The Furry Forums would like to place cookies on your computer to help us make this website better. To find out more about the cookies, see our privacy notice.
To accept the cookie click here, or please login or register.

Author Topic: City of the dead  (Read 2201 times)

0 Members and 0 Guests are viewing this topic.

Offline Kit Angel

  • Optimistic Owl
  • ********
  • awards This user has been a forum member for over 10 years
  • Posts: 1568
  • Gender: Male
  • I will be the Guardian Angel to the people i love
    • Skype
    • Steam
    • Awards
  • Species: Fox Demon Aka Kitsune
  • Coloring: Depends upon mood ^w^
  • Height: 5' 8"
  • Weight: 165
  • Build: Lean, with a little muscle
City of the dead
« on: December 28, 2008, 09:36:51 PM »
(This is my first attempt i hope you all like it ^w^)

It was 9 a.m. in the morning in New York City; I was sitting down in the living room watching some stand-up comedy on a nice and cool Friday afternoon. As I got up and got ready to take a shower before going to work I started to hear running in the hallway followed by screaming. I ran to the window to look what was happening down on the streets. My eyes widened at the horrible sight I seen. People running left and right getting chased by people with chunks of flesh taken out of them, they were acting like wild animals attacking other people. The only thing that was running through my head was panic. “This is like something from those horror movies.” I said to myself, I quickly ran over to the side of my bed and grabbed my handgun from the night stand.

I went to my window that was facing the alleyway to check if there was anyone down there, and boy was I right there were hundreds of them feasting on the flesh of humans and animals. I couldn’t hold it in I threw up on the floor from the sight of the carnage. I quickly walked over to my door and I still heard running and people screaming I decided to swing it open and one man yelled at me telling me to watch what I was doing. I stopped the man and asked him what was happening. “Can’t you see what’s going on those people became cannibals and eating people, the police are trying there best but they are dropping like flies.” The senior said as he continued to run, I decided to run to my new destination “The police station…” I thought.

(East part of New York)

As I got out of the apartment complex none of them paid any attention to me thankfully I got to my car before they did notice me but I already had the keys ready before I left the building. I got into my car and started it and started to drive off. I seen a couple of non bitten people wondering around and they ran to the side of my car begging for me to help them and I did. After a half hour of driving it was me, an elderly woman, a young boy, and the boy’s mother. They were all scared including me but I tried to act as calm as I could. I let the old woman rest in the back by herself while the boy and the mother sat up front with me. As we were driving I seen nothing for miles I looked towards the lady who was looking around with the boy crying in her lap. “So what happened to you two?” I asked them. She looked at me with tears coming from her sea blue eyes, “I was about to drop off Danny at school with my husband but he was attacked by some maniac and he told us to run to the nearest place we knew that was safe…” I looked at the woman then to her son.

I noticed that they did not get to this part of town yet, I stopped the car in the middle of the street while everyone stopped and looked at me. “Everyone please listen, there are cannibals heading this way… you need to get to the police station as fast as you can.” They all looked at me and laughed saying that I was some crazy loon. I got back in the car and shook my head after they continued to laugh and call me fowl names. I looked at the woman, “My name is Kit Tenshi.” I held out my hand to shake hers. She smiled at me and shook mine, “My name is Angela Rictor.” I smiled and nodded and started to drive towards the police station. “Thank you for helping me and my son, today was just horrible.” Angela said to me. I looked back at her, “Well I guess work is canceled for now huh.” Angela and I started to laugh to ourselves as we were trying to relax from the horror that we saw today.

(Outside the Police Station)

About thirty minutes later we managed to get to the police station. As soon as we got to the doors of the police station screaming started to burst from a block away. I quickly grabbed Angela’s hand and ran with her into the police station. There were twenty cops ready to fire on them, one bullet passed my head and scratched my cheek making it bleed a little. “Whoa watch what your shooting at.” I yelled as I shut the doors behind me. I walked up to the nearest cop, “Sir were do we head to?” the cop gave me a look and pointed to the offices. I took Angela, her son, and the old woman to the office, there were five secretaries working like nothing has happened and three were under their desks panicking. I walked “ma’am where do we go in the building?” the woman looked up at me, “To the back where the parking garage is, don’t worry it’s closed with reinforced steel doors so they can’t get in.” me and Angela looked at each other with a very worried look on our face’s.

(Parking Garage)

Angela and I entered the garage where most of the civilians were being held at. After I helped the old woman to a safe spot to rest with the young boy Dan, me and Angela started to talk about what we did before this all happened.

(The Conversation)

“So Angela, what did you do before all this chaos broke out?” I asked, “Well Dan, my husband, and I lived in the quiet suburbs while my husband worked for a Bio-Engineering company called Metatech Corp.”

“Did you ever hear from your husband when this happened?” I asked Angela, she fell silent for a while and answered “No he didn’t he was working on a top secret formula which he said was a link to the fountain of youth, but he contacted me before this happened, he said that he wouldn’t be able to make it home and I heard screaming in the background and the phone line went dead and I grabbed m son and left to the Metatech building and seen this all brake out… after that I drove back and they were chasing after me still and I saved this old lady and my car broke down and about an hour later we ran into you, and I thank you for saving my life and my son’s as well” Angela said before she started to tear at the eyes.

"So you didn't  guess this would break out after you and your husband left the company and went home like nothing happened the next day..." I asked her

"Well i was still in a bit of shock so we went to Dan's school the next day and tried to act like nothing happened at all..."

(Conversation end)

When she began to cry I grabbed one of her hands and told her that everything will be safe and I will make sure that we get out of this city. Angela fell asleep lying down in my lap. An hour passed and the gun shots from outside stopped which woke everyone up. “What is going on out there” one man said looking at everyone, I stood up with Angela “I’ll go check everything out” I looked into Angela’s eyes “You stay here and make sure nothing comes through those doors when I leave I’m going to check if there is any survivors in the upper levels in the police station” Angela nodded in agreement to what I said. I went to the door as two men were following me to make sure nothing got in as I left.

(Police Station 1st Floor)

I left the parking garage of the first floor and started to walk down a hallway with my desert eagle ready in case if I get jumped by one of them. I left the long hallway because there was only two doorways so I left that hall and entered into a small room and found a map of the police station I checked the floor plans to see how many rooms there were and to see how many floors as well and to my surprise they had a basement where is said on the map where the first set of survivors are at I checked the room for any ammunition and found another handgun and a holster for the gun and a side pack full of ammo as well after I found the three new items that would help me I seen an injured officer laying in he corner holding her shoulder. I ran up to her and she was very happy to see me and also a little angry to see that I left the safe refuge just to look for something. “What are you doing out of the garage?” she aid in a weak tone, “Me I’m looking for survivors and looks like your one of them now let me see your wound I can help you out with this one.” I grabbed a first aid kit that was hanging above one of the three desks in this room and I seen that the woman had a small chunk of skin out of her shoulder. “so what is your name” she asked me when I started to address to her wound, “The name is Kit Tenshi, bartender at the local pub in east New York, and a part time nurse for the first job before I got fired” I said smiling a little. “Well the name is Rebecca haighs; I’m still a police rookie that just began for the first time, one heck of a way to start a job huh.” Rebecca said in a more lively tone.

After I was done aiding her wound I brought her over to a chair that was nearby. “So Rebecca… are you related to that one guy from London you know the acid bath killer??” I asked and her face shot up at me like no other woman has looked at me before “and what if I am related to him so what, what happened in the past is in the past…” she said in a ticked off tone towards me, I put my hand over her mouth and made the silence motion and quickly but quietly towards one of the storage lockers, after we got inside something was banging on the door to the room I peeked through one of the slots through the thin metal door. I seen one of them in the same room but I didn’t see any more of them, I looked back at Rebecca who was also looking through her eyes widened in fear and she moved to the back with out making a single noise. I gave her a signal and I jumped out of the locker when the biohazard creature was trying to bust through the other door to the parking garage, the creature whipped its head around and let out an unearthly scream, I took careful aim and shoot the creature in the neck making it spasm out on the floor. After the creature’s muscles stopped moving I took the desk and moved it in front of the door way and grabbed Rebecca and ran through the first hallway to the garage. I shouted to the two men on the other side who opened the door quickly to let me and my new friend in.

Angela ran up to help me and Rebecca who passed out from fear. I set Rebecca down on a little pile of blankets and caught my breath and waited till she woke up.

(One hour later, Day Two in the City of the dead 1:29 A.M.)

“… Where I’m I?” Rebecca asked me when she saw my face, I smiled “well your alive and your wound is healing up really well so far, and we are in the garage of the police station” I quickly replied. Rebecca sat up slowly looking around, “Kit thank you for saving me.” She dug her head into my chest and started to cry as I put my arms around her to comfort her. “Everything is ok Rebecca, I’m here… and Rebecca how did you get that wound?” I asked her, She looked up at my and wiped the tears that were streaming from her eyes. “I got it from falling over when they broke through the north barricade a chunk of metal hit me and I started to run as I was shooting at those deformed creatures…” she said softly so that I could hear her, I smiled at her and gave her a gentle hug and said “well it would suck if someone as beautiful as you got turned into one of them and we don’t know for sure if you get bitten if you do turn into one of them…” she looked at me with a happy smile and started to laugh at me a little. “even though all hell broke loose you still find the time to hit on young woman Kit…” as soon as I heard that voice I turned around to see my old friend from collage “Ha… Haru what are you doing here!! I thought you were in England studying for law school?” Haru let out a simple smile as she walked over to me and patted me on the head “well I guess a friend can’t wish their best buddy a happy 20th birthday” I looked around to see Rebecca’s face turn a bright red color “Kit… your 20 years old…” Rebecca said in a calm but low tone.

uh oh... I’m going to get hit again I thought to myself, “And you thought I was cute…” Rebecca said in the same tone, I nodded at her and she let out the most cute smile that I have ever seen and she said “well I must be pretty good looking for a 22 year old huh, but you need to take me out to a movie and dinner first there” she said in a childish voice, I looked at her completely dumbfounded and looked to Haru who was laughing with Angela. “Well Kit I guess you found a pretty good catch” Haru said sarcastically. “Ok I’m going to check the rest of the station for any survivors, Haru you get a couple of these survivors to make a reinforced vehicle so we all can travel through the city and get some supplies at the hospital for those who are injured ok?” I said to everyone in the garage. One man out of the group decided to speak up “And why should we listen to you!” I looked over towards the man that was struggling to get up and said in a dark tone “Because no one has stood up and I want to make sure as much as all of you, I want to get the hell out of this city… I was in the center of all this carnage, so I seen what happened and I don’t want it to happen to any of my new friends… I’m going to find out what happened right here right now…” Angela looked up at me with a frightful look in her eyes “But Kit you can’t go to there… It’s way to dangerous there…” I continued to walk towards the only exit and stopped “…I know it’s going to be dangerous but what if he survived, if he did we can figure out how to stop this Angela… I’m leaving right now, you guys just do what I said and park the juggernaut outside of the building, ok  Angela and Haru” both of them nodded in agreement, I then I felt something hugging against my arm.

I looked over my shoulder to see Rebecca with her face in my back as tears went down her face “Kit I… I’m going with you and you are not going to stop me!” I looked back to the door and smiled “well since there is no way for me to stop you I guess you just have to go with me, because I would rather be with you than anyone else” I said in a sweet and happy tone. Her tears stopped as she looked into my eyes and seen the gleam in them, she let go of my arm and got her gun ready as I opened the door, as we left the garage we heard the door lock behind us.

(So How did you ladies and gentle men like the first chapter so far just send me a message to let me know this is my first time ever writing a horror story and just to let you know its going to get better if you have any suggestions let me know them I’m up for new ideas )
Sometimes even love can hurt, but don't let things get you down, just take them one step at a time in the road that is paved before you because everyone has their speed bumps in life

Offline Somebody

  • Racious Racoon
  • **********
  • awards This user has been a forum member for over 10 years Top 50 Topic Starter Top 100 Most Online Top 100 Poster
  • Posts: 2075
  • Gender: Male
    • Awards
Re: City of the dead
« Reply #1 on: December 28, 2008, 09:55:02 PM »
Its very good actually, reminds me of a mix of several zombie games and movies. But I've always been a Zombie apocolypse fan so can't go wrong with that.

I like how you bring the human element to story instead of going all action movie and guns blazing. It helps to create a closeness to the characters and ultimately makes you care more about their survival.

Offline Kit Angel

  • Optimistic Owl
  • ********
  • awards This user has been a forum member for over 10 years
  • Posts: 1568
  • Gender: Male
  • I will be the Guardian Angel to the people i love
    • Skype
    • Steam
    • Awards
  • Species: Fox Demon Aka Kitsune
  • Coloring: Depends upon mood ^w^
  • Height: 5' 8"
  • Weight: 165
  • Build: Lean, with a little muscle
Re: City of the dead
« Reply #2 on: December 29, 2008, 05:30:34 AM »
 :"> Thanks ^w^ you acually made me blush, thats what i write most of my stories about, how friendship can bring anyone together to get through the toughest of obsticles
Sometimes even love can hurt, but don't let things get you down, just take them one step at a time in the road that is paved before you because everyone has their speed bumps in life

Offline Somebody

  • Racious Racoon
  • **********
  • awards This user has been a forum member for over 10 years Top 50 Topic Starter Top 100 Most Online Top 100 Poster
  • Posts: 2075
  • Gender: Male
    • Awards
Re: City of the dead
« Reply #3 on: December 29, 2008, 05:55:24 AM »
I think that friendship and bond sets the tone. The weakness of the characters accents the direness of the situation more then a unstopable one, because it makes you feel they are really in danger. I don't think some writers truly understand the importance of weakness. When a weak character overcomes the odds its all the more powerful

Offline Kit Angel

  • Optimistic Owl
  • ********
  • awards This user has been a forum member for over 10 years
  • Posts: 1568
  • Gender: Male
  • I will be the Guardian Angel to the people i love
    • Skype
    • Steam
    • Awards
  • Species: Fox Demon Aka Kitsune
  • Coloring: Depends upon mood ^w^
  • Height: 5' 8"
  • Weight: 165
  • Build: Lean, with a little muscle
Re: City of the dead
« Reply #4 on: December 29, 2008, 05:57:30 AM »
wow no one has ever complimented me ever like that *Blushes badly* I feel so happy thanks ^w^ well night all i'm going to watch the rest of resident evil degeneration
Sometimes even love can hurt, but don't let things get you down, just take them one step at a time in the road that is paved before you because everyone has their speed bumps in life

scarypuppy

  • Guest
Re: City of the dead
« Reply #5 on: January 01, 2009, 12:31:13 AM »
The dialogue could have been a bit stronger, also the pacing to me stumbled a bit.

Good story over all, and it helps that I'm the biggest Resident Evil fan on the forums.

Try and give a little extra attention to the character's thoughts, in my opinion, if its being told in the First Person it needs to feel like they're going step by step through something, or be completely erratic because of the chaos.

like I said before, just a few patches on an otherwise good story. ^_^

Heres a side note, try not to go into stuff too improbable, stupid in a zombie fiction story, but dont make them super strong or some other thing that usually gets overplayed in this genre.

Offline Kit Angel

  • Optimistic Owl
  • ********
  • awards This user has been a forum member for over 10 years
  • Posts: 1568
  • Gender: Male
  • I will be the Guardian Angel to the people i love
    • Skype
    • Steam
    • Awards
  • Species: Fox Demon Aka Kitsune
  • Coloring: Depends upon mood ^w^
  • Height: 5' 8"
  • Weight: 165
  • Build: Lean, with a little muscle
Re: City of the dead
« Reply #6 on: January 01, 2009, 12:34:54 AM »
Like William Birkins from resident Evil 2? yeah i'm not going to do that but i'll say this as a side note

If the zombies don't eat flesh they will start to deteriorate but if they do they will regain what ever they eat and they aren't the normal slow paced ones nope they run as well
Sometimes even love can hurt, but don't let things get you down, just take them one step at a time in the road that is paved before you because everyone has their speed bumps in life

scarypuppy

  • Guest
Re: City of the dead
« Reply #7 on: January 01, 2009, 12:51:15 AM »
Perfectly legitimate reasoning.

I like the Max Brooks School of zombie reality more, but then again a 28 days/George Romero combo couldnt hurt hah.

Keep up the good work.

Offline Dr. Strange

  • Zoomorphic Zebra
  • **********
  • awards This user has been a forum member for over 10 years Top 100 Topic Starter Top 100 Most Online Top 10 Poster
  • Posts: 9872
  • Gender: Female
  • "Break free of your chains and quell in fear"
    • Q @ FurAffinity
    • Awards
  • Species: Feline-lupine hybrid with wings
  • Coloring: red and black
  • Height: 5'4
  • Weight: 126
  • Build: average
Re: City of the dead
« Reply #8 on: January 01, 2009, 01:33:10 AM »
Yea. sounds good so far. Keep it up! ^_^
I go by many names; Mistress of the Abandoned; King of the Shattered; Duchess of the Damned; Nightcatcher; and Dreamwatcher.
but I am untamed and therefor
Your Worst Nightmare
~~Dr. Stitches "Sahara" Strange~~ experiment from D13 -------->
Pet's name: A734RF50G
Adopt virtual pets at Chicken Smoothie!

Offline Kit Angel

  • Optimistic Owl
  • ********
  • awards This user has been a forum member for over 10 years
  • Posts: 1568
  • Gender: Male
  • I will be the Guardian Angel to the people i love
    • Skype
    • Steam
    • Awards
  • Species: Fox Demon Aka Kitsune
  • Coloring: Depends upon mood ^w^
  • Height: 5' 8"
  • Weight: 165
  • Build: Lean, with a little muscle
Re: City of the dead
« Reply #9 on: January 01, 2009, 01:34:21 AM »
 :-[ awwww stop it you guys :">
Sometimes even love can hurt, but don't let things get you down, just take them one step at a time in the road that is paved before you because everyone has their speed bumps in life

Offline Dr. Strange

  • Zoomorphic Zebra
  • **********
  • awards This user has been a forum member for over 10 years Top 100 Topic Starter Top 100 Most Online Top 10 Poster
  • Posts: 9872
  • Gender: Female
  • "Break free of your chains and quell in fear"
    • Q @ FurAffinity
    • Awards
  • Species: Feline-lupine hybrid with wings
  • Coloring: red and black
  • Height: 5'4
  • Weight: 126
  • Build: average
Re: City of the dead
« Reply #10 on: January 01, 2009, 01:37:27 AM »
nu uh,. And you're welcome. ~ ^_^
I go by many names; Mistress of the Abandoned; King of the Shattered; Duchess of the Damned; Nightcatcher; and Dreamwatcher.
but I am untamed and therefor
Your Worst Nightmare
~~Dr. Stitches "Sahara" Strange~~ experiment from D13 -------->
Pet's name: A734RF50G
Adopt virtual pets at Chicken Smoothie!

Offline Devault

  • Boisterous Bear
  • **
  • awards This user has been a forum member for over 10 years
  • Posts: 120
  • Gender: Male
  • Loves Touhou
    • Clicky here!
    • Awards
  • Species: Lynx
  • Coloring: gray and brown
  • Height: five foot eight
  • Weight: around 150
  • Build: slightly toned, not much
Re: City of the dead
« Reply #11 on: January 25, 2009, 04:39:52 AM »
So far so good! Plot seems solid... and characters are starting to build little by little. You really are getting the concept of horror for the most part... It's not the gore or blood that makes it, it's how well the story draws you in... Most American movies don't get that (hence why Ju-On, the Japanese movie that The Grudge was based off of is so much better than the American one!). Also, the fact that helplessness is the scariest feeling of all is showing in this one. The main character can shoot a gun, but everybody else is either a rookie cop or just a normal person. Having people with perfect aim running around with half of the military's supply in guns kind of ruins the atmosphere of a horror movie... ^^;

Overall, I'd say it's pretty good. A few spelling things and all that, but all that is overlookable in the long run. It could use some spacing, though, like changing paragraphs when the speaker changes to help clarify who's talking when a bit better. That, and maybe add a few extended moments to make the moments of fear much more effective... This is on the verge of greatness in my book!

Also, sorry for the wall of text as a comment XP Great job!
Comments are like chocolate donuts to writers :3

Is working on: Raven's hollow ( http://www.thefurryforum.com/forums/index.php?topic=5481.0 )
Is editing: Higurashi manga, Measkashi-hen

Offline Kit Angel

  • Optimistic Owl
  • ********
  • awards This user has been a forum member for over 10 years
  • Posts: 1568
  • Gender: Male
  • I will be the Guardian Angel to the people i love
    • Skype
    • Steam
    • Awards
  • Species: Fox Demon Aka Kitsune
  • Coloring: Depends upon mood ^w^
  • Height: 5' 8"
  • Weight: 165
  • Build: Lean, with a little muscle
Re: City of the dead
« Reply #12 on: January 25, 2009, 05:07:04 AM »
Thank you devault ^w^
Sometimes even love can hurt, but don't let things get you down, just take them one step at a time in the road that is paved before you because everyone has their speed bumps in life

 

Powered by EzPortal

anything