The Furry Forums would like to place cookies on your computer to help us make this website better. To find out more about the cookies, see our privacy notice.
To accept the cookie click here, or please login or register.

Author Topic: Under Il'Shan  (Read 1799 times)

0 Members and 0 Guests are viewing this topic.

Offline Pegu

  • Yellow Yak
  • **********
  • awards This user has been a forum member for over 8 years Top 50 Poster
  • Posts: 3568
  • Gender: Male
  • Purloining Pegu
    • Steam
    • Awards
  • Species: Ori / Guardian Spirit
  • Coloring: White fur, light purple eyes.
  • Height: 107cm at the top of my head! Ears add a bit more =p
  • Build: Lithe
  • Currently: Curious
Under Il'Shan
« on: March 29, 2016, 08:13:47 PM »
Hi, this is going to be the home of a small-ish story I'm writing. I'll put it up in parts as I finish each section. I hope you like it, and let me know what you think.  ^_^


___________________________________________________________________________________________________ _________




Part 1 – A Crack in the Mist
A deep blue haze, ever present and hanging over the canopy, blocking out the sun and yet creating it's own soft light for the forest floor. Two white furred creatures walking together at a brisk pace, their large ears standing upright and always scanning around them for the slightest abnormal noise.
“This had better be good Aglaeca, I'm meeting with the other elders soon” one speaks to the other, they continue on some distance. Passing a calm waterfall, Aglaeca looks back with his emerald green eyes, “Trust me, Elder N'Rtara – You and the other elders will want to know of this...” before pointing to a break in the haze, with a blackened mist slowly seeping through the crack.

 
N'Rtara approaches the darkened ground cautiously, minding where she places her paws, and rubbing one down her mouth and whiskers, knowing the blight she sees before her. “Thank you Aglaeca for showing me this, but you had best stay away from this part of the barrier. I will -” She is cut off by the darkness growing, taking shape, before it takes the distinctive shape of a feral wolf, snarling fiercely with hostility in it's tainted eyes. N'Rtara's golden eyes soften and her ears lull slightly, “Il'Shan's mercy” she prays, fear present in her voice, the shadowed wolf slowly beginning to circle the duo.

 
The two white furred spirits staying close to one another, both fearing the shadow, but N'Rtara hastily composes herself in front of the younger spirit. “I am N'Rtara, elder spirit of Althar village, and daughter of Il'Shan. Tell me what you have come for, Shade!” intensely projecting her authority. The shadowed wolf responds only with low growl and vicious barks. The wolf then charges the now defiant N'Rtara. Her golden eyes lighten and shimmer for a moment, drawing upon arcane energy for a brief moment, lifting her hand above her ears, bringing forth a lance of energy and light, matching the hue of her eyes. “Begone, Shadow!” N'Rtara yells, before hurling the magic lance with deadly intent, striking the shadowed creature below the neck. It lets out an agonized howl before shattering into a cloud of slowly dissipating black smoke.

 
N'Rtara lets out a sigh of relief before turning to Aglaeca, who had ducked in fear, his ears flopped down past his cheeks, his hands holding his antlers gently pulling himself into a ball. “It has passed, young one.” N'Rtara reassures the younger spirit. Aglaeca opens his deep green eyes and looks up at  N'Rtara and then looking around. “We had best leave, before another forms.” she starts “And as I was saying before, you had best not return here for now. I will address this with the other elders. Come” she passes before turning and heading back the way they both came.

 

 
Aglaeca takes a closer look at the dispersing cloud of blackened dust, running a hand through it in wonderment, before turning and following N'Rtara. “I understand, elder.” are the only words that come to him, shaken after witnessing the shade wolf. Following the elder closely, he looks down at the hand he passed through the remains, before shaking his head to himself a little and carrying on.

 

 
They travel back towards home in silence, until the town is in sight, whereupon Algaeca asks “Elder, what was that creature, exactly? You said... Shadow?” this question causes N'Rtara to stop and turn, bearing a serious expression before she replies “I can understand your curiosity...” she begins, before her tone deepens, “But I must insist, for your safety and others, that you not pursue this curiosity further. Is that understood?” Aglaeca is taken back for a moment, but responds with a quick “Yes, Elder.”

 
N'Rtara turns and resumes the walk towards the light and lively streets of Althar, “Good! All you need know is that this will be dealt with appropriately by the Elder council, so do not worry yourself, youngling.”  The two continue onwards, towards the town nestled within the roots of the Great Tree.
  • Avatar by: Warden006
"Shine once more - Before the end."

Offline HellEye

  • The Elementalist
  • Zoomorphic Zebra
  • **********
  • awards Assigned to someone who is observed to be very friendly toward other members (frequently welcoming people in the Intro board, answering questions, etc.) This user has been a forum member for over 8 years Obtainable by request This user has donated to the forum more than once.
  • Posts: 7249
  • Gender: Male
  • Fox go boop
    • Awards
  • Species: Red fox
  • Coloring: Red and white, normal red fox coloring
  • Height: 5'8" Anthro / 1'4" Feral
  • Weight: 150lbs Anthro / 20lbs Feral
  • Build: Average, fluffy
  • Currently: *Happy fox*
Re: Under Il'Shan
« Reply #1 on: March 29, 2016, 08:29:52 PM »
Amazing. Great atmosphere, the plot seems very good. I feel I know what's going to happen. will see if I'm right later. Can't wait for more!
Everyone seems to have it, so here's mine


Offline Proto Triose

  • Quizzical Quail
  • *********
  • awards This user has been a forum member for over 8 years Top 100 Poster This user has donated to the forum.
  • Posts: 1933
  • Gender: Gender Fluid
    • Awards
Re: Under Il'Shan
« Reply #2 on: March 29, 2016, 10:31:00 PM »
I'm so happy you continued the story. I wanted to read what happened leading up to the short bit we had in the creative writing post, and I'm no disappointed at all. The opening with the shade is beautifully done - I feel like it makes the warm, calm town that much more inviting, and opens questions about what's going on. You didn't fall into the bad habit of "he said" dialogue tags, either, which is phenomenal. Including an action, or a tone of voice, before telling the reader who's talking mixes it up so its not he said, she said, said aglaeca, etc. Artfully done!

I already stated I will never critique an author's style, and I absolutely don't need to. Your voice is very strong, and I love it. There are a couple spots - "his hands holding his antlers pulling himself into a ball" - that might benefit from breaking up the last part. Something like "his hands holding his antlers. He'd pulled himself into a little ball." Not exactly those words, but along those lines. I only think so because I had to pause and re-read it once to make sure I understood.

The only other thing I noticed while reading is to make sure when you have a new person talking, you make it a new paragraph. I know it looks tacky when what they say is really short (I suffer it in my writing all the time, since some of my characters' interactions are very short quips) but it lets the reader know that it's a different character talking more easily. :)

Before I come talk to you in the den, I wanted to add - I adore your ability to make it present tense. In a fantasy setting it's normally off-putting to me personally, but it didn't feel awkward or forced at all reading your work. It was very natural. I was quite impressed. Can't wait for the next part! I see why you were/are afraid of wolves, but I won't hurt you! :3
  • Signature art by: Lucky978 on Deviantart.com
Sorry for the absence; I had to get my life and my mind together. I missed you all.

Offline Pegu

  • Yellow Yak
  • **********
  • awards This user has been a forum member for over 8 years Top 50 Poster
  • Posts: 3568
  • Gender: Male
  • Purloining Pegu
    • Steam
    • Awards
  • Species: Ori / Guardian Spirit
  • Coloring: White fur, light purple eyes.
  • Height: 107cm at the top of my head! Ears add a bit more =p
  • Build: Lithe
  • Currently: Curious
Re: Under Il'Shan
« Reply #3 on: March 29, 2016, 10:37:20 PM »
*Squees* This is just the first small part, my character isn't here yet, but he's going to be  ^_^
But thank you, you two.  :3


-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Alright, part 2. Sorry it took so long!
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


Part 2 – Althar in Peace

 
A small white furred hand traces it's way along a wall, feeling the ripples in the wood, a purple eyed Tree Spirit staring intently at every bump and nodule as it moves along.

 
“Kirion?” a soft male voice beckons from outside “Kirion? Are you even awake?” the questions causing Kirion to let out a gentle sigh.

 
“Yes, I'm awake. I'll be out in a moment” returns Kirion, taking his hand from the wall and quickly patting himself down to make sure his fur is smoothed.  Finally satisfied he pads to the entrance of his little hollow in the roots of the Great Tree and smiles as he sees the familiar face of his friend, giving him a warm “Morning, Aeron!”

 
“About time you got up, Kiri!” he chirps with a hint of affection, his bright green eyes shimmering as he gives a small playful chuckle. “The Elders are calling any and all to the centre of town.” stated Aeron as he begins walking alongside Kirion towards town, he then adds “Looks like Elder Felaran has finally made his decision on a successor for his role.”

 
The pair walk on a fair distance with nothing but the sounds of the forest and the light twinkle of the veil high overhead before Aeron breaks the silence again, by querying “So who do you think Felaran will name?”

 
“I don't know.” Kirion swiftly replied.

 
“Then why not take a guess?” a happy Aeron pushed, causing Kirion to sigh softly, never able to resist answering Aeron.

 
“Well, Elder Ornia would be a good choice, or maybe Elder Rasal” He starts, “Below Felaran, they have the most experience.”

 
Aeron lets out another small snicker before responding, “What, not going to include  He'Taash in there? If experience is what you're basing your guesses off of, shouldn't he be...”

 
“Why would I cast my vote on Felaran picking that old grouch?” Kirion snaps back, before letting out a small giggle of his own.

 
The pair finally arrive at a dirt pathway that twists it's way into Althar, on either side of the start of this path stands a fellow Tree Spirit, standing to attention, wearing intricately carved winged Elderwood helms, a rich brown in colour. They give a nod to the pair of young tree spirits, nobody speaks, but Aeron's eyes shimmer slightly at the sight of the helms on their heads before the duo move on.

 
“What about N'Rtara?” Aeron inquires with a true hint of curiosity in his voice.

 
“N'Rtara? She's still young, even for an elder, you know that. Everyone does.”

 
The calm of the forest slowly fading the further they follow the path, passing carved home and small floating spheres of soft blue light. The sounds of wind rustling the grass and branches leaves slowly being replaced with the distinct sound of chatter. A lot of it. It finally comes in view, several hundred Spirits, all gathered for the announcement, their fur making it look like a soft white ocean, dotted with an array of bright colours in all of their eyes.

 
“Looks like we made it on time, sleepy!” Aeron quipped over his shoulder as he walked slightly ahead of Kirion to get a good view of the stone podium and stage the elders frequently use when addressing the residents of Althar.

 
The duo wormed their way through the crowd to find some space to catch a good view. The elders were in sight and making their way towards the gathering already, so Kirion hastened to keep up with Aeron, before suddenly bumping into someone, knocking them down.

 
“Ah! Hey, be careful!” exclaimed a bewildered Aglaeca.

 
“Oh, sorry!” is Kirion's quick response, offering a hand to help the stranger back up, which Aglaeca accepts, pulling himself back up.

 
“You just... be more careful, alright?”

 
Kirion continues through the crowd with a “I will!” over his shoulder, still set on keeping up with Aeron. He finally catches up to him in a small space nearer the makeshift stage, and the two look on as the village elders slowly finish taking their places on it.

 
“Woah, look Kirion! Elder Felaran has brought his Whitewood staff!” Aeron whispers whilst nudging Kirion to direct his attention, “If he's got that, then he must have made a choice, you know the...”

 
“My fellow Treeborn! Settle down!” cries an authoritative Elder Ornia, and when the crowd had given her it's full attention, she continued “We are gathered here today for our passing of the torch and title of Keeper of the Veil!” the crowd lets out a small cheer before quieting again at one of Ornia's hand signalling for silence once more. “For many years our Elder Felaran has served as the Keeper, but now he has finally decided to pass the responsibility on to one of his fellow Elders. We all trust in whatever choice he makes!”

 
Silence remains as Elder Ornia takes a step back, quickly scratching one of her ears behind her antlers and looking to Elder Felaran who is slowly stepping forward. He was old, even for a species that in the old stories could live for so long. His ears were largely tufted, his horns slightly gnarled and his whiskers long and reminiscent of the whiskers of the serpentine like dragons that had not been seen in the forest for centuries, not even before the veil was raised. His silver eyes looked ever in thought no matter what he was doing. He steps forward with his carved Whitewood staff in his hand, made of a fallen branch of the Great Tree long ago and taps it on the stage a few times, causing the crowd to fall into dead silence out of respect.

 
“Thank you, Ornia” his soft voice starts “Yes, I feel it is time for me to pass this responsibility on to one younger, more able than myself to maintain the Veil.” some small whispers are heard amongst the crowd as he speaks, “The responsibility has been tiring me in recent years, so it is time...” he begins walking past his fellow Elders, who are all standing in a line watching his movements. “I will continue to serve as an Elder however, so that I may continue in helping to guide my beloved fellow Treeborn.

 
Some more quiet chatter and whispers can be heard in the crowd all around Kirion and Aeron. This is it, he's going to pass his Whitewood staff on to one of the Elders on stage with him, and name them the new Keeper of the Veil. One who tends to the magic barrier swirling around and overhead the large chunk of forest and encapsulating all of the Treeborn. Sparing them from whatever lies beyond. All of the Elders were supposedly good choices, each and every one of them powerful in the way of magic, and highly knowledgeable.
The crowd watches intently, still swapping whispers as Felaran walks down the line slowly, stopping at each Elder and whispering something in each of their ears and every time he did, the Elder in question would soften their expression and nod their head in agreement with something. Elder He'Taash visibly questioned Felaran at first, but then with Felaran's hand on his shoulder, Elder He'Taash gave a resolute nod. It continued until Felaran reached N'Rtara.

 
N'Rtara was young for the position of village Elder, but she held her role and performed it as best she could. Always learning from the other Elders who were at least twice her age if not more. In this situation though, she looked as nervous as a fledgling spirit. Her golden eyes blinking often, and desperately looking around finding something to focus on to calm herself.

 
“N'Rtara?” a quizzical Felaran looking directly at her asks, before putting a hand on her shoulder and speaking softly, “You will be fine, but I am sorry. I have chosen you.” He gives her a small playful smile as her mouth drops a bit, preparing to protest, but Felaran stops her with a finger gently on her nose “You're about to argue you're too young, you're too inexperienced.” he tells her, to which she can only nod in agreement, which causes Felaran to continue, “But you are wrong, N'Rtara. I was near your age when I took up this responsibility, so please trust me when I say that you will do fine” he finishes and takes her by the hand to the head of the stage. She looks back at the other Elders still carrying her look of worry, only receive affirming nods from them, and a small hand signal from Elder Rasal to face the crowd.

 
“And this, is my choice, my fellow Treeborn.” announces Felaran.

 
Aeron nudges Kirion and whispers “I knew it!” before Felaran continues his speech.

 
“N'Rtara is young, yes, but age and knowledge isn't what defines an Elder, and it cannot be what defines the Keeper of the Veil. It is what is unknown and how you handle it that defines you.” with that Felaran passes his Whitewood staff in front of N'Rtara, the intricate carvings along its lengths lighting a soft blue, with the a runic symbol for 'Light' etched around the top several times exuding a soft arcane haze. She puts one hand on the staff and nods. With that, Felaran lets it go and starts applauding for N'Rtara with claps. The Elders join Felaran in doing so, and then suddenly the crowd of spirits let out cheers for her.

 
She can do naught but smile weakly, her own concerns still present, but slowly washing away in the moment.

 
Kirion, Aeron along with the large gathering of Spirits all clapping their hands, Kirion leans to Aeron to reply with, “Well I've been wrong before!”

 
Felaran lets the crowd cheer for the new Keeper of the Veil for a while, before raising both of his hands and slowly lowering them the call of quiet again, before resuming his speech, “I am certain that N'Rtara will perform her new charge to the best of her abilities and beyond. I thank all who came here to witness this, but there are some matters that the new Keeper must tend to.” He finishes and turns to lead Veil Keeper N'Rtara and the other gathered Elders towards a hollow in one of the many roots of the Great Tree.

 
The crowd slowly begins to disperse and the air fills with the happy chatter of the main event of the day. Aeron taps Kirion on the shoulder to point a break in the crowd they can slip through to get on with their day.

 
“Wow, so the youngest of them all was chosen. Did you see He'Taash? He clearly wasn't too happy with it!” giggles Aeron, leading Kirion away from the town centre.
“I wouldn't have expected that, but I don't think we've ever seen Elder Felaran be wrong”

 
“Yup! But now that that's over, how about you help me out on...”

 
“Another one of your schemes?” Kirion finished, knowing all too well that Aeron was up to something already. “Let me guess this time. An Elderwood helmet. I saw the way you looked at that Guardian on the way into town...”

 
“Yes! Those carved Elderwood  helmets look great!”

 
“And they are locked up in the Guardian Spirits Hollow with the rest of their equipment, and we aren't allowed in.” Kirion sighs before rubbing his eyes with one hand, “And I'll just guess again you have a great plan to get in and borrow some of their equipment, right?”

 
“As a matter of fact, I do!” Aeron beckons Kirion over to a quiet space down behind some of the carved structures of the town, “I've found an old tunnel that leads under the Guardian's Hollow. So we just follow it along, climb up and in and grab a few things to mess around with” Aeron finishes with a big smile, and his fox like tail swinging happily. “So are you in, Kiri?”

 
Kirion puts a hand on his hip and rolls his eyes in thought for a moment before return with a, “Fine.” and letting out a short sigh, “But if we get caught I'll be blaming you again!”

 
“Wouldn't have it any other way, Kiri!” Aeron giggles, leading Kirion on, “Come on then, we need to move now, this tunnel is tucked away on the far side of Il'Shan, by one of her roots.” With a spring in his step, Aeron heads on with Kirion in tow.

 
Coming out of the spot they were nestled in to talk, they nearly bump into Aglaeca again, who steps back to avoid being knocked down again.

 
“Hey, I told you to be careful!”

 
The duo let out a “Sorry!” in unison as they continue onward, Aeron grabbing one of the many small blue orbs of light. Aglaeca watching them for a moment before continuing on his way.

 

 
Both the young Treeborns stop after circumnavigating the Great Tree for what seemed like hours. Both are out of breath, but Aeron had signalled a stop.

 
“Here! It's here” gasped Aeron, pointing to a small crevice, tightly tucked away against a root of the tree, before going over to it and squeezing his way through on to a ledge. “Pass me the light orb, Kiri!” Kirion does so, and it allows Aeron to light up a sizeable cavern under the root with many passage opening leading in several directions. “All right, come on down!”

 
Kirion squeezes himself through the slim crevice after some effort and the pair climb down into the cavern proper.

 
“Okay, so now we're down here, Aer. What one takes us to the Guardian's Hollow?” this question causes Aeron to let out a small giggle and a shrug.

 
“I don't know” he states in a proud tone “but one of them must do right? Lets find out!”

 
“You don't...” Kirion starts in a huff “So you have no idea what's down here? Should have known better...”

 
“Hey come on, now that we're here, lets explore and find out what's here! Remember what Falaran said at the gathering. 'It's what you don't know and how you handle it'” Aeron giggles. “Aren't you at least a little bit curious? Where's that sense of adventure I know you have?”

 
“It's still there, but what if this place is dangerous?”

 
“Not much of an adventure if there's no danger, Kiri!” Aeron throws over his shoulder as he boldly walks on down one of the passageways, into the unknown. Kirion sighs, but his own curiosity is peaked. He follows Aeron closely into the darkened tunnels under the Great Tree.
« Last Edit: April 04, 2016, 02:15:17 PM by Pegulsus »
  • Avatar by: Warden006
"Shine once more - Before the end."

Offline HellEye

  • The Elementalist
  • Zoomorphic Zebra
  • **********
  • awards Assigned to someone who is observed to be very friendly toward other members (frequently welcoming people in the Intro board, answering questions, etc.) This user has been a forum member for over 8 years Obtainable by request This user has donated to the forum more than once.
  • Posts: 7249
  • Gender: Male
  • Fox go boop
    • Awards
  • Species: Red fox
  • Coloring: Red and white, normal red fox coloring
  • Height: 5'8" Anthro / 1'4" Feral
  • Weight: 150lbs Anthro / 20lbs Feral
  • Build: Average, fluffy
  • Currently: *Happy fox*
Re: Under Il'Shan
« Reply #4 on: April 04, 2016, 03:43:43 PM »
Love it! Starts great, the speech Falaran gave was amazing! Really looking forward to what they find in there. Won't be the Guardian's Hollow though if I know any fantasy stories :P
Waiting for the next one, Hope it comes out a bit faster ;)
And make a new post next time maybe, so we get a notification for it. Love the work.
Everyone seems to have it, so here's mine


Offline Pegu

  • Yellow Yak
  • **********
  • awards This user has been a forum member for over 8 years Top 50 Poster
  • Posts: 3568
  • Gender: Male
  • Purloining Pegu
    • Steam
    • Awards
  • Species: Ori / Guardian Spirit
  • Coloring: White fur, light purple eyes.
  • Height: 107cm at the top of my head! Ears add a bit more =p
  • Build: Lithe
  • Currently: Curious
Re: Under Il'Shan
« Reply #5 on: April 04, 2016, 03:57:29 PM »
*Giggle* Still predictable for you then? Guess I'm not trying hard enough  ;)
  • Avatar by: Warden006
"Shine once more - Before the end."

Offline Firox

  • I is very friendly! No worries
  • Zoomorphic Zebra
  • **********
  • awards Assigned to someone who is observed to be very friendly toward other members (frequently welcoming people in the Intro board, answering questions, etc.) This user has donated to the forum more than once. This user has donated more than $50 to the forum. This user has been a forum member for over 8 years
  • Posts: 28428
  • Gender: Male
  • (still reply to my other sonas, in signature)
    • Discord
    • DeviantArt
    • My YouTube
    • Awards
  • Species: Red Fox *Flareon*
  • Coloring: Main fur red, do have fluffy yellow fur on head tuft, mane, and tail, dark red inside ears
  • Height: 3ft / 91 cm, lenght: 3ft 6in / 106cm, tail: 3ft 6in / 105cm
  • Weight: 38 lbs / 17kg
  • Build: playful, caring, competitive
  • Currently: friendly and full of fun - love chocolate chip cookies!
Re: Under Il'Shan
« Reply #6 on: April 04, 2016, 04:18:29 PM »
Going to agree with HE, that speech was very interesting, wasn't expecting it either, the mysterious ending also got my curiosity, can't wait for more.
  • Avatar by: I made myself
Info on my sona
Vay, female, Vaporeon, New York CIty, New York
Joseph, male, Jolteon, Kansas City, Missouri
Aaron, male, Flareon, McMinnville, Oregon
Arval, male, Umbreon,  San Francisco, California
Jyo, male, Espeon, Seattle, Washington
Linette, female, Leafeon, Biloxi, Mississippi
Grace, female, Glaceon, Minneapolis, Minnesota
Sherrie, female, Sylveon, Las Vegas, Nevada

8 opposite gender mates:
Leonardo, male, Vaporeon, Venice, Italy
Robyn, female, Jolteon, Bridgetown, Barbados
Fleur, female, Flareon, Marseille, France
Aycan, female, Umbreon, Istanbul, turkey
Elise, female, Espeon, Basseterre, St. Kitts-Nevis
Zoran, male, Leafeon, Velez, North Macedonia
Florian, male, Glaceon, Craiova, Romania
Seth, male, Sylveon, Ashgabath, Turkmenistan

My other supporting sonas:
Charlene - Bobby - Marrie - Milo - Vanessa - Zoey - Jeremy -Yana - Kumar - Francine - Rorch - Marvinne - Darsha

Offline Proto Triose

  • Quizzical Quail
  • *********
  • awards This user has been a forum member for over 8 years Top 100 Poster This user has donated to the forum.
  • Posts: 1933
  • Gender: Gender Fluid
    • Awards
Re: Under Il'Shan
« Reply #7 on: April 05, 2016, 08:35:46 AM »
I don't know if I should post this. There is a severe danger of Pegu giving me the cute eyes and getting a big head. :3

There's not a lot I can say, but I'm going to give it the old Proto rundown. Which of course means there's paragraphs and paragraphs to say. I don't even know where to start. Pegu, that was simply amazing. I can't even begin to see where you say this wouldn't be novel (or at least novella) length, with everything you have going on. If you don't put it all together into one comprehensive book format, I will, just so you can send it in to a bunch of publishers or self-publish it. And rest assured you'd have a review from me for the cover immediately.

N'Rtara is too much fun - the poor thing was very clearly not wanting it, which shows her humble side, and I love that aspect. Humble, but willing to step forward and do what needs to be done. I'm extremely fascinated with and curious about Aglaeca. I just know there's something bigger there. One almost never names a character that isn't used later. It's a reason I do name almost every character, so you don't know if you're going to see them again or not. So I have a feeling, and I can't wait to see what his role is. Even more praise, because that is exactly the kind of reaction you want to get from readers.

The description was -spot on-. You didn't give too much to make my mind wander and stop paying attention, but you didn't give so little I didn't get a good vivid picture of what was going on. That makes it an enjoyable read instead of a chore. Bravo on the conversation, and the speech, too! "It's what you don't know, and how you handle it." Has to be my favorite quote in the whole thing. Little things like that really make your writing memorable. Aeron and Kirion played -so- well off each other. I don't know if they were planned to, or if their connection surprised you like it does me when I'm writing (like Sapphire and Gea working so well together), but either way I love their interaction. The mischief, and the friend that grudgingly goes with them because if they don't, the other one will get themselves killed doing it anyway.

You already have the 'play' down that I mentioned earlier. The tiny ticks, the smallest movements, reassuring pats on the shoulders. Steeling themselves, reflected in their eyes. It's things like that that will well and truly bring characters to life. I even got aggravated with Aeron's not knowing what was going on when he got there, right along with Kirion. Creating an emotional attachment like that is very difficult to do, but you did it very smoothly and efficiently. Damn it Aeron, what have you gotten them in to?!

Sentence structure? If I could kiss my paw and let the kiss fly into the air, I would. Actually, that probably worked perfectly fine. Perfect. I noticed short sentences, as well as longer ones to change up the pacing. A story has a life and breath of it's own, so changing it up like that keeps it going like a meaningful song. People subconsciously want variance in their sentences because it matches what we know and love. When you can write Beethoven's Fifth in story format, you know you're ready to show your work to the world. Do not ever stop! :D

A great cliffhanger, showing Kirion's interest piqued and the scene closing with them heading into the tunnels. I'm truly impressed you didn't write much before. This is a rare kind of talent that shouldn't be kept in the dark. I absolutely will be insisting you write more, expand the world, make an entire adventure so I can read a novel length story by Peg. What is there to say to help you with? Now I think I'm starting to see where people don't have anything negative to say about my book (That sounds really self-conceited. I assure you I don't mean it that way, I just wonder if everyone is just making me feel good or if there really isn't anything to work on). When you read something that touches you and intrigues you, there's nothing you can say for the author to increase their talent. Short of "Why isn't the next book out?" You should really work on that, Pegu. ;)

Really the only thing I can say, and this is -only- because I haven't seen where you take it with the next chapter, is that I would like to see a scene with the shadow from earlier. A slight building of the overarching plot. Preparing for something, maybe. Or simply informing a leader that they're prepared. A characterization of the bad side, so we can understand what they're attempting, why they want to do it. Maybe there is no reason, but that in and of itself is a reason - some destructive forces do it simply because that's what they do. Or the elders discussing what was found in the clearing; I would imagine that would be a very important thing to bring up among themselves.

However, I will make a point of clarification - saying what I did is the same as telling Monet he should have used more red here. Telling Brandon Sanderson that he really didn't have enough chapters with Sazh. My friends telling me "You know what you should write next?" I know what I should write next, thanks. I'll write what makes sense to the story's progression. I just always try to leave something helpful. Sometimes a story is so well told that the only thing it needs is a little editing. And we all know how I feel about that - that can come after you get the story told. Until then, it's irrelevant, as long as the detail is enough to paint that desired picture.

For everyone writing their own stories, and reading this, do -not- be discouraged by anything I haven't said about yours. I'm incredibly impressed by everything you write, and it warms my heart to see everyone working on small bugs. Especially to see you each individually finding your voice and perfecting that style that is yours and yours alone. It makes me the happiest wolfie around, and I'm truly honored to be here to see and read it along with you.

So pick up your brushes, pour some more paint, and keep on describing that unique work of art that only you can make!
  • Signature art by: Lucky978 on Deviantart.com
Sorry for the absence; I had to get my life and my mind together. I missed you all.

Offline Pegu

  • Yellow Yak
  • **********
  • awards This user has been a forum member for over 8 years Top 50 Poster
  • Posts: 3568
  • Gender: Male
  • Purloining Pegu
    • Steam
    • Awards
  • Species: Ori / Guardian Spirit
  • Coloring: White fur, light purple eyes.
  • Height: 107cm at the top of my head! Ears add a bit more =p
  • Build: Lithe
  • Currently: Curious
Re: Under Il'Shan
« Reply #8 on: April 07, 2016, 01:57:22 PM »
Part 3 finally ready! Here you go, whomever reads! I hope you enjoy  ^_^




-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


Part 3 – Of Light and Dark

 
“Well N'Rtara” starts a concerned Felaran “You said there was something of great importance you had to say to us?”

 
“Yes, Kee... I mean, Elder Felaran. Something that may need all members of the council to solve.”

 
“I see, well we best all hear it inside” Felaran beckons the group of Elder Spirits into the councils meeting hollow, carved into one of the many roots of the Great Tree.

 
Once inside, there is a sizeable circular table, with matching stools carved from Elderwood from the forest. One by one the Elders seat themselves around it. When all but N'Rtara are seated, a handful of stools remain empty. N'Rtara is about to lean her new staff against the wall of the hollow, before she is stopped by Felaran.

 
“No, N'Rtara. Keep it in hand always.” before he gestures to a empty stool on the opposite side of the table from him.

 
N'Rtara keeps a firm grip on the intricate Whitewood staff with a nod of affirmation to Felaran, and taking her seat. The hollow is faintly lit from all sides by gentle blue orbs, much like the ones outside lighting the rest of Althar.

 
“Now” Felaran begins in his usual kindly voice “What is it you needed to tell all of us, Keeper N'Rtara?” the new title causing a slight wave of apprehension to once again wash over her, but she shakes it off.

 
“Elders. This morning one of our young Treeborn showed me something he had found out whilst near the threshold of the Veil.”

 
“Another young spirit wandering where he shouldn't be, no surprise nor any news there!” Elder He'Taash interjected, warranting a motion for silence from Felaran and Ornia. Rasal choosing to stay quiet.

 
“N'Rtara wouldn't have called us to council over a young spirit gone wandering!” Ornia shoots to He'Taash “Now please, continue, N'Rtara.”

 
“I followed him out there and-” She stutters “Well, the Veil was cracking.” Her words causing immediate chatter between the younger of the elders, but Felaran remained silent, but bowed his head slightly.

 
“Anything else, Keeper?”

 
“Yes. I took a closer look at it was emanating a sort of...darkness, and...” N'Rtara is cut off abruptly

 
“Did you touch it?” demanded Felaran, his eyes the coarsest N'Rtara had ever seen in her life as an Elder, causing her to stutter her response.

 
“N-No! I didn't touch it, but a wolf made of the same shadowy substance came from it and tried to attack me and the youngling.”

 
“And? What happened?” Felaran intent on finding every detail he could, the other elders worryingly chattering to each other to the sides of the table.
“I... I gave it a warning first, but when it didn't listen and lunged for us, I dispatched it. It turned into dust.”

 
“And what happened to that dust? Did you touch that? Tell me, N'Rtara.”

 
“No. I did not. After that I returned to Althar with the youngling. I told him to keep it to himself for the time being.”

 
“I see. What was the name of this young Treeborn? I shall need to see him myself some time.”

 
“Aglaeca, Elder.”

 
With that, the kindly Elder Felaran leaned back a bit in his seat. One of his paws gently stroking a long whisker, clearly now lost in thought at the situation N'Rtara described. Minutes pass before Felaran speaks again.

 
“You did the right thing reporting this. There is no doubt there.” he sighs “For this to come on the day I choose my successor...”

 
With this Elder Rasal finally decides to speak up, his voice slightly gruff, “We knew this was going to come someday.”

 
“Yes, yes. It was coming no matter what, but I think N'Rtara discovering it so soon has presented us with a chance to stop it, before it worsens.” states a resolute Felaran as he stands  from his stool. “Come N'Rtara, lead us to it so we can all assess the damage to the Veil.”

 
N'Rtara gives a nod to Felaran as the small group all stand and head out of the hollow, back out into the relaxing blue-lit outside. N'Rtara, staff in hand, leads the way towards the threshold of the town. Along the way He'Taash signals for a few of his Guardian spirits to arm themselves, but Felaran puts a hand to He'Taash's shoulder.

 
“If what N'Rtara has told us is true – The Elderwood weaponry of the Guardian's will be of no use here.”

 
He'Taash gives a look of irritation, but willingly belays his previous command and returns the summoned Treeborn to their previous duties.

 
“So is our only defence to be our magic if we are attacked?” an aggravated He'Taash questions.

 
“Yes” returns an ever-kindly Felaran “And no. There are other ways we can deal with the Shades if needed, but if N'Rtara only saw one then we may not need them.”

 
The group of powerful Treeborn moved with all haste towards the edge of the Veil, where N'Rtara was shown the corruption. They soon find themselves nearby, overlooking the darkened blight in the swirling blue barrier. There are no Shade Wolves skulking near it, fortunately.  Ornia, Rasal and He'Taash talk amongst each other at the sight of it, their concern now clear in their voices. Felaran turns to N'Rtara to confer.

 
“So there it is.” he exudes a gentle sigh, “I did not doubt you, but even so, it is still upsetting to see it is real.” Felaran brings a hand up and slowly starts stroking down one of his whiskers in thought.

 
“Elder, is there anything we can do right now?” an uneasy N'Rtara queries.
“Yes!” he jumps from his thoughts “Yes. Do not fear, nor worry. The Veil can be repaired. It can be a difficult process, but it can and has been done before, just...”

 
“Just what, Felaran?”

 
“It is just the Veil has never been tainted by the Shadow like this before.” he concedes “We are all facing the unknown here. I would like us to all take a closer look. Ornia!”

 
“Yes, Elder Felaran?”

 
“Ornia, I would like you to shield us all with a lightward, we are moving closer and I would rather avoid any incidents.”

 
“Of course, Elder. If you would all hold still a moment.”

 
Ornia's ears lull slightly as she closes her eyes. Slowly, she raises her hands, keeping them both level. Her hands eventually begin to glow with the deep, sapphire like blue of her eyes, as light and arcane energies flow through her. The forces slowly take shape in each of her hands, forming small spherical amalgamations of energy. She lets out a small cry as she turns her hands and the gathered energy towards the floor, to release and complete the spell. The released energies strike the floor and form a runic circle, again matching the blue of Ornia's eyes, that stretches under the small group of Elders. One by one they all begin to shimmer as the lightward affects them, laminating their bodies in a soft, transparent energy. A slightly winded Ornia speaks up as the runic circle under them fades.

 
“T-There. This should last us long enough for an inspection.”

 
“Excellent. Thank you Ornia.” Felaran puts a gently clenched fist to his chest and bows his head slightly to her before continuing, “Okay then. We will move closer together. Ornia's lightward should protect us from the blight should we mistakenly touch it, but please, do your best to avoid doing so.”

 
The group move closer to the oozing darkness in the Veil, each of them taking stock as they near the pool it has created on the ground near it.

 
“And a creature formed from this and tried to attack you, you said?”

 
“Yes, an arcane lance seemed to work.”

 
“I see. Well we had better...” Felaran is cut off suddenly by a deepened, yet distant sounding voice.

 
“Well, well. The appointed envoys of the light come to witness the closing days of their precious Veil. Was it worth raising it to begin with?” a laugh follows, a laugh laced with a distinct notion of confidence.

 
“Show yourself Shade!” barks an angered He'Taash.

 
“My, my!” the voice purposely feigning intrigue in a mocking tone “And here I had thought none of you possessed strength any more. Clearly I am mistaken!”

 
He'Taash lets out a huff at the disrespectful voice, Felaran pats his shoulder and speaks instead.

 
“Whatever it is you are trying, dark one, we will not permit it!”

 
“Well then it's a wonder I won't be asking permission from you, old fool.” The blackened pool beginning to swirl slowly, the group of elders step back and watch, readying themselves for a fight just in case. The pool swirls faster, and fast, until finally a hand reaches from it and pulls itself up, warranting a gasp from all, even Felaran. The creature of dark creation pulling itself up from the tainted pool, it's back turned. There was no mistake though – it was a shadowed form of a Treeborn.
The dark form examines itself briefly before turning, with vacant eyes of the same swirling darkness the creature had come from. It's ears and horns exuding a corruption similar to the one afflicting the Veil behind it, and it's very being appeared unstable, it's body shimmering and reforming many times a second.

 
“By the light of Il'Shan...” prays Rasal, his discomposure evident in his voice and on his face.

 
“Yes! By the light of Il'Shan indeed, Elders! For it is what we are ALL born by!”

 
“We are, Shade, not you!” retorts an unfaltering pair of Ornia and He'Taash, who then give each other a look out of the corners of their eyes for a second.

 
“Oh, you are more foolish than I thought, or had you merely forgotten?”

 
“F-Forgotten what?” asks a disconcerted N'Rtara, trying her best to not appear weak.

 
“That light may create you, but it also creates shadow in equal measure. That's right!” the creature half-heartedly shrugs “We're like... Cousins almost! So why don't we just shake hands and live as one, right?!” the Shade mockingly offering a hand out for a moment before laughing once more, with a voice like that of many creatures laughing together in twisted unison. “You've already helped me a lot though, so maybe I should shake your hands!”

 
“Helped you how?”

 
“You've all come here – the appointed leaders of Althar all in one place.” Felarans eyes widen as he realises the mistake. “That's right, Felaran. You've made it all too easy!”

 
With that the blackened Treeborn raises it's hands above it's head, and with it a tide of corrupted energy bursts from the corruption in the Veil towards the grouped Elders. The darkened energies shrouding all light as it moves to encircle the Elders.

 
“Move, now! Run!” cries a clearly distressed Felaran, but it is too late. The energy of the Shade has surrounded them, blotting out their surroundings with a swirling dark mist, the energies then move to form a complete dome, covering the view above as well.

 
“No...Not like this...”
  • Avatar by: Warden006
"Shine once more - Before the end."

Offline HellEye

  • The Elementalist
  • Zoomorphic Zebra
  • **********
  • awards Assigned to someone who is observed to be very friendly toward other members (frequently welcoming people in the Intro board, answering questions, etc.) This user has been a forum member for over 8 years Obtainable by request This user has donated to the forum more than once.
  • Posts: 7249
  • Gender: Male
  • Fox go boop
    • Awards
  • Species: Red fox
  • Coloring: Red and white, normal red fox coloring
  • Height: 5'8" Anthro / 1'4" Feral
  • Weight: 150lbs Anthro / 20lbs Feral
  • Build: Average, fluffy
  • Currently: *Happy fox*
Re: Under Il'Shan
« Reply #9 on: April 07, 2016, 02:10:00 PM »
Simply epic! Amazing portrait of the darkness, how it's also created by light. I really like what you're coming up with. This story is taking shape rapidly.
Waiting to see more!
Everyone seems to have it, so here's mine


Offline Proto Triose

  • Quizzical Quail
  • *********
  • awards This user has been a forum member for over 8 years Top 100 Poster This user has donated to the forum.
  • Posts: 1933
  • Gender: Gender Fluid
    • Awards
Re: Under Il'Shan
« Reply #10 on: April 09, 2016, 03:29:03 PM »
Because I want to save every detail of what I loved, I'm pointing out the only thing that threw me off at the end. The same thing I told Blue to watch out for - descriptive repetition. "Corrupted energy burst from the corruption." You, personally, never do this, so I feel as author to author I should make a note of it for you.

Pegu, I didn't think you could, but you surprise me more and more every post! Your other chapters were phenomenal, but this is cleaned up and so easy to read it very nearly brought a tear to my eye. The improvements in grammar, punctuation, and even vocabulary! You said so much with one single word; you've really gotten a grasp of this.

This is story telling and development on an epic scale, right here. Every one of the elders has a very distinctive personality, from He'Taash all the way down. Felaran's whisker tug was pure gold. It reminded me of Ada and her loose strand of hair, or Jade and her head tilt when she's thrown off guard. I loved every one of them.

I was afraid you were going to spend a long time having them walk to the clearing, filling space where you didn't need to just to get more page numbers, and you didn't! I can't say I was surprised you didn't, but I was more proud of the fact than anything. On the same lines of description, you also knew and recognized when it was important to have a lot of it. While she's casting the spell - that is incredibly useful information, setting up the use of magic so you don't have to describe it in the heat of a battle. It was also beautifully done, showed the finesse, energy, and life that their spells created.

Subconsciously or not, having an immediate contrast to it in the form of the corruption made the differences stark, serving to make the "good" magic brighter and the "bad" magic darker. And you didn't fall into the trope of explaining every single nuanced spell, choosing to focus on the dark ones intent. And his intent was revealed just enough to feel like questions were answered, while opening up just enough to have a few more and keep me reading.

I could go on and on, but I fear I'll write my second book here instead of where it should be if I do. Don't you stop on me now! And once this is all published, there's a fun thing I've always wanted to try. If you're interested in co-writing something just for funsies, anyway. ;)

That's enough ego stroking. I might be killed by the cuteness reaction I'm going to get for this, but as I always am, just telling it how I see it. Can't wait for the next chapter!!
  • Signature art by: Lucky978 on Deviantart.com
Sorry for the absence; I had to get my life and my mind together. I missed you all.

Offline Pegu

  • Yellow Yak
  • **********
  • awards This user has been a forum member for over 8 years Top 50 Poster
  • Posts: 3568
  • Gender: Male
  • Purloining Pegu
    • Steam
    • Awards
  • Species: Ori / Guardian Spirit
  • Coloring: White fur, light purple eyes.
  • Height: 107cm at the top of my head! Ears add a bit more =p
  • Build: Lithe
  • Currently: Curious
Re: Under Il'Shan
« Reply #11 on: April 13, 2016, 08:14:38 PM »
Okay! I'm sorry I'm so slow at this, but here is part 4 at long last!


------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Part 4 – Foolhardy Delving

 
“Aeron! Slow down!”

 
Kirion chasing his companion down through the darkened under-root caverns. The tunnel seems to stretch on forever. Twisting and turning in almost every possible direction.

 
“Aeron this is isn't funny, I – Ahh!”

 
Aeron jutting his head out from behind the next corner, giggling at receiving the reaction he desired from Kirion.

 
“Is this why we only brought one light with us? For more of your practical jokes?”

 
“Yup!” Aeron gives with another light chuckle “But this is exciting right? Aren't you excited?” his fluffed fox tail swaying to and fro.

 
“I'd be more excited if we had any idea what was actually down here” Kirion grumbled, his patience starting to wear.

 
“What's the point in adventure if you know what's there though, Kiri?” Aeron replies, with an air of concern for his disheartened friend “Tell you what, I'll find some way to make it up to you later if you're really not enjoying this!”

 
The pair continue meandering through the long tunnels. The soft blue light of the orb in Aeron's hand banishing the shadows as they move. The tunnels are clearly old. The walls and ceilings craggy and jagged. The rock faces cracked all around and evidence of the Great Tree above present, in the form of  tree roots occasionally visible on the surface of the rock. The dirt of the earth dribbling through some of the cracks, serving as a reminder to the wayward duo that they are underground.

 
“So, Aer – How did you find this place?”

 
“Oh you know me, Kiri! Always wandering, always 'Poking my nose where it shouldn't be'” he says in a tone mocking that of Elder He'Taash.

 
“That does sound very you!” Kirion letting out a small giggle of his own. His issues with the current situation slowly fading.

 
The pair move deeper and deeper into the unknown, their joviality lighting the way almost as much as the shining blue orb. It starts to feel like they have been moving for hours and yet the tunnels still seem to stretch on. Eventually though, the light of the orb seems no longer required, as a bright light from ahead is lighting a larger open cavern.

 
“Well looky here, Kiri. It seems we will find something worthwhile after all! No worries!”

 
The duo head through the lit opening into a huge cavern, the roots of the Great Tree above worming their way down all sides of the grand cave. The pair standing on a ledge above an incredibly deep pit, from which the source of light can be seen below. A torrent of bright blue energy, constantly flowing, shifting and roiling. The roots of the Great Tree that have stretched that far down are jutting into this strange river of light, causing those roots to have taken on the bright hue of the torrent.
“Woah...” Kirion is taken back at the sight “What is this thing?” he asks semi-rhetorically, knowing full well neither of them had a clue.

 
“It's all the way down there though, hmph!”

 
Aeron quickly looked around trying to find any way of getting further down, around the large cavern he can see a few more tunnel openings leading off. One cropping in the face of the wall looks like it used to be a tunnel.

 
“Kiri, look!” he points to the grey, aged rock “Looks like this one was closed off...”

 
“Which would mean this place was sealed on purpose, Aer. We shouldn't be here, we need to go!”

 
“But, Kiri!” Aeron reaches a hand out toward Kirion, gently grabbing his arm to stop him from turning away “We only just found something! We can't go yet! Besides – this place looks safe enough. If it's sealed then nobody will come down and catch us right? We'll be fine!”

 
Kirions ears droop and his tail swishes as a small feeling of trepidation washes over him, but he turns to his friend with a small smile and a nod of affirmation.

 
“That's the spirit, Kiri!” Aeron gives him a small hug, before taking the lead again “Come! There has to be a way to get down closer to it.” he throws over a shoulder to Kirion as he enters another opening. “This one looks like it goes down!”

 
Kirion does his best to keep up with his excitable friend, following him through the opening into a downward spiralling cave area, with it's own sheer drop at the centre. At the bottom of the pit, the strange glowing force can be seen. Here, however, it seems to curve down into an abyss of nothing after a point.

 
“Best not look down, Kiri...” is all Kirion hears before Aeron pulls him away from the edge “This way.”

 
They follow the path at the edges of this separate cave a short distance down, when Kirions ear suddenly flit back at a sound. A small stone had knocked and fallen, rattling against the dusty stone floor. Kirion looks back, which in turn causes Aeron to look back.

 
“What is it, Kiri?”

 
Looking back at the top of the tunnel they entered through, but he can make out nothing but the grey rock of the cavern walls.

 
“Nothing, just a stone.” he turns back to Aeron to continue their descent.

 
They finally arrive at the bottom of the spiralling pathway that skirted the edges of this side cavern. The swirling and shimmering stream of energy is now above them. It emitting a soft, echoing hum as it roil and shifts ceaselessly.

 
“Here, Kiri – This one leads back into the bigger cave!”

 
The two scamper back into the large cavern, now on the lower floor and take stock of their surroundings. Both are immediately in awe of what they see. The floor of this lower section is dotted with broken and blunted Elderwood weaponry of all varieties. The stream of energy, taking the centre of the chamber, has carved stone steps leading close to it – so close that it could be touched at the peak of the steps.

 
“Woah...” exuded Aeron, with a great sense of awe and wonder, before letting out a hop of joy “Yes! We can sort of get what I promised right?! Quick Kiri, help me find some that are intact!”

 
Aeron quickly pads across the chamber, and starts picking up and examining all sorts of Elderwood chunks and broken weapons. Kirion turns his attention more toward the centrepiece of the room, the flow of strange light.

 
He approaches the stream slowly, stopping occasionally to look at a fragment of an Elderwood weapon by his feet. His advance is eventually halted by a small glimmer out of the corner of his eye. He approaches the source of the glint that caught him, leading him to a small pile of rocks against the cavern wall. He knocks them aside, making them clatter against the cold stone floor. Kirion's eyes widen and his ears perk fully as he pulls the source of the glimmer free. A Whitewood rapier. Perfectly preserved, intricately carved, with runes of unknown meaning to Kirion running down the flat of the slender blade. The hand guard engraved softly with the shapes of leaves. Finally, the pommel, a setting with a soft white sphere of crystalline origin – a white mist swirling and twinkling within it.

 
As soon as Kirion had put his hand on the grip, he is assailed by visions. His sight hazes over, and he finds himself looking at a small congregation of his own kind. Standing in the room with him and yet they are not in the room. All he can hear is Aeron, still shuffling through other relics in the background. He watches the ghostly gathering of Treeborn, as they ascend the steps to the stream of energy. They are bearing a weapon, a staff. There was no doubt, it was the staff of the Veil Keeper! He takes the rapier out of it's hiding place and follows the spectral display, mimicking their actions, as they reach the top of the steps in front of him. They raise the staff into the stream, and dissappear as Kirion's vision returns to normal.

 
“Kirion! What are you doing!?” Aeron's cry snapping Kirion back to his senses but he is unable to stop climbing towards the stream.

 
“I – I don't know!” returned a now terrified Kirion, seemingly having lost control of his own body, which is now walking him to where he witnessed the congregation of the past.

 
“Get back here, please! I'm sorry I led you here okay! I get it, you're mad at me still!”

 
“I...Can't” Kirion only in control of his fear responses, he trembles as he is now standing before the river of light and energy.

 
“Kirion no!”

 
Aeron rushes up the stairs towards Kirion, who is raising the Whitewood rapier in his hand, blade first into the stream. The energies of the stream infuse into the Whitewood blade, sending searing heat down it and into Kirion's hand. He screams in pain, the sword and his hand being drawn into the mass of swirling energy. His cries are cut short by a blinding flash, and he collapses backwards, falling down the stone steps, the now brightly luminescent rapier still in hand.

 
Vision swirling. Everything slowly blotting out. He can hear something, but it seems so far away.

 
“Kirion!”

 
“Kirion, no! Please...!”

 
  • Avatar by: Warden006
"Shine once more - Before the end."

Offline HellEye

  • The Elementalist
  • Zoomorphic Zebra
  • **********
  • awards Assigned to someone who is observed to be very friendly toward other members (frequently welcoming people in the Intro board, answering questions, etc.) This user has been a forum member for over 8 years Obtainable by request This user has donated to the forum more than once.
  • Posts: 7249
  • Gender: Male
  • Fox go boop
    • Awards
  • Species: Red fox
  • Coloring: Red and white, normal red fox coloring
  • Height: 5'8" Anthro / 1'4" Feral
  • Weight: 150lbs Anthro / 20lbs Feral
  • Build: Average, fluffy
  • Currently: *Happy fox*
Re: Under Il'Shan
« Reply #12 on: April 13, 2016, 08:41:42 PM »
"That's the spirit, Kiri!" is the best part! Love it all anyway! Great job! Already can't wait for more!
Everyone seems to have it, so here's mine


Offline Proto Triose

  • Quizzical Quail
  • *********
  • awards This user has been a forum member for over 8 years Top 100 Poster This user has donated to the forum.
  • Posts: 1933
  • Gender: Gender Fluid
    • Awards
Re: Under Il'Shan
« Reply #13 on: April 17, 2016, 07:14:20 AM »
The biggest compliment I could ever pay is what I'm about to say. With a review for the parts of your story, you're now at the point that I feel I need to get the minor details out of the way before I can tell you the rest of my opinion. Changing my review style means that I review your work as I would any published author. "I noticed this, and this. But oh my god, the characters were amazing! I couldn't stop reading it!" Along those lines.


So, let's get that out of the way. It's the only thing I noticed when reading this chapter:


The dirt of the earth dribbling through some of the cracks, serving as a reminder to the wayward duo that they are underground.
[/size]
[/size]This line made me stop and raise an eyebrow, thinking "Um. Yeah." Now, every author does it - I have absolutely no misconceptions that I haven't done it any number of times in my work. I wish I had you guys to read and edit for me, but you need to read book one before I would give you the second half of that world's story; I would like it, because a second pair of eyes will catch something like this, and I would consider it invaluable. It harkens back to one of my most used and most closely held quotes that I remember every time I re-read anything I've written. "Trust your reader."
[/size]
[/size]The extra bit, about serving as a reminder, felt like it was reminding the reader that the two were underground. We know that; and I think I understand where you were going with it, but be careful with wording. The way it's worded sounds like you're reminding us. I think you were trying to say it reminded Aeron and Kirion in a negative way. That being the case, you can throw in something akin to "The dirt, sifting down on Kirion's head, served only as a reminder to him of the crushing weight of earth above his head." It's the small 'to him' that changes perspective. This could very well just be me being picky, but like I said - always leave something constructive where you can, even if it's something you respond "Shut up, Proto" to.
[/size]
[/size]Now that's out of the way, PEGU! Stop leaving me wondering what happened with all these great cliffhangers! But seriously, that was probably my favorite chapter so far. I admit I'm a little biased, because I love Aeron and Kirion's story. I'm incredibly intrigued by what will happen and what they'll discover, being under the tree. So I'm always on the edge of my seat for more. Your story telling is top notch; if you ever decide to publish this, you let me know, and I'll be glad to be your editor!
[/size]
Aeron worrying about Kirion when he starts going to the light, the whole "I get it, you're mad at me still." was a fantastic touch. The description of the sword, the flashback (or glimpse into the past), it was all very vivid imagery, but you never fail to impress when it comes to that. I still can't get over the present tense style not bothering me. Ask Rahyne, usually this style is incredibly off putting and irritating to me in a fantasy setting because it's a story being told about things that have already happened. Usually it is, any way. It isn't always, but it's very difficult to tell a story in present tense when it comes to fantasy, much less to do it right.

And you absolutely do it right. I don't usually even notice that I'm reading in the present tense style with your work, and I adore that. The stream of light was absolutely beautiful, and I felt like I was right there with Kirion and Aeron looking upon glowing roots. So gorgeous. I would hang out there and just relax, especially from above, because of the ambiance of it. You're making a fan for life out of me. I can't wait to see what you do next with any of your characters; they're all fantastic, and I want to know where this is all going.

Excited for more, Pegu!
  • Signature art by: Lucky978 on Deviantart.com
Sorry for the absence; I had to get my life and my mind together. I missed you all.

 

Powered by EzPortal

anything