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Author Topic: Need help!  (Read 1237 times)

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Offline AndrewZeCat

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Need help!
« on: March 27, 2015, 09:26:54 AM »
Hi!
I was wondering if you guys could help me with a few things. I am currently writing..I guess I could call it a book. I am writing it in English but since English isn't my first language, is it a little bit hard to find miss spellings and grammatical errors. I would be very happy if someone would take a little time to read through the text and tell me what they find. It is not a furry inspired text but I hope that doesn't matter. The name for the book is An apple for a soul but I am thinking on maybe changing it later.

Spoiler for Hidden:
 
An apple for a soul
Chapter 1: The apple 
There is a big apple tree out in our garden. The apples that grow from it is blood red and so big that a grown man can’t get his fingers around it. But I have never tasted any apple from it. Mom and Dad used to say that I am not allowed near it because of the falling apples would maybe knock me out. But today mom and dad isn’t home. I am just now standing a few meters from it and it’s bigger than I imagine. The apples look very delicious from here and I can’t wait to eat one. I take some steps closer to it when I suddenly hear a loud “crack” above my head. I look up and I see the biggest apple I ever seen, falling from the top of the tree. Luckily for me it lands on the ground without taking any damaged and it rolls to my feet. I stare on it for a while before I pick it up and I run inside with it.
 
 I put the apple on the dinner table and I stare at it. I don’t really know what to do with it, I never seen such a beautiful apple before. I decide to clean it with some water first so I get off all the dirt. While I clean I suddenly get this feeling that something or someone is watching me. I look out through the window but it’s too dark to see anything. I finish cleaning off the apple then I take it upstairs to my room. I sit down on my bed with it in my knee. I lift it up slowly towards my mouth. I am just about to take a bite of it when I hear something downstairs. I listen carefully, thinking it’s my parents I stand up and walk over to my door and open it and I shout “Hello! Mom?! Dad?!” No one answers and I can hear someone walking up the stairs. I look in the mirror that is in front of the stairs so I can see down them and I see a couple glowing red eyes. I scream and I shut the door and I lock it with my key.
 
 I sit down on the floor, holding the apple and pressing my back against the door. I don’t know what I saw and don’t want to know either.
 
 I sit there for a while, listening. I can hear how the creature is walking outside my door. I start to get tired but I don’t want to fall asleep. Then I notice something, it’s quiet. I sit on my knees so I can look out through the keyhole but when I look through the keyhole the only thing I can see is a red eye staring back at me. I don’t know what to but slowly sit back down with my back against the door.
 I look at the apple, “so big” I say for myself. I try to reach for a knife on my desk, I manage to get it but I cut my finger on the blade while doing so. I don’t care. All I want to do right now is to cut me a slice and eat. But when the bloody blade hits the apple something strange happens. It dissolves into nothing. I stare at spot where the apple used to be.
 
 The loud bang on my door wake me up. I sit up and I take a look at the clock, it’s midnight. Without even realizing what I have done do I stand up and walk over to my bed and lie down on it. From my bed can I see the door that is slowly opening? Wait! Just now I realize what I have done. I get up and I rush over to the door to close it but it’s too late. I stop and I stand still in front of the open door. The thing that opened the door is standing outside my room and is looking at me, it slowly takes a step then another. Slowly walking towards me, I start to walk backwards but soon I hit my bed and I sit down on it. The thing that I thought was an animal is… is more like a big shadow. I can’t really say what it is. It has two glowing red eyes but that’s all. The air in my room starts to get colder and I feel exhausted but not tired. The shadow is standing in the middle of my room, staring at me. We haven’t moved for almost fifteen minutes now.
 The sound of my parent’s car gets my attention and I look out through the window next to my bed and I can see the car pulling up on the driveway. When I look back at the place where the shadow stood is there nothing there expect some red dust. I quickly get up and take a jar from my shelf, I empty the jar from pencils and I fill it with the dust and I put on the lid.
 I hide the jar under my bed and I lie back down on the bed and fall asleep.
 
Chapter 2: The bus ride
When I wake up, I immediately look under the bed to see if the jar is still there. It is there but there is also a piece of paper on top of the jar. It can’t be my parents who put it there. They would have thought that the dust was some kind of drug and taken the jar. I take it and I unfold the paper. “The hanging tree” was all that stood on it. It didn’t say me much, and I was late for school too, I took the paper and the jar and put it in the bag. I get down the stairs, my parents are sitting in the kitchen eating breakfast. “Bye!” I shout as I open the door and run to the road where the school bus stops. The bus comes a few seconds after I get to the road. I get on it and I look around in the bus.
 There is only one other person on the bus, which is weird. I live furthest away from town of all on the school and I haven’t heard of anyone else live further away than me, so that means that I’m usually the first one to get picked up. Not only that, she also sits on my favourite spot in the bus.
 I usually sit in the middle but today I go to the back of the bus.
 After a while the bus stops again but nobody gets on it. I sigh, this was my best friend Connors stop. He is probably sick today then. I can’t help it but look at the girl that took my seat, she is looking back at me. We stare on each other a few seconds. I feel a little bit embarrassed that she caught me looking at her.
 I look out through the window and I see the next stop. There is my friend Connor and his girlfriend Samantha. They get on the bus and I wave to them, Connor wave back then they sit down a couple of seats in front of me. I look a little confused because there are empty seats next to me… Or there was, I look next to me and I see the girl. She have moved from the middle to the back, I didn’t even notice that she changed. She smiles when I look at her and all I can get out is a quiet “H-Hi…”
 I look back out through the window, I feel cold and exhausted even if it was really hot earlier when I got on the bus. I look back at the girl, she is still staring at me. “Um… Do want something?” I ask because I start to get a little bit creeped out now. She nods, then she takes out a book from her bag and starts reading it. I look away again but soon I feel a tap on my shoulder. I at her. She is holding up the book in front of me and she points to a word in the book. “Voice?” I say confused. At the same moment I finished the word I feel all dizzy and sick. It feels like I’m going to throw up. Then the weirdest thing happens, the girl kisses me! The last minutes of the bus ride feels like nothing and once we are off the bus and are on our way into the school do I finally have time talk to Connor. “Dude, that was awesome. I don’t know what you did but it made her kiss you!” Connor is patting my back and is talking about what happened back on the bus, he had been watching all the time. I wanted to say something but all I could do was to nod. 
Chapter 3: New student
We entered the classroom and I sat down at my usual spot, in the left corner furthest back, next to the windows.  Connor and Samantha where lucky enough to get there spots next to each other but they sat a two rows in front of me. I put on my headphones and my ears got filled by the wonderful tunes of Fall Out Boy. I sat there staring at the door, waiting for Mr. Rock our math teacher and class teacher . According to clock, should we have started for ten minutes ago… After a while did he arrive and he wasn’t alone, with him was the girl from the bus. For some reason did I smile when I saw her. She and Mr. Rock stood in front of the whiteboard. “Today we have a new student here in the class. I hope you treat her all with respect.” Mr. Rock looked at here and nodded. “Hello, I am Ashley.” She didn’t say much more and Mr. Rock told her that there was a few empty seats in the classroom so it was just for here to pick. She walked around for a while before she sat down furthest back, in the right corner.
 After probably the most boring lesson ever was it finally break. I didn’t leave the classroom, instead I stayed and continue to do some math problems. Mr. Rock got up and left the classroom but before he left did he look at me and told asked me if I could take care of the new student. I wanted to say no but once again couldn’t I say a single thing, all I could do was to nod. Mr. Rock smiled and walked away. I sighed and put my books in the bag and walked out. Why couldn’t I say something and why couldn’t I shake my head? All I could do was to nod. I walked around in the halls without even thinking on where I was going and suddenly was I outside and behind the school. I stopped and I looked around. This was not good, somehow did I managed to get into the Sparks area. The sparks are a gang on the school and they don’t like it when no gang members enter their area. I turn around to quickly get out of their before I get in trouble, but as I make a quick turn can I feel someone grabbing my shirt from behind. It felt like my heart stopped and I slowly turn back around, I embraced myself for the beating I would get.
 
Foamy the squirrel.

Offline Cheza

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Re: Need help!
« Reply #1 on: March 28, 2015, 07:44:03 AM »
I read through the text and edited out all the errors I could find (Had a sleepless night last night so it's probably not 100% perfect, but it should be something at least) ^^'
Worth noting is that English isn't my first language either, but I've spoken it since I was 4-5 so I felt confident enough to try xP


I couldn't think of a good way to mark where I found the errors without making the text look really messy to read, so I guess you'll just have to read through and compare them..


(Also, I wouldn't mind helping you again if you need it/want. I have to know how it continues. Dx Evil cliffhanger... >->')


Spoiler for Hidden:
An apple for a soul
Chapter 1: The apple
There is a big apple tree out in our garden. The apples that grow on it are blood red and so big that a grown man can’t get his fingers around them. But I've never tasted any apple from it. Mom and Dad used to say I'm not allowed near the tree because the falling apples could maybe knock me out.
But today mom and dad aren't at home. I am just now standing a few meters from the tree, and it’s bigger than I imagined. The apples look very delicious from here and I can’t wait to eat one.
I take a few steps closer , when I suddenly hear a loud “crack” above my head. I look up and see the biggest apple I've ever seen, falling from the top of the tree.
Luckily for me, it lands on the ground without getting damaged and rolls to my feet. I stare at it for a while before picking it up and running inside with it.
 
 I put the apple on the dinner table and stare at it again. I don’t really know what to do with it, I've never seen such a beautiful apple before.
I decide to clean it with some water first to get all the dirt off it. While I clean it, I suddenly get this feeling that something or someone is watching me. I look out through the window, but it’s too dark to see anything.
I finish cleaning off the apple and take it upstairs to my room. I sit down on my bed with it in my lap. Then I slowly lift it up towards my mouth. I am just about to take a bite of it when I hear something downstairs. I listen carefully, and thinking it’s my parents I stand up, walk over to my door, open it and shout “Hello! Mom?! Dad?!”
No one answers, but  I can hear someone walking up the stairs. When looking down the stairs in the mirror in front of it, I can see a couple glowing red eyes. Screaming, I shut the door to my room and lock it.
 
 Then I sit down on the floor, holding the apple and pressing my back against the door. I don’t know what I saw, and I don’t want to know either.
 I sit there for a while, listening.
I can hear how the creature is walking outside my door. I start to get tired, but I don’t want to fall asleep. Then I notice something, it’s quiet again. I get onto my knees so that I can look out through the keyhole, but when I do, the only thing I can see is a red eye staring back at me. I don’t know what else I can do but to but slowly sit back down with my back against the door.
 I look at the apple. “So big”, I say to myself. I try to reach for the knife on my desk. I manage to get it, but I cut my finger on the blade. I don’t care. All I want to do right now is to cut a slice of the apple and eat it. But when the bloody blade hits the apple, something strange happens. The fruit dissolves into nothing. I stare at spot where the apple used to be.
 
 A sudden loud bang on my door wake me up.
I sit up and take a look at the clock, it’s midnight. Without even realizing what I'm doing, I get up, walk over to my bed and lie down on it. From my bed, can I see that the door is slowly opening? Wait! I now realize what I have done. I get up again and rush over to the door to close it, but it’s too late. I stop and stand still in front of the open door.
The thing that opened the door is standing outside my room and it's looking at me. Slowly, it starts walking towards me, and I start to back away, but soon I hit my bed and sit down on it. The thing, that I thought was an animal is… is more like a big shadow. I can’t really say what it is. It has two glowing red eyes, but that’s all. The air in my room starts to get colder, and I feel exhausted, but not tired. The shadow is standing in the middle of my room and stares at me. We haven’t moved for almost fifteen minutes now.
 The sound of my parent’s car gets my attention and, I look out through the window next to my bed and can see their car pulling up on the driveway.
When I look back at the place where the shadow stood, there's nothing there except for some red dust. I quickly get up and take a jar from my shelf, removes all the contents, and fill it with the dust before putting the lid back on.
 I hide the jar under my bed and lie back down on the bed to fall asleep.
 
Chapter 2: The bus ride
When I wake up, the first thing I do is looking under the bed to see if the jar is still there. It is, but now there's also a piece of paper on top of it.
It can’t have been my parents who put it there. They would probably have thought that the dust was some kind of drug, and taken the jar away.
I take it and unfold the paper. “The hanging tree” was all that stood on it. Didn’t say much to me.
I was getting late for school too. I took the paper and the jar and put them in my bag.
I get down the stairs and into the kitchen where my parents are sitting eating breakfast. “Bye!” I shout at them, as I open the door and run to the road where the school bus stops. The bus arrives a few seconds after I get to there. I get on it and look around.
 There is someone else on the bus, which is weird. I live farthest away from town of all at school, and I haven’t heard of anyone else who lives farther away than me, so that means that I’m usually the first one to be picked up. Not only that, she's also sitting on my favourite spot.
 I usually sit in the middle, but today I went to the back of the bus.
 After a while the bus stops again, but nobody gets on. I sigh, as this was my best friend Connors stop. He is probably sick today, then. I can’t help but looking at the girl that took my seat. She's looking back at me. We stare at each other for a few seconds. I feel a little bit embarrassed that she caught me looking at her.
 I look out through the window and see the next stop. My friend Connor and his girlfriend Samantha are there. They get on the bus and I wave at them, Connor waves back, then they sit down a couple of rows in front of me.
I look a little confused, since there are empty seats next to me… Or there were. I look next to me and see the girl. She has moved from the middle to the back, and I didn’t even notice. She smiles when I look at her, and all I can get out is a quiet “H-Hi…”
 I look back out through the window, and start feeling cold and exhausted, even tho it was really hot earlier when I got on the bus.
I look back at the girl, she is still staring at me. “Um… Do want something?” I ask, because I start to get a little bit creeped out now. She nods, and takes out a book from her bag and starts reading. I look away again, but soon I feel a tap on my shoulder. I look at her. She's holding the book in front of me and points at a word in the book. “Voice?” I say confused. At the same moment I finish the word, I feel all dizzy and sick. I feel like I’m about to throw up. Then the weirdest thing happens. The girl kisses me! The last minutes of the bus ride feels like nothing, and once we are off the bus and on our way inside do I finally have time to talk to Connor. “Dude, that was awesome. I don’t know what you did, but it made her kiss you!” Connor is pats my back and talks about what happened back on the bus, he had been watching all the time. I wanted to say something but all I could do was nod.
Chapter 3: A New student
We entered the classroom, and I sat down at my usual spot in the left corner farthest back, next to the windows.  Connor and Samantha were lucky enough to get their spots next to each other, but they sat two rows in front of me. I put on my headphones and my ears got filled with the wonderful tunes of Fall Out Boy.
I sat there staring at the door, waiting for Mr. Rock, our math and class teacher . According to the clock, we should have started ten minutes ago… After a while he arrived, and he wasn’t alone.
With him was the girl from the bus. For some reason I smiled when I saw her. She and Mr. Rock stood in front of the whiteboard. “Today we have a new student starting here in the class. I hope you all will treat her with respect.” Mr. Rock said while looking at her and nodding. “Hello, I am Ashley.”, the girl said. She didn’t say much more, and Mr. Rock told her to go pick a seat. She walked around for a while before she sat down furthest back in the right corner.
 After probably the most boring lesson ever it was finally a break.
I didn’t leave the classroom, instead I stayed and continue to do some math problems. Mr. Rock got up and left the classroom, but before he did he looked at me, and asked me if I could take care of the new student.
I wanted to say no, but once again couldn’t I say a single thing, all I could do was nod.
Mr. Rock smiled and walked away. I sighed, and put my books in my bag before walking out. Why couldn’t I say anything or shake my head? All I could do was nod.
I walked around in the halls without even thinking on where I was going, and suddenly I was outside and behind the school.
I stopped and I looked around. This was not good, somehow I had managed to get into the Sparks area. The sparks are a gang at the school, and they don’t like it when non-members enter their area. I turn around to quickly get out of there before I'd get into trouble, but as I made a quick turn I could feel someone grab my shirt from behind. It felt like my heart stopped, and I slowly turned back around, and braced myself for the beating I was about to get.

Offline AndrewZeCat

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Re: Need help!
« Reply #2 on: March 28, 2015, 10:33:46 AM »
Thanks for the help Cheza!
I will post the new bits of the text later when I have written them. And I will probably need more help so I am very thankful that you want to help me more with it. Who knows there will maybe be even a character named after you or that you can name.
Foamy the squirrel.

 

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