You know when you get put down so much, you start to feel more and more sad? And soon, when even the littlest of things frustrates you, annoys you or makes you upset, that sadness builds up inside of you and drains the rest of your emotions away? Well, this might be the part where someone starting off with that would say that that's what they're going through, but honestly, I don't really know what that's like. What I do know is, for me, instead of getting depressed, I just get angrier and angrier. I get so angry that I'll shove my laptop back against the desk, get up, and start storming around the room, shoving things around or throwing pillows against the wall. When I'm really angry, I'll start punching my bed, pillows, or start throwing things at the floor or the wall. The anger boils up inside of me so much that I feel as if my body is engulfed in fire. I feel like I'm getting burns all of over body. I feel hot, overloaded on energy and if I don't exert that energy, I will explode. I need to hit things, throw things - get even more angry. When I lose control, when I cannot exert my anger-energy, I get an adrenaline rush. And having an adrenaline feels nice, but also terrible. You need to release those endorphins, but at the same time, you like the rush, because it's like a natural high. You feel on top of the world, as if you could jump off of a bridge and live to tell the tale.
Some people take advantage of my passive/chill personality, and in doing that, they are unaware it starts to fill up my anger bottle. I'm not really good at being assertive unless I feel like I'm in danger, but I'm getting better. With a friend, being assertive does not work. This is why I'm either passive or aggressive, and my aggressive side is rarely, rarely seen online. I just can't bring myself to even type when in one of those phases. And when my anger starts to die down, and when I'm done being angry, I just get tired, and then I want to sleep it off. I look at the damage I've done to my room or my possessions and I build up resentment, and I hold it over either myself, others, or certain situations, even though I will have no problem with them later on.
After my anger high I become depressed. I realize my anger does me no good and I feel unmotivated and self-conscious. I feel like I'm always looped inside the anger and depression stages of grief and I can't just accept that my life is what I make of it. Constant bullying from my stepmom and my peers doesn't help this either, and my 'friends' will just shrug me off and say 'go see someone then'.
I became angry while typing this. I know this will do me no good and I'll just get sympathy, which does me no good either. I don't know what I expect from myself or anyone when I post these types of things. I want support but like the selfish bitch I am I just keep complaining when it's offered. A few nice people have PMed me and I greatly appreciate that but I don't want to waste their time when talking to them doesn't make me feel better for more than a few hours.
Topic: Anger, then depression. (Read 1041 times)