I could do with some feedback... if anyone would be so kind?

[Animal I've Become]

         right, here's some background-
 I had to do an opening for a romance story for english at school. I think i've done, but i'm not entirely sure if its good enough. Could someone, anyone, please read it and tell me if its good enough to get an A/A* ? :sniffle: I'd be happy to receive any, and all comments (even if you think its a flaming bag o' poop). Oh, and could someone please tell me if "Graffitied" is even a word? [Male Character: Takami. Female Character: Sapphire}


The sun was setting over Lime Street Station, and commuters were rushing in every direction, heads bowed.
                      Staring at her from only a few inches away, Takami realized that he could not tear his eyes from hers. They certainly lived up to her name. Those deep blue eyes… there was only one word which could describe them. Sapphire. A beautiful name for an infinitely more beautiful woman.
   
   Snapping out of his trance, he heard her voice,
   ÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â€šÂ¬Ã…“Takami? Takami? Are you in there?”
   ÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â€šÂ¬Ã…“Oh, yes, sorry,” He replied, his eyes now focusing back on the rest of her. Her cherry lips, her chestnut tinted hair.
   ÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â€šÂ¬Ã…“Thank God, I thought we’d lost you there for a minute,” she said, laughing mockingly. He could almost feel his heart shattering. She’d laughed at him… did she maybe not have the same feelings for him as he had for her? He fell to the floor, despondent; Sapphire crouched down beside him.
   ÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â€šÂ¬Ã…“There’s something wrong isn’t there?” She said, clearly worried.
   ÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â€šÂ¬Ã…“No, no, nothing… I’m just a little dizzy,” he replied; he could feel the redness of a blush rushing towards his cheeks.
   ÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â€šÂ¬Ã…“Sorry, but I’m not sure I believe you. Let’s go somewhere a bit quieter,” she said as one of the careless commuters, not looking where he was going, kicked her in the shin.

   It felt like forever to Takami, walking that small distance to the Starbucks, Sapphire holding his arm to steady him. They collected their drinks, and sat down at a corner table.
   ÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â€šÂ¬Ã…“Now,” Sapphire said, looking at Takami concernedly, “What’s wrong? And I want the truth this time.” Shifting uncomfortably in the broken, graffitied plastic seat, Takami replied,
   ÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â€šÂ¬Ã…“Well, I’m not sure I should tell you…”
   ÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â€šÂ¬Ã…“Why not?” She enquired. “We’ve known each other for years, almost since we were born.”
   ÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â€šÂ¬Ã…“I know, that’s why I don’t know whether to tell you.”
She looked back at him, realization dawning. Maybe he loved her too!




                    (in case you're wondering why it's set at lime street station, its cos' the teacher told us to)

[Dr. Strange]

i like it. and the main character has my name. SAphir. {pronounced SAH--fear}Keep writing.

[Animal I've Become]

why thank you,  Saphir. i don't know if i will write any more anytime soon, but I might do.  :sleepytime: later...

[Animal I've Become]

forget about later, now will do just fine. hope you like it!

Chapter 2, or someting like that...

Sapphire could feel her cheeks reddening. She hid her face behind the coffee mug, hoping Takami hadn’t seen her blush. She was in luck. He was staring intently, lost in thought, at his cappuccino, watching the last of the froth melt away. Sapphire took that opportunity to look a little closer at that face she knew so well. No one knew why, but Takami was born with grey hair. He took great pride in the fact that he was different, and had grown his hair and spiked it back. He certainly stood out in a crowd. Sapphire noticed that he hadn’t bothered to spike it as much as he normally would. Something really was bothering him. She looked into his eyes, and saw a single glistening speck. As she watched, it grew, and dropped into the cappuccino. Is he crying?! She thought she had seen a single teardrop grow and fall softly from his jade green eyes. Takami looked up at her, and she realized that his eyes were bloodshot. The expression on his face was that of pure worry.
   ÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â€šÂ¬Ã…“Sapphire,” he said, another tear falling from his eye, “I can’t take this anymore. I have to know. Do you feel the same way about me as I do about you?”
   ÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â€šÂ¬Ã…“T-Takami…” she stuttered, her cheeks turning scarlet once more “That depends… H-How do you feel about me?”
   ÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â€šÂ¬Ã…“I-I love you Sapphire…” he replied, breaking down into tears. Sapphire stared, speechless, at the six foot man who’d seemed so reliable, so strong, sob like a little child. She was amazed that he had said it, but glad. It would have been too hard for her to say it first. But now she could.
   ÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â€šÂ¬Ã…“I love you too Takami!” She cried, throwing her arms around him, embracing him with all of her strength, never wanting to let go.

[Dr. Strange]

its bea-u ti- ful. whatcha been up to.??

[Animal I've Become]

not much except this... i'm gonna go to bed soon anyhoo, so i'll get back to writing this tomorrow :sleepytime: night night.  

[Dr. Strange]

night
*tickles with random feather*
HA! i found your weak spot!!

[Animal I've Become]

nya! Not Again!  =3 ~Falls on floor in fit of uncontrollable laughter~

[Vosur Aekira]

Use "placed graffiti" instead of "graffitied"... but so far so good in my own eyes. I'm not exactly the best one you need to contact for things like this though...

[Animal I've Become]

thanks anyway, any feedback is good feedback.

[Vosur Aekira]

Continue it on and you may have something.

[Dr. Strange]

Continue it on and you may have something.

i agree with vosur. continue, please?
{yes, i know my spelling is horrid. bear with me. i promise i'll get beter}

[Animal I've Become]

I don't really have time to finish it right now, but maybe tomorrow, or the day after. Until then...
watch this space

[Dr. Strange]

*watches in stupid fascination, still tickling*
bored...

[Animal I've Become]

lol, you can stop watching, for now at least. i have way too much actual work to do to finish this anytime soon, but keep checking back. i'll post the next part as soon as i get the chance to write it. Trouble is, that may be next week. i'll finish the rest ASAP.

okay, you can go back to watching this space again now...

=3 Watch Me!!!  =3