Hello, I just want to warn you this is going to be very long, but I'm struggling and really need some help and advice. First some background
I am an 18 year old Male, I come from a VERY religious family and was in a bubble from most of the world, "brainwashed" so to speak. My parents got a divorce when I was 11 or so, and my father has made it clear, and told me many times he doesn't love me, or like me. My mother is nice, but she is very judgmental, and again, let me reinforce VERY CHRISTIAN!
When I was 12 I found the furry fandom through some... Let's say art ;3 Probably art I shouldn't have been looking at at that age... And I kept that a secret for years. I began to really like the fandom too, as I always connected more with animals then people anyways.
I have Aspergers, thought I should say this before I get any farther, I don't really know much about social situations, nor am I good with them. I have depression, though I hide it as I NEVER talk about feelings, not really understanding them to well. I've told no one I'm depressed in real life, and prefer to keep it that way.
I was homeschooled for pretty much all of my life, since third grade all the way until now, which I just graduated. I've had 2 friends in my entire life, though one I moved away from during the divorce.
I hate people, people stress me out, I can never understand people or feel comfortable around them. I had dogs growing up though and I felt so much better around them, not even depressed around them, actually happy, just petting them or being with them. Unfortunately, I didn't get to keep my dog when we moved from the divorce, and since then I've just gotten more and more sad.
I don't talk about feelings, nothing at all, I hate discussing that I have aspergers, and that I'm scared of thunder and loud noises, sometimes to the point of tears, I hate talking about anything about me personally. In social situations I'll isolate myself, not talking to anyone (which I'll talk about later) and I somewhat hate myself, not suicidal but wishing I were different.
Fastforward many long years filled with depression and anger until I was 17. By then, I don't know what happened to me, but I have become numb, completely numb from emotions, even the ones I understood with my lack of understand from aspergers about that stuff, I don't feel anymore. Nothing can make me happy, sad, angry. Nothing
I just literally go through every day like a zombie, I play video games to try to zone out, and it helps. I sleep until noon and just don't care.
My mother is oblivious, she refuses to help me with my aspergers, saying that it's not really an issue, and the lord will help... I'm personally scared of my mother, since even though I don't know what love feels like personally, I've never felt loved, I feel the closest to her, even though she annoys me so much with her preaching at me. I personally don't know if there is a God or not, but I'd never say that to her.
When I was 17 I found a website called F-list, which is a NSFW website, (Not sure of all the rules on this forum, just a warning) And even though I was not suppose to make an account until I was 18, I did, and I would RP most nights for more then a year.
I turned 18 this year in 2015, and nothing has really changed until I met someone. A little more back story and then I'll continue.
My mother is VERY against gays, trans, ext... Saying how they are evil and disgusting. And I even believed what she said, in fact only last year I began disagreeing with her, though never speaking out about it. I was always sure I was Straight, because it was evil otherwise.
Okay, here's what I need help with, you're pretty much all caught up.
In 2015 in around February or March, I roleplayed with someone on F-list. She was a Cheetah, and I really enjoyed the RP. We played a few more times and then began to chat. I asked questions and they asked questions. And I began to like them, we shared so many interests. But I was scared to ask their gender, because at that point, I KNEW in my head.... or my mother was still whispering in my head, that I was straight. They told me they were Male, and I got upset. We had been chatting about IRL things for a few days, and I really started to like them, but I thought it must be over, I don't like guys...
I kept talking to them though, found out they were gay, but more then that we played games, super smash bros, pokemon... I kept logging on to F-list to talk with them and they asked if I had a skype, it would be easier.
Up to this point, I have had two distinct and separate worlds, the world my mom knows about, and everything else. Without thinking I gave them my skype, for 6 years I've had 2 separate worlds so to speak and this was the beginning of a merge.
We kept talking on there for about a month and a half, playing games and such, and I realized how much in common we had, and began to really like it. And then we began to talk more about personal things, things I'm not going to share on here, and things I've never thought I'd ever be able to say to anyone. Not only did they listen, they accepted, he was so nice and for the first time in my life, I was not lying. I would always lie, and I got really good, I lie to my friend, my family... myself... But I had told everything to this person about me, and I learned about them too.
One day they asked if I wanted to chat on skype... and I got scared. Text is something I'm good with, aspergers wise. I can deal with text and say what I mean, but I have a hard time with talking, and get panicked. I told them this, as they knew I had aspergers, and they told me I could just listen and watch them play this game Dark Souls 2. I watched for about 3 hours, they talked to me and explained everything about how to play and such... I said probably 12 or so words during that time, and eventually was having a panic attack and told them in text I was going to have to go, not able to say it. They told me it was fine and they understand and to have a good sleep...
This was the first time I had ever been treated so nicely. I was actually feeling happy...
A few months later, and about a month ago now, we continued to text chat on skype, talking some more sometimes and such. I have gotten to a point where I can talk to them in conversations over skype without feeling worried. He and I continued talking, and I was getting scared... I was beginning to really, really like them...
I told him about it and he said he liked me too, I was getting scared, and now I am thinking I might be bi curious at this point. We talked more on skype and I asked if I might be able to visit them at some point... He lives across the country, 6 hours away by plane.
We talked about possibly me going down there over new years, and I asked him straight out if he would want to... do anything else...
I am 18 as of this year, and he is 26, I also told him I'm a virgin and we discussed all of that stuff. He told me that if I was wanting to, we could do that... and if I wasn't ready, we could just hang out and play video games. He said I don't need to worry, and I can decide even last minute if I'm ready or not ready to do any of that stuff. He also told me he would teach me about stuff if I wanted, and show me how some things... felt. I was getting happy and worried, I really like him, but I keep hearing my mother in my head, about how it's evil and stuff.
I still live with my mother, but like I have said earlier, one thing I'm good at is lying, and I'm very believable. I spun this tale over the course of a few weeks about meeting this friend, who I had actually made online and is different from the one I met on f-list, one day and since they're going off to college this might be my last chance. I told her that over new years is really the only chance I'll have and I, after much convincing got her to agree if I pay the plane ticket.
I was getting excited, I could go down there and spend new years with my furry friend. But now I'm getting stressed. I'm still so confused about myself, I find girls attractive, and I've always been told this stuff is evil. I know it isn't but I'm scared. I really like this guy, but I feel like I shouldn't, like it's bad of me to do this. And if my mother ever found out, she would kick me out and disown me.
I'm getting really really stressed and confused, I'm panicking and I just don't know. I keep hearing in my head I can't like them because they're a guy and that's evil, my mother is practically screaming in my ears.
I really need some help and advice, I'm SOO sorry at how long this is, but I'm just needing help. Please offer some advice or anything, also I don't need the advice about not meeting up because they are strangers on the internet, I know them, and have talked with them with video on skype for months now, I know of the dangers, and that our age gap is large, but that stuff doesn't worry me at all. He is really nice and caring, and I trust him.
Again, sorry for the length, and if this is needed to be in a different forum then general, can a mod please move it? I didn't know of another place to put it, thanks.
Topic: I need help, I'm scared and confused and battling with myself. (Read 912 times)