Missing my family

[ZaraRa]

Sigh... 
So, I've long since moved out - I live with my beautiful partner, many hours away from my family. This is good, but...
Well, see, my father was not a nice man. The things he's done to me, he ought to be in jail - but I'm far too meek to ever get that in motion. My mother, I want to love her, of course I do - she's my mother! But she's always been verbally, sometimes even physically abusive, then apologetic after the fact. I don't know. I'm still coming to terms with the depth of my scars. You know, being in an environment where I am loved, appreciated, and safe - it really makes me realise how bad I had it. Sometimes, I'll hear footsteps from the person who lives above us, and I'll jump awake and cover my face, then realise that she's not here. It's a weird feeling. I love my mother, but I also have to come to terms with this strange, new sensation that she's been a terrible mother. I guess nobody -wants- to hate their parents...

I have many siblings, all of whom I adore; they were my best friends growing up. I miss them so much. I have this wonderful niece, who's only just turned a year old. Two of my siblings still live with our parents.. There's no way in which I could possibly see them, without having to confront my mother, or even worse - my father. I just don't know what to do. I tried to stay for a few weeks over the Christmas holidays, but I could not stomach what my father was doing to me any longer than that, and I took the first coach home (sigh.. Leaving so many things behind that I had stupidly brought with me in the car. I knew I'd have to do an emergency exit one of these days, stupid, stupid echidna.)
I told them all some stupid story about how I had promised to welcome a friend to the city, and so I had to leave. They.. Don't know that I'm never visiting ever again. I'm not; I can't. I haven't been suicidal in many years, except for the two times I stayed with my parents for longer than a week. I just can't do it. But.. I love my siblings so much, so it really hurts to think about.

Do I just hope that I can individually meet up with my siblings in the future, as they all gain their independance..?  :'( I just don't know. I guess I mostly wanted to get it all out. Thank you for having me.

[Wuff-Wuff]

  Oh man Zarara... I hope the reflective nature of writing and sharing it helps~ 

I can only imagine the difficulty you have with the conflicting thoughts towards your mother. On the one hand you realise the harm she's done to you, something that must've shaped you, but  you also acknowledge the fact that she's only human, a flawed being, who, with her apologies, showed that she understood the wrong she was doing... I think it's alright to let the less positive thoughts in, it might give you the chance of evaluating and forming a more realistic, yet compassionate and understanding relationship towards her, with enough distance that it remains healthy for you too...

Also that you cannot get in contact with our siblings must be horrible ._. You don't want to be that part of the family that seemingly "abandoned" them, but without seeing them you cannot even explain to them your sitation...

Are there any ways to get in touch with them? I guess your niece certainly would be too young for email/phone~

Whatever the case: feel hugged Zarara~  :'(

[ZaraRa]

Thank you, Wuff, for the hugs and thoughts -hugs-

I suppose I would like to keep in contact with my mother; I think I'm a long way off from forgiving her - but I definitely do think that I can, and eventually will. The only problem there is, I can't do it without staying in contact with my father - and that's the next thing, she has never once chided -him- for what he's done to me. I haven't illustrated it here, because, well, it's too much... It's too heavy. I never want to see him ever again, but what, then, does that make of my mother excusing his actions? Well, that one isn't one which any human can answer, I think - it's up to me, so don't you worry about that - it is my own burdon, and I'm sure I'll come to the right answer.

I still message my siblings, but I think I just keep pretending that nothing is wrong, and it's so strange - I want to just move on from what horrible things have happened to me, but I also don't want to leave them behind in it, too. Speaking to a doctor, I've been diagnosed with PTSD, and I made many therapists start to cry when explaining what's happened to me when I lived there, which... Ouch, that's a hell of an affirmation that things were really, truly wrong there. I'd have preferred it that I was just being dramatic and oversensitive, really. 

It's all mostly in the past now - I am my own person, I never have to go there ever again - I'm happy now, my life is awesome. But... I can't help but feel this ache in my heart, that I'm leaving my siblings behind.

I'm sure it'll all slot into place, eventually. Thank you for letting me spill my guts -hug-

[Wuff-Wuff]

Always Zarara -hugs-

I believe in you!  and I can understand that this is deeply personal and it must entail a lot of aspects that you don't want to share here so openly, especially if they made therapists cry...

All I can say is, don't let it weigh too much on your shoulders Zarara, I believe you don't owe anyone an apology here, not your mum nor your siblings. You had to overcome one of the greatest burdens that someone can ever be given; an abusive childhood. Something that left you with PTSD... you had to save yourself and you did the right thing by changing your environment to have people around you who give you compassion and love.
Staying in touch with your siblings also shows you still care and might even be an example for them, showing its possible to achieve a better life 

But this is all very easy for me to write as someone who didn't go through what you had to... All I can say is; I believe in you and always have an open ear if your guts need more spilling 

[ZaraRa]

Thank you, Wuff, it really does mean the world - you are so very kind. This really did make me smile to read.

That's all from me for now  I just have to keep moving forwards - wherever I end up, is where I'm meant to be, eh?