Alluring world

[Goblin Cat 😸]

So this Halloweener has lost a little pep in her step. I'm seeing all this Halloween and fall coming on, yet.. I can't get excited like I used to at the end of September when the stores were putting out Halloween props. I feel sad. I can't pinpoint why since there are so many things going on that I have to be sad about. I'm trying to draw, nothing really good is coming out. The only good ones that come out aren't happy pictures, and I'm sure you people would get tired of a bunch of depressing art. And the odd thing about it, is it's occasionally not a terrible sad. I get hit with it and it seems like it should be there, and that it's somewhat comforting. Like it's more of nostalgic feeling, where I miss things and how they used to be, or when I'm realizing something really upsetting, and how things are always changing around me; and yet here I sit. Still somewhat of a loner. BUT RIGOR. YOU HAS REAL LIFE FRIENDS. I know I do, but it's an odd thing when you still feel lonely when you're surrounded by them. When in ways, you just want to leave them all behind you and not second guess yourself. It gets to where I want to be alone, really.. And I don't get myself because later on I get lonely, and when it's remedied, I don't want it.

I'm getting to where I'm acting like Rigor in the sense that my mind enjoys simple things, and I don't want to be bothered with if anything otherwise. A good example is yesterday; I found myself overwhelmingly happy about the weather. It was my favorite kind of day. Those gray days.. And when I say gray, I quite literally mean it. The sky is nothing but a blanket of gray clouds, with no breaks, and it's cold and foggy. But the fog is so thick, that it feels like an extremely fine mist. I can't explain how at ease I was, just walking to class.. It was as if I could have forgotten the world because I was alone.. I don't think I said more than three words in total the entire day with the exception of trying to talk to y mte over the phone. And I feel like that's not normal that I can get so happy over something so simple, yet not want anything to do with my friends because I know of the feelings I'll eventually get to being around them. I'm confused because as much of an oxymoron as it is, I can only explain it as a pleasant kind of sadness.

Anyway.. The point of this was to ask what inspires you or sparked / inspired the creation of your character or the changes that have made them who they are? For those that have known me for quite a while, Nyx was inspired really by the whole SciFi type genre; whereas Rigor was partly inspired by "The Hitcher." After watching the movie, I realized I wanted a character that was so.. I don't know the word for it; interesting, maybe? I wanted to combine that with Halloween and a skeletal outfit that I had put together / was obsessed with at the time. Also, what kind of things inspire you to draw or write, or make music, whatever the heck you do? I feel like I'm in a slump, and I may need some help getting out of it, because as alluring as this sadness is, I know it's not right and healthy by other people's standards. Thanks in advance for any help regarding this topic; and apologies for my 'rants.'

[Xleena]

In a way I appreciate your rants because its kinda like me sometimes the things you describe. The whole comfort in sadness thing I find is a bad habit I have, like if i'm miserable I hate it when people give me advice most of the time because in a way i feel comfortable when i'm sad, like you, if i'm not misinterpreting.

   Perhaps your overjoy over simple things is because they're not out of your comfort zone-- say like for example how a hot day would be because it makes you feel uncomfortable, and you're expected to dress in shorts and tshirts and skirts and bright colourful things; you worry if you have to adapt to that condition, and not be in a safe situation.
   
    The gray day made you happy because you could dress how you like (this applies to me at least, I love wearing black and hate wearing bright colours), gave you the ability to feel gloomy (because you wanted to) without it looking out of the ordinary.
This could apply to your depression too, being sad is in your comfort zone, trying to remedy it and be happy isn't, thats why you wanna stay in that situation, and feel like its your right to.

   With the feeling alone in a crowd thing I can relate to as well- you just see everyone around you having fun and connecting with each other, and all you can feel is like you're the black sheep who doesn't quite understand why they can all be so happy and carefree. Again its about going out of your comfort zone and telling yourself you're not a loner-- they are your friends and obviously like you and have some connection with you so instead of not talking and severing bonds, try your hardest to be the happier side of you-- the one they're all friends with, rather than the recluse who is your own worst enemy.
   
  Basically what i'm saying is you have to break out of the habit and try and do things out of your comfort zone because it will overall make you happy- won't be pleasant at all at first, but it'll eventually get better.

   With your art thing, my inspiration can be anything, it can be an emotion or something you previously created (I started making troubled eyes off a drawing of a girl in bandages i doodled in my class!!!) something that sets of a small spark that you develop into an inferno. Don't ask for the inspiration-- do things when you want to, or if a word, an image, a sound triggers it off.

''If you're too busy looking for something it will pass you by and will be gone.''
 And so what if all the drawings you do are 'depressing'? Its you're style and if you try to change that then you'll not ever make the piece look right. Art is, as cliché as it sounds, an expression of your emotions-- do as you feel, not do as you think you should feel.

If that doesn't help/ make sense I'm sorry Rigor, but I saw it and just felt you deserved a good answer, even if it might not be the right one for you. xxxx

[Vee Katame: His Wolfy]

Wow...I don't think I could do any better than Xleena's answer. That actually makes a lot of sense to me.

Also, I kind of understand the whole pleasant kind of sadness thing and partly not wanting to feel better. If I'm in a bad mood, sometimes I hate it when people try to cheer me up. Like if they try to make me laugh by joking around (or tickling me, that's a really bad idea when I'm not in a good mood) or use stupid voices like talking to a child or use their fingers to make a smile on my face or just do anything to try to improve my mood...generally it just makes my bad mood worse. I don't like anyone pushing me in any way to change my mood. So maybe you don't like the "pressure" that the world puts on everyone to be happy all the time and that it's taught in a way that it's not okay to be in a bad mood.

But anyways, for my (main) fursona, my inspiration was mainly that canines are my favorite animals and I love wolves. I also thought that white wolves were beautiful, so I picked an arctic wolf. For a while, it was just a regular arctic wolf besides the blue eyes. Then I decided that it'd be creative and cool if my arctic wolf icy-ish fur and hair that went with her ice blue eyes, so I changed her so her fur and hair was ice blue and white. Her personality is like mine but she's a little more spunky and good with weapons, which is how I wish I was. The others are basically different personalities that I could have (if I was schizophrenic, lol) and animals I like.

For art and poetry...well, I don't draw too much but basically my drawings are based on ideas that pop into my head and how I'm feeling. All of my poetry is based off of emotions and seriously, I don't have a lot of fully happy poems. lol. Some start off sad and turn happy, but most are all one emotion.

I don't think this will help you much, but if it does, then I'm glad. I hope you figure things out soon.

[Asia Kali Yusufzai]

Well I've grew up with quite intense depression for about 18 years  (I'm 20 ) and I understand what you mean by comfort in a rather tame sadness (rather than the out and out raving madness sadness) but I dont think that the habit is the thing that needs to be fixed. It's the thoughts behind it. In hindsight, I guess I was afraid of change and unwilling to put the effort in, especially if I could just cry away my sorrows to an anonymous voice I would find. Once I lost all my avenues to talking about the problem to random people, I ended up forcing myself to go to a doctor and get it fixed. I got medication and though I felt happier, I didnt see a reason to be happy, because my chemicals had changed but my thoughts hadnt. I ended up attempting suicide with the pills, and just gave myself a headache for three weeks. My actions had failed to get what I want and just ended up hurting me. That's when I realised that i'm literally hurting myself for no good reason. It wont help the problems with my family, it wont help the problems of my social life, it just gives me a mega headache. So then my thoughts cleared up. This stuff isnt gonna be fixed, so stop worrying and focus on what you enjoy. Everyone else is their own problem, you dont have to care one bit. And that liberated me, so now I'm probably one of the happiest people you could meet.

I always pull out that story, it's the last depression story I have

As for my creativity, it flows from my very nature. I'm a very visual, very wildminded person. Nothing is ever tidy with me. There's always big explosive things, there's always intense colour. My drawings are often rather distorted unless I really try to get proportions right. Colours are always extreme unless I really reign it in to get something relatively normal. Details are sketchy at best. I guess my writing comes from me noticing things. But the subjects still end up over the top and strange. Though my style is always very indepth and rich. Poetry is just the purest form of my madness, with words and phrases bouncing off the walls and structure meaning little to nothing unless there is an overall idea behind it, which there seldom is.

[Goblin Cat 😸]

Right now, I'm still very unsure of what to think.. I feel obliterated. I went to class like a normal day and had a project due for my graphics class. Last night while I was in the lab working on it, an acquaintance of mine (by acquaintance I mean someone whom I constantly help when they get confused in class) noticed I was having a hard time. I apparently looked frazzled; burnt out.. And he offered to get my project printed for me because unlike our other projects, the size prevented us from just printing in the lab like usual. Well, when class rolled around, he didn't; and I panicked. He eventually came, but came late.. And so during the duration of time that I thought I was going to pass out while waiting on him, I managed to mention to my teacher the situation going on: He knew I had personal problems going on, offered, I accepted out of a "what the heck, why not, maybe it'll be nice" notion and he wasn't here.

After we finished our critique, I started working and my professor pulled me to side and into her office and asked me to explain my personal problems a little further.. So I did, and she listened quite intently. By the time I was done, I was shaking, and apparently looked stressed as if I were about to cry because she handed me the box of tissues. She informed me of the counseling services they had on campus and called up someone at the office where the counseling was.. She explained that I was depressed and had a heavy load on my shoulders and that I could probably use some help (in those words); then asked if I took any medication for my depression.. Of course, I told her no.. And whomever was on the phone gave her some information in which she wrote down. Upon hanging up, she pushed to paper to me and told me that I could go to health services and they'd refer me to the counselor, or I could just go to the counselor directly. She offered her phone to me along with the number so that I could set an appointment, then told me she'd hate to lose me from the art program because I was talented and a good student despite the shortcomings I've had so far because she could just tell. I decided to call and set an appointment since she had helped me thus far when I had never asked of it, and she left her office back into the class so I could do so. I set the appointment, then went back to my computer and shakily worked until class was over.. And on the way to the car had an anxiety attack.. Then had another while I was driving until I got home. I've been shakey ever since. And now I've got an appointment tomorrow at 9am for counseling. I'm not sure what I should do.

[KittKat chunky~]

i think you should go to the counceling session, youve already gone this far and it could help a lot.... other than that im not very great with advice, so just remember all of us here love you Ri 

[Vee Katame: His Wolfy]

You should go to the appointment. It could help you a lot. It may not solve everything, but at least help you out somewhat.
You're a great person and I only wish the best for you in all of this.

[Asia Kali Yusufzai]

It wont solve everything, in fact the first appointment wont solve anything. What it will do is clear your thoughts and get your thoughts running a bit smoother. Really the main thing that's gonna solve your problems is yourself. You have to get yourself out of this. proffesionals can help, but no-one can do it for you, or tell you how to do it.

also, psychologists are generally... normally I would say things that would get censored on this site... so i'll just say that they need a personality upgrade. Atleast the psychologists I've talked to need it. Probably because they treat you like a patient rather than a person... like a commodity really.

Either way, you need to use everything at your disposal. Frankly, your mental health is more important than anything else. More important than your art, more important than your future, more important than your friends and family. What you feel in the present, is the most important thing in your world. So go to the counsellor, and make yourself better.

You more than deserve it.

[Death Voices]

Like a general depressing feeling that is somehow soothing?
I think I know what you're on about, but I can't explain it well myself. It happened to me a few years ago, and all I saw was negative things, and felt as though that was the way things would stay.
You just have to wait it out until something good happens, and that will really kickstart your mood, and you'll feel better. If my experience of it is anything to go by.
Councilling is a good place to start; it might put things into perspective for you. But like AsiaBunny said, it won't solve everything. That will be down to you.

I reckon you can get through this. I haven't been here as long as everyone else, and I haven't really talked to you much, but I get the vibe that you're someone with a good head on their shoulders.

As far as things around you changing, I can sympathise. I've just finished school, and I'm beggining to realise that I can't muck about with my life anymore, even though I really want to. I still kinda do; I spend a lot of my time playing some kind of video game. That, and the sense of regret that I never experienced a relationship with someone else during my teenage years.
But I always say to myself that if I keep regretting past decisions, I won't be able to function in the present. That's got me exercising, and it's a start, at least.



I lack much artistic talent, but I do have a large imagination if I feel like letting it run wild. Though, most of my thoughts have never found it's way to paper. Maybe I should; it could be a good form of release.
I play bass, but I'm not immensely good at it. I haven't made anything original, and I have a tendancy to choose songs I really like, but end up being way out of my league. Though, Schism by Tool looks promising; I managed to get the main riff down. I'm just not looking forward to the end part. >.<

As for my fursona, he's simply a furrified version of who I percieve my ideal future self to be, which is a heck of a lot more confident than I am right now. I chose him to be a rat because that was my nickname, given to me by my step grandad when I was born. "Tricky Ricky Rat". Silly, but it stuck.
I think I might change his name to Darrell, though; I didn't give the name as much thought as I should have.

[Goblin Cat 😸]

Well, I used to go to a counselor, and I didn't like it. Not one bit. I went for a month, I think.. And it really didn't do anything other than make me really uncomfortable and upset most of the time. I didn't like going; it was awkward.. I didn't like having to open up to some stranger. Especially when he never really did much to help. He told me what was wrong, and I couldn't fix it it seemed no matter how hard I tried. I don't think this time will be any different, really.

[Asia Kali Yusufzai]

My first counsellors were horrid. They told me that I wasnt depressed. I just stopped going to them after the second or third session. But i persevered and found someone better. She wasnt great (she freaked me out) but she could see the problems, and actually tried to fix them. even though she failed, she wasnt bad.

[Squirm]

Take it from somebody who has spent their fair amount of time in "counselling", it isn't worth the time.

It's an endless exchange of vague, meandering ideas which (apparently) you are supposed to try to create some conceptual synthesis of; As you can imagine, it is rarely more than an hour of two people reaffirming their own diluted belief that they are emotionally attuned to those around them, and thereby (here's where it gets funny) intelligent, caring human beings.

Psychology is by name a "soft-science", don't rely on it to solve anything. Chances are, it will be a waste of your time, and if by chance it DOES help, given psychology's track record I can virtually guarantee you it will be little more than a temporary high brought on by the false impression that a veritable stranger (you are paying to care about you) actually cares about you.

I experienced a similar dilema as of late, and found my answer to be vastly different than what seems to be most frequently suggested; I found no comfort in the company of my friends, family, or significant other. My solace came in accepting the fact that all emotions I experience are little more than chemical reactions which fire off in response to external stimuli. Further study of the research of human anatomy which I had access to made it disturbingly apparent that we are little more than "organic" machines, if you can even call us organic (after all there is no standard to compare it to, being a definition of our own construction). This gave me a sense of continuity with the universe; the inanimate became (from a psychological standpoint) just as valid as the living, the metaphysical as valid as the corporeal, and the mystery of life just as valid as the lucid.

Sadly, that renders the emotion I experience (and all life for that matter) as invalid as the existance of a vacuum. My point being I found comfort in the exact opposite of what is traditional: our meaninglessness. It sucked all the magic out of life and replaced it with comprehension, which I found to be utterly inspiring (I know it sounds like an unbelievable oxymoron, to find hope in hopelessness, but I believe it is a matter of perspective, much like everything we percieve).

[Armalite_]

Well, at one point in my life, I was like how you are now, Rigor. I had friends, but I got tired of them real fast. I wanted to be alone most times and just wander the streets on my own when it was dark or miserable outside. I could never figure out why I did...It was something that I just...out grew in time. But I guess a specific chain of events that occured got me to change, I cannot say for sure. My parents wanted me to see a shrink. I DID NOT want to see a shrink AT ALL. It was like a silly highschool phase for me. Same went for the first awkward days at school without friends, focused on work, and ate my lunch alone. I hated that most of all. I didn't like to socialize much, a type of kid that kept to himself, feeling alienated among the kids that surrounded me. One day I was walking down the hall and spotted a group of 9'ers that just so happened to be just like me, like the same things, did the same things, talk about the same things. Those are the friends I still have. But over time I was bored with myself and bored with what others were doing around a year or two later. My life pretty much went off the deep end from there. The whole drugs, suicide, and alcohol, I'll get to soon. Everyone loves to hear about that part usually...and I don't always end up telling them the whole story because of how long and embarrassing it is so I'll keep it brief.

Spike was created from the part of me that hit rock bottom. I smoked, drank, spent all my cash on weed and acid. I'd go home everyday, pretend to finish my work and go out at night to get high or drunk or both. The only thing that kept me from doing this everynight was the fact that I was broke. I lied to my parents, said I'd never touched a cigarette or seen a gram of weed before. Keep in mind I was only 15. I don't know what it was or why I chose to go down that path in the first place. If my parent's had found out that I did those things, I would have been disowned. One time my dad caught my brother smoking weed in his room (that was funny), weeks later, my dad found my stash along with 3 pipes but I was able to "persuade" him to think differently. That wasn't funny. It took me months to figure out why I was destroying myself and realized that it was the drugs that made me (at one point) suicidal. I immediately quit everything, which was nearly impossible to do on my own. I went to school, did my best, and went back to my friends (all over a course of time).

Spike is the shady lone stoner, finding peace and comfort nowhere except inside his own head. Blocking out the rest of the world through his music of death and destruction. He was inspired by the "unfilled void" in my teenage years. No movies, no liturature, no soundtrack. Although it would seem like a story from 8 Mile that's really how life looked to me at one point, dull, depressing, and unworthy of my time.

With just one thought of "why?" changed my whole atittude. I didn't need hours of someone blatantly asking how I felt about something. I felt like absolute (insert curse noun here), thanks for asking. It can't be some answer of "why not?" but really questions the difference between what's right, and wrong, the difference between them and how it applied to you. That's all it took me.

I guess my point being to you Rigor, is just maybe this is a short phase for you too. Maybe not, despite what other's think, only you really know's what's going on inside your head and you're the one to figure out what's wrong and take the proper steps to what you think you need to do to change that. That's it. It doesn't have to be harder.

[Asia Kali Yusufzai]

I havent said how i my fursona is, and that's cus at first I thought he was just an animalistic version of myself, but now i realise that he's more than that. He's what I want  to be, my true self expressed without consequence. He's rude, he's arrogant, he's excitable and insane. He wears what he wants and says what he means. That's exactly the sort of person i want to be, and the person I've generally become now that i've become more free from things like depression. I just dont care what people think. Literally, do not care one bit about anybody else as long as i get to be me.

[KittKat chunky~]

well i hope you kay Rigor, cos you said it doesnt help i wont try n cheer ya up if thats what you want.... (and i definatly wont tickle you  )....

as for my fursona... he is me.... its the best furry impression of me i could make, short, fun going, loves to dance, loves making friends, slovakian... its all me