I hate my local community.

[Asia Kali Yusufzai]

I have a girlfriend who I have known for just under 2 years and have officially been with for just under 1 year. There's a whole bunch of issues I'm not gonna get into now about why it took so long, but I will talk about 1 issue that is seriously harming me and her.

Now, I'm a Muslim, so I shouldn't have a girlfriend. (Now at this point I would like you to leave all ideas you have about my religion, and purely go on what I say about it.) I'm supposed to have an arranged marriage which isn't what you hear in the news, but is more like a safer, more organised form of dating. The boy and girl still have complete control. That said, they cannot go out together, alone. They can talk in private and have as many phone conversations as they want, but nothing beyond that. Now I would be fine with that, but I'm not being allowed to do any of that until I've finished University, because the entire thing is geared towards getting married, and I cant get married until I have finished my education. I met my girlfriend a year before I even started Uni, so I basically hid it. I mean I couldn't not ask her out because I felt that I would possibly miss the biggest chance of my life.

When I did eventually tell my family, they obviously freaked out, but they're really good people and trusted that I knew what I was doing and if it did go wrong, it would be a lesson well learned. So they let me go out with her, but the problem arises when people from the local community start noticing us in the city centre. The local community is filled with not-so-good people... actually I'd go so far as to say that they are psychopathic culturalised freaks who would lie, cheat and steal without a shred of remorse. Most of their kids go out with girls and boys purely for physical reasons. The problem is, these people are the ones who run the schools, are in the council and the local mosques. They also love to gossip and backbite anyone they can, particularly the middle aged women who have nothing better to do than live in the kitchen, constantly making food. They spread the gossip and make all these ridiculous allegations about my family, that everyone else will believe because they're all part of this Godforsaken community.

My family, particularly my mother, hate being talked about in a bad way. I mean the worst case scenario is that my mum gets worse and worse treatment at the local school, which would eventually end up with her being fired, despite her being one of the best qualified and best equipped teachers there. Best case scenario is that there are hushed whispers in the street. That's not a very good, best case scenario.

So basically my family have told me to tone down the affection with my girlfriend. Frankly they would prefer I not go out with her at all at this point in time, but there's no way that's gonna happen, and they know that. It's like I'm being forced to stay at arms length away from her.

What am I supposed to do?

[Xleena]

Well, I admire your courage to tell your parents, and how good they were about it.

I don't think you should blame your parents at all for their latest reaction, but i think those stupid gossips in your community should realise that you are you, and that if you love someone, it shouldn't matter what religion or culture you come from, because love is a wonderful thing.

My best advice is, (and this is not understanding the reaction you get) find out who has been giving you and your families' name a hard time an civilly confront them about it.
If you are right in the way they let their own children run around, they are contradicting themselves, and treating you unfairly, you should make sure to put that point across.

If you are particularly religious, perhaps it would be a good idea to talk to your mosque's Imam about your relationship and also the people using their sharp tongues.

I don't think you should stop being loving to your lady, but perhaps you should tone down in public until this whole fiasco has died down, or the issue is sorted.

hope i helped. xx

[Asia Kali Yusufzai]

My best advice is, (and this is not understanding the reaction you get) find out who has been giving you and your families' name a hard time an civilly confront them about it.
If you are right in the way they let their own children run around, they are contradicting themselves, and treating you unfairly, you should make sure to put that point across.

Nah, they would just get a grudge against me and it would just get worse. And it isn't just a few isolated people, it's most of the community. Also, there's no way I can point out the problems they have with their kids. They would never let me get away with it. It's a good idea, it's just that the problem is too big for that.

If you are particularly religious, perhaps it would be a good idea to talk to your mosque's Imam about your relationship and also the people using their sharp tongues.

Again, a good idea in theory but the problem is too big for that. The local Imam and generally most of the so-called scholars in this small area are some of the most corrupt people I've ever seen. They think that just because they've read the Qur'an 20 times over, means that they are better than everyone else, and somehow untouchable. I mean for people who supposedly know so much about Islam, they certainly don't follow any of it. They care more about their own culture, that they certainly have twisted and abused, than they care about anything Islamic.

I don't think you should stop being loving to your lady, but perhaps you should tone down in public until this whole fiasco has died down, or the issue is sorted.

Frankly, the only way I can tone it down even more is to not see her at all. Also, this issue will not die down. The only way I can see of getting out of this is to take my girlfriend and leave this place for good, and I cant do that for a few years yet.

Your help is appreciated, and I'm sorry if it feels like I'm just shooting down everything you say.

[Xleena]

Haha, not at all, I knew it wouldn't be that easy, nothing ever is, but its certainly worth a shot.

All I can say other than what I have is bascially screw them, let them live their own little corrupt lives and do what you want, if you show that you have courage, people will realise that. You should never let people rule your life, especially the ones you love.

If people in the community go as bad as to get your mother fired, then you should encourage your family to leave it (again I know this isn't as easy as it sounds). There is no way anyone can live in a corrupt community if they are not corrupt themselves. Don't consider this as giving up, rather showing them that you don't need them.

In the end they're petty Qu'ran bashers, and should realise that Allah and the prophet Muhammad spread their teachings to encourage love between the community, and of course, each other.

You are the good guy here, so don't let their petty talk and stupid gossip ruin something special between you two.

(Btw, I'm an aethiest, so sorry if any of this is a bit off, and i totally respect your religion  )

[Asia Kali Yusufzai]

I really do just want to ignore everyone and do what I want to do, but I cant just let my family get hurt, and we cant leave because we can't afford it. I live in the poorest part of town, literally a 5 minute walk from where the prostitutes gather. You would never live here if you had a choice. The only good thing about this place is that we dont get discriminated against for being muslims, which is what would happen if we lived anywhere else cheap enough.

(Btw, I'm an aethiest, so sorry if any of this is a bit off, and i totally respect your religion )

Well you havent said anything wrong yet. You seem to get the basic gist of Islam, which is better than most people.

[Xleena]

Hmm, thats true, My friend has a step mum who is a muslim, and shes had a lot of hassle for it.

The thing I don't understand is why people have to be so intolerant of one another, when we all share the same feelings and there can be good and bad no matter where you look.

I can't help but feel angry for you, you're supposed to live in a community, not a psychological war zone. Unfortunately, you'll just have to do what you think is best and make the best out of a situation that seems pretty negative.

How are they affecting your family, if you don't mind me asking?

[¿ Jesse Pawman ?]

But that will never happen.


Just tell it to their faces. They can't kick you out of the community. Tell them, "Hey. Screw you man."
You have to be blunt and honest about this. Be tough. BE A MAN!!!!

[Asia Kali Yusufzai]

How are they affecting your family, if you don't mind me asking?

Not much. Nobody outside my family really knows about it, except for my girlfriend's social circle, but her world is totally separate from mine.

Just tell it to their faces. They can't kick you out of the community. Tell them, "Hey. Screw you man."
You have to be blunt and honest about this. Be tough. BE A MAN!!!!

I'm not a very manly man :-[
That said, if it was only me and my girlfriend who would suffer from it, I would have no problem at all. (though my girlfriend has begun to notice all the stares we get when we're out and about). The problem is that my actions indirectly affect my family. I cant just light the fuse and not expect others to get hurt.

[Xleena]

You're right, but thats probably the only way you will get what you want, its a tough decision, butpehaps the effects of doing nothing might be worse than if you did in the long run

[Asia Kali Yusufzai]

And that's one *** of a scary decision. I don't know what I will choose. I mean, I could help myself and not care about what anyone says. Or I could help my family by keeping such a "dirty little secret" a firm secret. I just really don't know, and I don't think i will figure this out for a while... It's so hard.

[Xleena]

I know, but I also can tell you'll make the best decision, because you seem awfully selfless, but also very intelligent.

Best of look to you man

[Asia Kali Yusufzai]

Thankyou

And thank you and Jesse for your advice. It's helped sort my head out at least.

[Gabag]

You should defeat the perpetrators in an intellectual manner that befuddles their corrupted judgment in a way that they second guess their actions, if they are particularly religious, citate the religious text, if they are very God Fearing people. they should leave you alone.
translation: tell them off so awesomely you leave them scrambling for cover

[Asia Kali Yusufzai]

You should defeat the perpetrators in an intellectual manner that befuddles their corrupted judgment in a way that they second guess their actions, if they are particularly religious, citate the religious text, if they are very God Fearing people. they should leave you alone.
translation: tell them off so awesomely you leave them scrambling for cover

Yeah, they wont care. At best, they'll tell me to leave, at worst they'll beat me up. It's happened before, though not to me. It's not like I socialise with these people.

[Gabag]

you could do what I've always wanted to do, and hire a Xiao Lin Monk to kick their buttz