww, I know that feeling... It's the curse of an overthinker. Has she ever done anything to give your concerns validity? If not, the best thing to do is flip your rationale. Not always easy, but it helps. Instead of what if->no proof->worry, try to make it a what if->no proof-> nothing to worry about.

[Teiko]

The thing that girls HATE is overly-attached boyfriends. I had to learn it the hard way. If they see that you are worked up over not interacting with them, if you show them any weakness, then they will start losing attraction. The best thing to do is to give them a taste of their own medicine and ignore them back - make them miss YOU. At least, in my experience, my ex admitted to kind of stalking me whenever i ignored her. Just have the mindset that you are happy on your own. You don't need her; it's good that she makes you happy, and you can love her, but it is not of concern to you if she wants to leave, because she is not vital to you. Make her the one that has to prove herself to you. You are unique, and she is lucky to have you. And that should be your mentality for every single person you know. You don't lose people; they lose you. You love YOU before you love her. You might say, it's healthy to be a little egotistical. 
Plus, sometimes people just need space. I've found that i'm so much happier after i've trained myself to let go of people, whether it's a girl, or friends, etc. It took me years to achieve this but i'm glad i'm not wasting my time dwelling over some girl anymore. I came dangerously close to ending my life on many occasions. Now i look back on that (a couple years ago) and can't believe i ever felt the need to do that.
So my advice, just be happy, give her some space, let her be the one to seek your attention, and if not then you have no business with her really. You tried your best already but can't sacrifice your entire life for her.

Cheers

[Midnight Madness]

*boop*

This is a mix of the absolute worst advice and some of the best. To address that in order: revenge is better never served, because all it does is serve to perpetuate a cycle of wrongs that never get righted. If he gave her an eye for an eye, soon enough she'd see how it is and things would end. It'd be him going out of his way to hurt her, which is wrong to do.

Likewise, missing someone is absolutely not weakness. He obviously cares greatly about her, and while I agree he shouldn't let it consume him and his life, it should be noted that these fearful thoughts are not being weak, they are part of being an emotionally driven being. Chicks aren't ravenous predators picking off the weakest from the herd, and a dude that shows feelings and concerns is more of what the world needs. Most of my friends are women, and I have been in numerous relationships and even have found out about a few chicks crushing on me, not a single one of them thinks I'm weak for freely admitting my feelings, no matter how sad or scared they are. In fact, his admission of his feelings is far more admirable than the fool that sweeps them away and lies about them being there to start. Nobody is perfect, and everyone has weaknesses, and if someone leaves you for feeling you're not "strong enough," they should go and reevaluate their views on people as a whole. I mean, how shallow can one be to just bail on another because they're not "strong enough?" He has a flaw that he has to work through, and so does everyone else. She has been lacking communication despite being supposedly romantically involved with him, so that is a mistake just as much as thinking the worst due to that.

Each individual is as important as the last, but the individual must be around in order to be that individual. So let me agree with Teiko here: don't freak out and definitely don't ruin your own life for anyone else. If someone is doing more harm than good to you, you have a right to leave, and that is a judgment call. For example, physical abuse, manipulating them to feel some way or another, constant derogatory comments, verbal and emotional abuse, greed and other forms of unreasonable selfishness are all things you should be leaving them for. And since everyone is as important as the last, that means nobody is more or less important. So a fair balance of selfishness and selflessness is important for achieving a healthy lifestyle.

Now as for what you should do, Senjiku? I suggest you consider a few things. Life is crazy sometimes, and people will want to get away from it all from time to time. It's important to give people space when they ask for it. Try having a mature conversation with her (no freaking out or getting extra personal about it) about how her sudden, extended departures make you feel, and ask her all about what causes her to want to flee so maybe it can quell such negative thoughts in the future. Make sure you keep avenues open so you can talk to friends and spend time with them when she's gone, and if you can't have a friend around for every day she's gone, find something else to distract yourself with, like going out for a drive, reading, playing games or whatever it is you enjoy. It's important to learn how to rely on yourself as well, but never be scared to share how you feel in situations like these, because bottling things up inside can be far more dangerous than someone reacting poorly to sharing them.

And dude, I have had all of those same thoughts you listed before. I have since overcome them, myself. Yes, it still feels like shit when you don't hear from someone you care about for a little while, but it's not at all the end of the world.

[Teiko]

I would say, yes, definitely voice yourself. If you are going to express your worries, do it one time and be very clear about it. After that, the rest will be up to her. No chasing after her like a little child. I guess that's what i meant to say, because it seemed like he had been expressing it already to her.

I don't condone any type of revenge. If they ignore you without explanation, then they are doing you wrong and you need to be prepared to opt out. By placing the burden on them to seek you, you are putting your relationship to the test, and protecting your psyche. You are NOT trying to hurt them. That is not the point, so i would not call it revenge. I probably should have left out "taste of their own medicine" because i knew it would be taken the wrong way haha.

I don't see worrying about someone as weakness in any way. I think it's a valuable quality. But i'm I'm not going to discredit my actual experience just because it sounds bad. It's very real observation. I would say you are not 100% correct about women. Sure, some of them do understand the value of sympathy and having someone who really cares about them. But there ARE girls that use people, or have a horribly skewed perception of what a caring guy is (viewing it as weakness) and you have to be aware of that. Don't assume either of the two. Both sexes occupy the full spectrum of personalities. And I admit Sytex is right that you should voice yourself, because it could be flipped the other way (girl sees guy as being unconcerned about her). I meant to say, don't just right off the bat ignore her - rather, express your concerns, if she isn't having any of it, then give her the space she wants, and let her seek you when she is ready, or, let her leave.

I just wanted to stress how important it is to put yourself first. You shouldn't have to be sad over someone else.

[Senjiku Ayakashi]

Aww, I know that feeling... It's the curse of an overthinker. Has she ever done anything to give your concerns validity? If not, the best thing to do is flip your rationale. Not always easy, but it helps. Instead of what if->no proof->worry, try to make it a what if->no proof-> nothing to worry about.

Yeah im a serious overthinker, thabk you for the advice, but ive tried that. I went in a hyperventilating fit last night taking a hot shower. It usually calms me

The thing that girls HATE is overly-attached boyfriends. I had to learn it the hard way. If they see that you are worked up over not interacting with them, if you show them any weakness, then they will start losing attraction. The best thing to do is to give them a taste of their own medicine and ignore them back - make them miss YOU. At least, in my experience, my ex admitted to kind of stalking me whenever i ignored her. Just have the mindset that you are happy on your own. You don't need her; it's good that she makes you happy, and you can love her, but it is not of concern to you if she wants to leave, because she is not vital to you. Make her the one that has to prove herself to you. You are unique, and she is lucky to have you. And that should be your mentality for every single person you know. You don't lose people; they lose you. You love YOU before you love her. You might say, it's healthy to be a little egotistical. 
Plus, sometimes people just need space. I've found that i'm so much happier after i've trained myself to let go of people, whether it's a girl, or friends, etc. It took me years to achieve this but i'm glad i'm not wasting my time dwelling over some girl anymore. I came dangerously close to ending my life on many occasions. Now i look back on that (a couple years ago) and can't believe i ever felt the need to do that.
So my advice, just be happy, give her some space, let her be the one to seek your attention, and if not then you have no business with her really. You tried your best already but can't sacrifice your entire life for her.

Cheers

I understand what you're saying and that isn't something i could do. I can't ignore people. I've tried and failed many times. thanks for the advice though.

*boop*

This is a mix of the absolute worst advice and some of the best. To address that in order: revenge is better never served, because all it does is serve to perpetuate a cycle of wrongs that never get righted. If he gave her an eye for an eye, soon enough she'd see how it is and things would end. It'd be him going out of his way to hurt her, which is wrong to do.

Likewise, missing someone is absolutely not weakness. He obviously cares greatly about her, and while I agree he shouldn't let it consume him and his life, it should be noted that these fearful thoughts are not being weak, they are part of being an emotionally driven being. Chicks aren't ravenous predators picking off the weakest from the herd, and a dude that shows feelings and concerns is more of what the world needs. Most of my friends are women, and I have been in numerous relationships and even have found out about a few chicks crushing on me, not a single one of them thinks I'm weak for freely admitting my feelings, no matter how sad or scared they are. In fact, his admission of his feelings is far more admirable than the fool that sweeps them away and lies about them being there to start. Nobody is perfect, and everyone has weaknesses, and if someone leaves you for feeling you're not "strong enough," they should go and reevaluate their views on people as a whole. I mean, how shallow can one be to just bail on another because they're not "strong enough?" He has a flaw that he has to work through, and so does everyone else. She has been lacking communication despite being supposedly romantically involved with him, so that is a mistake just as much as thinking the worst due to that.

Each individual is as important as the last, but the individual must be around in order to be that individual. So let me agree with Teiko here: don't freak out and definitely don't ruin your own life for anyone else. If someone is doing more harm than good to you, you have a right to leave, and that is a judgment call. For example, physical abuse, manipulating them to feel some way or another, constant derogatory comments, verbal and emotional abuse, greed and other forms of unreasonable selfishness are all things you should be leaving them for. And since everyone is as important as the last, that means nobody is more or less important. So a fair balance of selfishness and selflessness is important for achieving a healthy lifestyle.

Now as for what you should do, Senjiku? I suggest you consider a few things. Life is crazy sometimes, and people will want to get away from it all from time to time. It's important to give people space when they ask for it. Try having a mature conversation with her (no freaking out or getting extra personal about it) about how her sudden, extended departures make you feel, and ask her all about what causes her to want to flee so maybe it can quell such negative thoughts in the future. Make sure you keep avenues open so you can talk to friends and spend time with them when she's gone, and if you can't have a friend around for every day she's gone, find something else to distract yourself with, like going out for a drive, reading, playing games or whatever it is you enjoy. It's important to learn how to rely on yourself as well, but never be scared to share how you feel in situations like these, because bottling things up inside can be far more dangerous than someone reacting poorly to sharing them.

And dude, I have had all of those same thoughts you listed before. I have since overcome them, myself. Yes, it still feels like shit when you don't hear from someone you care about for a little while, but it's not at all the end of the world.

Thanks for your advice, it seemed to help the most, though when im enjoying myself i seem like I'm ignoring her, so i continuously think of her. Is a long distance relationship, and I've been told it'll never work out by my grandparents and my parents. My dad asked me how can you even consider someone you've never met physically your girlfriend? My grandparents kept telling me while i was on vacation that long distance relationships never work out, and they constantly said it, every time i was skyping with her. I knew that it hurt her because she almost cried at work.

[saph the sergal]

*boop*

This is a mix of the absolute worst advice and some of the best. To address that in order: revenge is better never served, because all it does is serve to perpetuate a cycle of wrongs that never get righted. If he gave her an eye for an eye, soon enough she'd see how it is and things would end. It'd be him going out of his way to hurt her, which is wrong to do.

Likewise, missing someone is absolutely not weakness. He obviously cares greatly about her, and while I agree he shouldn't let it consume him and his life, it should be noted that these fearful thoughts are not being weak, they are part of being an emotionally driven being. Chicks aren't ravenous predators picking off the weakest from the herd, and a dude that shows feelings and concerns is more of what the world needs. Most of my friends are women, and I have been in numerous relationships and even have found out about a few chicks crushing on me, not a single one of them thinks I'm weak for freely admitting my feelings, no matter how sad or scared they are. In fact, his admission of his feelings is far more admirable than the fool that sweeps them away and lies about them being there to start. Nobody is perfect, and everyone has weaknesses, and if someone leaves you for feeling you're not "strong enough," they should go and reevaluate their views on people as a whole. I mean, how shallow can one be to just bail on another because they're not "strong enough?" He has a flaw that he has to work through, and so does everyone else. She has been lacking communication despite being supposedly romantically involved with him, so that is a mistake just as much as thinking the worst due to that.

Each individual is as important as the last, but the individual must be around in order to be that individual. So let me agree with Teiko here: don't freak out and definitely don't ruin your own life for anyone else. If someone is doing more harm than good to you, you have a right to leave, and that is a judgment call. For example, physical abuse, manipulating them to feel some way or another, constant derogatory comments, verbal and emotional abuse, greed and other forms of unreasonable selfishness are all things you should be leaving them for. And since everyone is as important as the last, that means nobody is more or less important. So a fair balance of selfishness and selflessness is important for achieving a healthy lifestyle.

Now as for what you should do, Senjiku? I suggest you consider a few things. Life is crazy sometimes, and people will want to get away from it all from time to time. It's important to give people space when they ask for it. Try having a mature conversation with her (no freaking out or getting extra personal about it) about how her sudden, extended departures make you feel, and ask her all about what causes her to want to flee so maybe it can quell such negative thoughts in the future. Make sure you keep avenues open so you can talk to friends and spend time with them when she's gone, and if you can't have a friend around for every day she's gone, find something else to distract yourself with, like going out for a drive, reading, playing games or whatever it is you enjoy. It's important to learn how to rely on yourself as well, but never be scared to share how you feel in situations like these, because bottling things up inside can be far more dangerous than someone reacting poorly to sharing them.

And dude, I have had all of those same thoughts you listed before. I have since overcome them, myself. Yes, it still feels like shit when you don't hear from someone you care about for a little while, but it's not at all the end of the world.

what sytex said with revenge is true just let life do it for you trust me its alot better then you doing it because you can be helpd accountable for what happens


and as for long distance ive had a few and nearly all my friends are overseas and yet im keeping good contact with them all and heres a pic i love when someones hates on long distance 

[Trixsie Vixen]

Owww!  My brain hurts


OK, you need to not assume silence equals a betrayal.  I know it's hard but the best approach is to express to her that you miss her when she's offline and find out why that is the case.  Does she just have lots of stuff on and has to do things or does she need a lot of solitary time (which is a common trait generally and defining trait of introversion).


Once you know what needs she is addressing that gives you insight and a known cause is better than your imagined ones.


As for girls not wanting an over-attached boyfriend, that's true in a circular way.  How do you define "overly-attached"?  When it pisses off your gf!  So I dunno how useful that is, but tastes DO vary.  Girls aren't all the same and what is too clingy face to face is different from in a LDR.  So don't be TOO emotional about it when you talk, but tell her that you miss her and when you know what she's doing you can still understand and be fine with her needing that space AND miss her too.


TBH if a guy didn't miss me when I was gone for a while, that's strike one right there.  Just my preference btw.


If you've been cheated on before, then you will be gun-shy about it.  That's natural, but try not to put that onto her.  Because if there's one thing that will make someone cheat, it's being falsely accused of it again and again (I have seen this many times sadly).  I guess it's like "well what have I got to lose" or something.


Honestly just telling her how you're thinking is a good idea.  Just steer away from phrase like "when you do X it makes me feel like" because what she is doing isn't what makes you feel that way.  It seems a small difference but "I feel like X when I can't reach you" makes a big difference on the edge of a possible argument.


And if she has good reasons or once that she can't change and you still feel insecure, that's OK, but focus that onto something positive.  Write her a poem or do something nice for her while you're thinking of her but can't talk.  It's almost impossible to tell yourself to not think of something, that's all you CAN think of then!  So give yourself something else to focus on.  Ease your mind and be romantic as a double bonus!


That's my 2 cents Senji!  You know we can always talk to me buddy.

[Senjiku Ayakashi]

*boop*

This is a mix of the absolute worst advice and some of the best. To address that in order: revenge is better never served, because all it does is serve to perpetuate a cycle of wrongs that never get righted. If he gave her an eye for an eye, soon enough she'd see how it is and things would end. It'd be him going out of his way to hurt her, which is wrong to do.

Likewise, missing someone is absolutely not weakness. He obviously cares greatly about her, and while I agree he shouldn't let it consume him and his life, it should be noted that these fearful thoughts are not being weak, they are part of being an emotionally driven being. Chicks aren't ravenous predators picking off the weakest from the herd, and a dude that shows feelings and concerns is more of what the world needs. Most of my friends are women, and I have been in numerous relationships and even have found out about a few chicks crushing on me, not a single one of them thinks I'm weak for freely admitting my feelings, no matter how sad or scared they are. In fact, his admission of his feelings is far more admirable than the fool that sweeps them away and lies about them being there to start. Nobody is perfect, and everyone has weaknesses, and if someone leaves you for feeling you're not "strong enough," they should go and reevaluate their views on people as a whole. I mean, how shallow can one be to just bail on another because they're not "strong enough?" He has a flaw that he has to work through, and so does everyone else. She has been lacking communication despite being supposedly romantically involved with him, so that is a mistake just as much as thinking the worst due to that.

Each individual is as important as the last, but the individual must be around in order to be that individual. So let me agree with Teiko here: don't freak out and definitely don't ruin your own life for anyone else. If someone is doing more harm than good to you, you have a right to leave, and that is a judgment call. For example, physical abuse, manipulating them to feel some way or another, constant derogatory comments, verbal and emotional abuse, greed and other forms of unreasonable selfishness are all things you should be leaving them for. And since everyone is as important as the last, that means nobody is more or less important. So a fair balance of selfishness and selflessness is important for achieving a healthy lifestyle.

Now as for what you should do, Senjiku? I suggest you consider a few things. Life is crazy sometimes, and people will want to get away from it all from time to time. It's important to give people space when they ask for it. Try having a mature conversation with her (no freaking out or getting extra personal about it) about how her sudden, extended departures make you feel, and ask her all about what causes her to want to flee so maybe it can quell such negative thoughts in the future. Make sure you keep avenues open so you can talk to friends and spend time with them when she's gone, and if you can't have a friend around for every day she's gone, find something else to distract yourself with, like going out for a drive, reading, playing games or whatever it is you enjoy. It's important to learn how to rely on yourself as well, but never be scared to share how you feel in situations like these, because bottling things up inside can be far more dangerous than someone reacting poorly to sharing them.

And dude, I have had all of those same thoughts you listed before. I have since overcome them, myself. Yes, it still feels like shit when you don't hear from someone you care about for a little while, but it's not at all the end of the world.

what sytex said with revenge is true just let life do it for you trust me its alot better then you doing it because you can be helpd accountable for what happens


and as for long distance ive had a few and nearly all my friends are overseas and yet im keeping good contact with them all and heres a pic i love when someones hates on long distance 

Thanks Saph, that pictures cute! Its true also, im gonna make that my lock screen

Owww!  My brain hurts


OK, you need to not assume silence equals a betrayal.  I know it's hard but the best approach is to express to her that you miss her when she's offline and find out why that is the case.  Does she just have lots of stuff on and has to do things or does she need a lot of solitary time (which is a common trait generally and defining trait of introversion).


Once you know what needs she is addressing that gives you insight and a known cause is better than your imagined ones.


As for girls not wanting an over-attached boyfriend, that's true in a circular way.  How do you define "overly-attached"?  When it pisses off your gf!  So I dunno how useful that is, but tastes DO vary.  Girls aren't all the same and what is too clingy face to face is different from in a LDR.  So don't be TOO emotional about it when you talk, but tell her that you miss her and when you know what she's doing you can still understand and be fine with her needing that space AND miss her too.


TBH if a guy didn't miss me when I was gone for a while, that's strike one right there.  Just my preference btw.


If you've been cheated on before, then you will be gun-shy about it.  That's natural, but try not to put that onto her.  Because if there's one thing that will make someone cheat, it's being falsely accused of it again and again (I have seen this many times sadly).  I guess it's like "well what have I got to lose" or something.


Honestly just telling her how you're thinking is a good idea.  Just steer away from phrase like "when you do X it makes me feel like" because what she is doing isn't what makes you feel that way.  It seems a small difference but "I feel like X when I can't reach you" makes a big difference on the edge of a possible argument.


And if she has good reasons or once that she can't change and you still feel insecure, that's OK, but focus that onto something positive.  Write her a poem or do something nice for her while you're thinking of her but can't talk.  It's almost impossible to tell yourself to not think of something, that's all you CAN think of then!  So give yourself something else to focus on.  Ease your mind and be romantic as a double bonus!


That's my 2 cents Senji!  You know we can always talk to me buddy.

Thanks Trixs you're awesome, its understandable and i like the way you worded it. I was drawing last night but i ended up taking a shower after and the attack came on.

[saph the sergal]

if you ever want more pics just pm me ive got stacks of them scattered around my pc

[Senjiku Ayakashi]

So she told her friend she broke up with me a while ago. So **censor** my life and I'm done for awhile, dunno if ill still want to continue my Rp

[Senjiku Ayakashi]

Sorry i accidentally cussed im quite shaken up

[Dr. Prower]

If you need some time to yourself, it's okay. Don't feel bad about it. And if you need a shoulder to cry on, we're all here for you.

[Senjiku Ayakashi]

I need to destroy stuff, almost cussed again

[Teiko]

It will be okay! It might be a long time before you get over it, but it WILL happen, and you will look back and laugh. The important thing is that you embrace yourself and realize that you are the center of your universe, not her. As far as we are concerned, she lost you.

Post Merge: January 29, 2015, 04:22:49 AMJust remember this one quote:

"NOBODY is important enough to make you upset".

Nobody!!!